I love you more than my own skin and even though you don’t love me the same way, you love me anyways, don’t you? And if you don’t, I’ll always have the hope that you do, and I’m satisfied with that. Love me a little. I adore you.
You ask me time after time, and I tell you no, that I’m not ready for anything more. But you beg and beg, and ask me why I won’t. “I just don’t want that to be all you want” I say, looking away from your face. You take my hand and I slowly look back up at you. “That’s not all I want, that’s definitely not all I want. I’m happy just being with you” you say. Even though I know it’s true, I can’t help feeling as if I’m going to cry. I lay back down on your chest and hold back that sick feeling. “I won’t ask you anymore. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” I half-smile, like one of those smiles when you’re pretending to be okay, but on the inside you’re crying. “It’s okay”, I softly reply. Those were the words I needed to hear. Now, if only those were the last words I heard. Soon enough, you ask just one more time, and I reply with the same answer. No, I can’t, and I won’t. The whole thing scares me. It’s not that I don’t love him, it’s not that I wouldn’t do anything and everything for him, I’m just not ready yet. He needs to understand that. And I’m afraid that if I don’t do it, I’ll lose him. I’m afraid that if I keep saying no, he’ll eventually leave me for someone else who will. These worries flood my mind all the time. And although I know it’s not true, he wouldn’t leave me like that, I’m still afraid because I don’t know. I can’t afford to lose him. And if he really loves me like I know he does, he would understand.
I saw you in the halls today and your hair is starting to grow out again and it’s almost covering your eyes and you still wear that same old jacket even though it’s too small for you now and you met my eyes for the first time in months and I really wish you would stop looking like the person I used to know so I could stop pretending that you still care.