Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.
—  Anna Quindlen, Every Last One
Meeting your soul mate is like walking into a house you’ve been in before - you will recognize the furniture, the pictures on the wall,the books on the shelves, the contents of drawers: You could find your way around in the dark if you had to.
—  Jandy Nelson, I’ll Give You the Sun

a contronym is a word which is the opposite of itself, having two meanings which defy each other, two reverse Janus faces. for example, when you look at her she is both your whole world and why you are massively and horrifically empty. for example, kissing her on a sunday both feels like prayer and hellfire. 

for example, you are your own contronym. someone who is solely intent on self-destructing while somehow also the only one working to save you. it is the mornings you can’t get up contrasted with the nights you can’t fall asleep. it is the way you feel everything at once like a meteor is reflecting off the solar panels of your bones while also feeling nothing at all. it’s that you want to be in love and you’re also not good enough. it’s that you’re terrified that tomorrow won’t come and you’re also terrified of what happens if it does. 

for example. one shaking hand dusts to remove dirt, white gloves around a white throat, or one can dust dirt over a grave to replace it. a contronym. you are alive and yet completely unsure if this is living.