Randy-Thrandy

Valentines Day Special- Thranduil Fanfiction

“You’ve disobeyed me,” The King of Mirkwood says quietly, trailing the seam of your cloak with his bleached aspen staff. His eyes shine with displeasure behind his silver domino mask. He is Winter tonight, draped in an ivory brocade bespeckled with tiny white diamonds. His bone-white headdress of interlocked antlers make him seem even more imposing and intimidating than usual.

“…I haven’t…disobeyed you,” you manage, bumping up against the wall. You’re trembling like a cornered rabbit. “Not exactly-”

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For my Theatre class we had to pick a scene from a movie and change the genre. Like romance to action, drama to comedy. So I kinda…

Setting: Elf-King’s Hall

Thranduil: *sees Guards approaching with Thorin Oakenshield* Well, look what the trolls dragged in!

Thorin: You know, it’s not very nice to call your guards trolls - even if it is true.

Guard 1: *goes for sword but is stopped by Guard 2*

Thranduil: Now, now, let’s play nice. All I want to know is what you dwarrow kids were doing on my lawn.

Thorin: Oh, just the usual… Getting lost, getting high on poisonous air, being attacked by spiders…

Thranduil: Spiders! So that’s why you’re covered in cobweb. I though maybe it’d been so long since you last had a date that you were literally collecting dust.

Thorin: You blonde bimbo! I’ll have you know that I’m currently dating a very attractive hobbit! I’m just not sure where he is right now… Anyway, that’s not the point. What the hell is wrong with your forest? Did you get a new gardener or something?

Thranduil: No, there’s just some evil junk going on. I don’t what to do about it, and everytime I bring it up to Elrond he just tells me to piss off. All because of what happened at that one rave…

Thorin: And we’re veering into the TMI zone. I swear you elves must be high all the time. Now could you and your fellow leaf-munchers let me and my company go?

Thranduil: Why? So you can go piss off Smaug and set a dragon loose on the land? No thank you!

Thorin: You know, we wouldn’t have this problem if you could have gotten down off your high-elk and helped my people out a century ago.

Thranduil: You hairy little shit! As if I don’t know what facing a dragon is like. I was whooping dragon ass when you great-great-grandfather was in diapers. Just look at this scar! *reveals scar*

Thorin: EW! It looks like burnt bacon!

Thranduil: That’s right, and unless you too want bacon face, you’d better take some of my elf homies with you.

Thorin: Hell. No. There is no room in my company for anyone who takes three hours to brush their hair in the morning.

Thranduil: As if you people can talk with all those stupid braids you wear! That’s it - to the dungeon with you!

Guards: *start to take Thorin away*

Thranduil: And by the way! I do hope you enjoy your dinner of…VEGETABLES!

Thorin: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(I think I’ll get an A)