It’s ok to not know. It’s ok to switch your identities. It’s ok to just choose an identity as a place holder and switch it later. It’s ok to just use an umbrella term like gay or queer. It’s ok. You’re not alone. And you’ll figure it out.
happy pride month everyone im queer & i made a calendar🌈💖
(these are the official days of pride i didnt make them up i just wanted to make my version of it. Celebrate LGBT+ everyday please stop bringing negativity to my post. I also apologize for getting the Agender flag wrong its just what kept coming up when i searched for “Agender Flag”. Thank you to everyone who has helped educate me instead of being rude.)
I hope everyone has a happy pride!🌈💖
listen @ all you girls who are questioning your sexuality: i will love you no matter what. there is no pressure to be anything.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be a lesbian.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be bi.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be pan.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be ply.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be ace.
i will 100% love you if you turn out to be lith, or demi, or grey or anything else, or just decide there is no label that fits.
and you know what? i will 100% love if you do turn out to be straight. there’s a lot of sapphic positivity going around right now, but that’s mostly because there hasn’t been a lot in the past. a lot of the problems that i had while questioning were “what if im just doing it to join the lgbtq+ community? what if im an intrusive hetero™?” and i promise you, you’re not. youre completely valid in your search for who you are, and i love you for that.
How to know if you are actually atracted to guys or you are just brainwashed through heteronormativity letting you believe you have to give guys a go because you have some kind of connection?
This is such a good question and it’s really important for any woman questioning their orientation/attraction. I’m going to explain the difference using three specific examples of times when attraction gets confusing, but there are a ton of different ways compulsory heterosexuality manifests, so if none of these hit on what you’re feeling, feel free to shoot me another anon.
Attraction vs. Compulsory Heterosexuality
Nervousness and Blushing
A ton of romance media and common cultural tropes have this idea that you know you’re attracted to someone if you’re nervous or blushing around them. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to a man if you feel nervous around him, just because you’re experiencing the physical bodily response you’ve been told to expect, not because you actually want to date him.
Actual Attraction: You’re nervous because you’re excited to get to know someone. You find them attractive first and because you’re thinking about your attraction to them, you get self conscious because you hope they might like you too.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: You’re nervous because you are aware that he is attracted to you, and because he’s paying such close attention to you– especially if he’s pushing boundaries or getting too close into your personal space– you become self conscious because you know he’s watching you. You blush because you’re uncomfortable.
Many questioning women have a hard time sorting through their attraction because of hypotheticals. Our culture, in general, disregards or challenges wlw’s attraction and it gives this anxiety that we need to know 100% that we are not and will never be attracted to men no matter what in order to claim labels.
It’s hard to do that as a young person who is just learning about themselves, flooded with “what if”s about the future. Because of this, you might feel like you can’t rule out being attracted to men because you might hypothetically be attracted to one someday. Who knows?
Actual Attraction: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it feels exciting and makes you feel good and hopeful and happy and right. It’s a nice feeling and is comfortable to think about. Reassuring.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: You imagine a hypothetical future where you end up with a man and it makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, sad, disappointed, wrong. It’s an upsetting thing to think about and you hope it doesn’t happen. You don’t want to end up with a man even if you feel like you could.
Our culture places a big emphasis on sex when it comes to orientation. Some people’s orientation includes sexual attraction and some people’s orientation doesn’t, but most of us feel like our sexual fantasies are the most important indicator of non-straight sexuality because LGBPQ+ people have been so thoroughly reduced to sexual acts and sexual objects in the homophobic culture we’ve grown up in.
Along with that, we’ve also grown up in a heteronormative and cisnormative society that repetitively teaches and reemphasizes the same singular sexual “script” for how sex is supposed to go, over and over and over. They do not teach any others, and it requires non-straight and non-cis people to invent their own sexual scripts individually and with partners.
But as a young person, when you’re aroused, your mind has a very limited template of potential narratives associated with that feeling, so many people default to the same heteronormative script in their fantasies because it’s unconscious and easy. Because of this, you might feel like you must be attracted to men because you imagine abstract situations of sex with men, even though you have absolutely no desire to sleep with men in real life.
Actual Attraction: When you fantasize about men, it is because you’re attracted to their bodies or specific men or the idea of having sex with men. You imagine qualities of their body and you like the idea of what you’re imagining. If you think about the fantasy later that day, you might feel like it’s embarrassing, but you also feel like it’s sexy.
Compulsory Heterosexuality: When you fantasize about men, it is mostly just enacting a kind of narrative. More focused on movement than features– the men in your fantasies might be faceless or blank-featured or their bodies might symbolize some emotion. You don’t really like the idea of what you’re imagining. You might not even be in the fantasy, but instead another faceless woman might be. You might even imagine yourself as the man. The narrative follows the sexual script, but the details are more vague and abstract and might even shift and change throughout the fantasy. If you think about it later that day, you might feel vaguely nauseated or uncomfortable or feel invalidated and wrong.
It’s really difficult to unroot compulsory heterosexuality. My simplest advice on getting through it is this: even if you are attracted to men, you do not need to date them if you don’t want to. If you only want to date other women, then you have the right to that. The rest is less important than the simple reality of what you want right now.
I barely see any posts about this so here’s a s/o to the questioning wlw who do not know whether they are bi or lesbian, who do not know if their attraction to men-aligned ppl is real or not, who can’t tell weather this is compulsory heterosexuality playing tricks on them or if it’s internalized biphobia.
As a lesbian who used to identify as bisexual, i know how frustrating it is to not know which one you are, how infuriating it is to always keep changing, to not know which community you belong to.
But in time I can assure you that you will finally figure it out. And weather you end up identifying as bisexual, lesbian or just sapphic/wlw, you have my full support. I wish you luck