Pennywise: and down here, you’ll float too! We all float dow-
Me: listen unless you got an anti gravity chamber or 1500 lbs of salt all up in your water supply there’s no god damn way I’m floating anywhere bitch, cause I’m like 1000 pounds k, don’t insult me like that. Damn ass big forehead size of my plasma screen tv Ronald McDonald lookin mother fucker
Yo peeps, so as you can probably tell, I’m about to blow your mind. You might want to sit down, grab some water, you know, keep yourself hydrated. Maybe do a few stretches.
Now that you’re all ready, let’s begin! A girl who wrote about hotdogs and Costco got into Stanford and most Ivy League Schools, a student who wrote about his love for food got into Stanford, while Cornell’s admissions officer’s favorite essays were about lint and failing the driver’s test four times. Observing a pattern here? All these people chose kind of silly topics to write about. You might be wondering, “Yo,why would I want to sound stupid in front of the admissions officer, this doesn’t make sense!” . Well, that’s a valid argument. Now read this excerpt from one of the essays I mentioned above.
“While enjoying an obligatory hot dog, I did not find myself thinking about the ‘all beef’ goodness that Costco boasted. I instead considered finitudes and infinitudes, unimagined uses for tubs of sour cream, the projectile motion of said tub when launched from an eighty foot shelf or maybe when pushed from a speedy cart by a scrawny seventeen year old. I contemplated the philosophical: If there exists a thirty-three ounce jar of Nutella, do we really have free will? I experienced a harsh physics lesson while observing a shopper who had no evident familiarity of inertia’s workings. With a cart filled to overflowing, she made her way towards the sloped exit, continuing to push and push while steadily losing control until the cart escaped her and went crashing into a concrete column, 52” plasma screen TV and all. Purchasing the yuletide hickory smoked ham inevitably led to a conversation between my father and me about Andrew Jackson’s controversiality"
Yes, yes, she’s literally talking about hot dogs and Costco. Now don’t underestimate her, this girl got accepted to 5 Ivy League Schools and Stanford. Jeez, that’s impressive. So now, you might be thinking , “Okay, enough of this, just get to the juicy part, give us the magic potion!” . Luckily enough for you, I’m getting to the point.
If you want to write an essay that slays everyone else’s like Beyoncé, first you gotta be true to yourself. You’re 17 or 18, you don’t want to end poverty or save the world. Maybe you enjoy pepperoni pizza, maybe you love watching horror films, maybe you love shopping at Macy’s, whatever it is, write about it.
The key is to choose a seemingly silly topic and present it in an intellectual light. Your ability to turn something silly into something genius will impress them and make you more memorable. In order to do that, you need to have a lot of knowledge about the topic you chose, which is why you need to be true to yourself. But then again, don’t write a pointless essay, don’t tell the officers that you can stuff 20 cheese balls in your mouth. Although I think it’s impressive, the admissions officer will beg to differ.
So there’s the secret formula to write a winning essay. Best of luck and I hope you get into your dream school!
julie: Even has a job. He’s almost never on time. Even can’t do laundry. Isak doesn’t know how to make tea. Their wifi password is ‘yellow curtains’. They listened to Gabrielle before Sana came. Even loses his stuff all the time. They wear the same outfits. They have memes and paintings and stuff on their wall. Isak is a bad host. They have big plasma TV but not a kettle. Sara had dreams about Isak. Isak didn’t ask what they were. Isak posted a picture of him and Even to Sara. Sara thinks that Vilde is dumb and stupid. Even used to make Sana tea. Isak said that Sana is a good person. <3 Even never did the laundry. :( So Isak had to.
me: okay…but like who started the fight? who punched isak? what’s the truth behind even’s past in bakka and with the boys? why couldn’t sana plot together with isak?
julie: you forgot to mention that i had noora text sana.
one of my gender studies profs used to work in a funding request centre thing at a university, and there was a group of dudes that wanted funding for a Male Only Space because there was a women's only space. But all their requests were like "a plasma tv, a fridge, a pool table" etc while the other space had like... basic couches.. a table for doing work... a lamp... so like the space these guys wanted was basically just to have fun while the women's only space was literally to EXIST ON CAMPUS
This is like something out of a bad 90s sitcom, jesus christ.
There’s a wishing fountain at the mall. And I threw a coin in for every woman in the world and made a wish. I wished for Alex to get over me, I wished for Kelley a plasma TV, I wished for Christen to gain courage, I wished for Hinkle a heart, and for Jill a brain…
“Does your masochism extend to an enjoyment of being put in your place like the little bitch you are?”
“I’m going to furiously shit lava onto your phone if you text me another three hundred Japanese emoji.”
“What the fuck is swiping left and swiping right? I don’t fucking swipe anything, fuck that subtle shit. If I see it I take it and I don’t give a FUCK who’s looking, it’s mine.“
“I was using my Grandma’s computer and the last three searches on google were for the price of rat poison, some quotes on cheep funerals, and what the best dating sites are. Should I be worried about Grandpa?”
“Once I get paid that Hello Kitty Assault Rifle is MINE.”
“Godzilla must have a dick the size of a Winnebago, but we never get to see it? COME-ON TOHO COMPANY, GIVE US THE BUS SIZED LIZARD DICK”
“I am a gift from god himself, a treasure amongst you heathens, and I deserve to be fed as such.”
“Some people just, eat onions? Like they’re apples? Like they take a fucking bite out of an onion like it’s nothing? How do you fuck up as a person like that?”
“How do you super glue a four generation family tree back to its stump? Asking for a friend. His name is Redwood.”
“Nobody invited me out, which is too bad for them because my presence is a grace upon your otherwise lifeless existences.”
“You commit so much property damage when you’re drunk we should just call you Hurricane Fuckface.”
“You ever see a cake so beautiful you wanna fuck it? That’s how I felt when I ate my first phallic cake.”
“Having the flu isn’t an excuse to lay around all day sniffling. You know what would make you feel better? Infecting complete strangers, that’s what. Let’s go bowling!!”
“I!! Am not!! A person!! NO!!!”
“My friend tried to pull the ‘dick in the box’ joke on me, and then I kicked it. Now he’s in the hospital.”
“I tried to fuck an apple pie like in that one movie. It was pretty nice, until the next day when I found out I had a yeast infection.”
“Good morning. The cat took a shit in your shoes. Both of them. What do you want for breakfast?”
“Eat my food again and I’ll fling you into the sun by your ankles.”
“Girl, are you a plasma screen TV? Cause you be MAKING UP MOST OF THE ELECTRICITY BILL. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? WHAT’S EVEN PLUGGED IN IN YOUR ROOM?”
“You know someone who’s like, sort of ugly, sort of okay looking, but then their personality just pushes it over the edge and they’re just ugly? That’s you.”
“Here lies your reputation, in the trash next to the empty bear bottles and a dead raccoon.”
“Yeah asshole, reading my diary was EXACTLY the key to mending our relationship.”
“Ever since I let you borrow my laptop, Google won’t stop giving me ads for ammonia in bulk and empty storage lots nearby. What exactly were you doing last weekend?”
Send in one of the following quotes from HUA to get my muse’s reaction!
There! I took the fucking shot! She’s dead! There’s blood everywhere!
Okay, Christ, fine, I’ll help you. But only ‘cause you’ve got nice tits.
Hey, (name)! (name)! This is awesome! You should totally join in! Seriously, there’s like 40 zombies in here! Just one shot in the head and they explode! Just like House of the Dead, only like, 100 times more awesome!
Oh, fuck the hell yes.
Oh, if it isn’t the Catholic Church! And what’s this? No Little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
You done goofed.
…you Protestant fuck-bucket.
I’m a fuckmothering vampire!
You are reading your master’s mind! Put my head between your booooooooobs!
Oh, I’m sorry, I like to dirty talk when someone’s sucking my dick.
It’s just that I’m so agitated, because this blond little shit just strolled into my room, destroyed my 70-inch plasma TV, and is trying to impress me like I’m his alcoholic father.
Ah, fuck it. Skull-fuckin’ for everybody!
I would do fucking anything right now to get out of this.
BITCH, I EAT PEOPLE!
Oh fuck, that’s an anti-tank rifle. OH FUCK, THAT’S AN ANTI-TANK RIFLE!
What are you gonna do? Call that one guy who can stop me? What was his name…Michael McDoesn'tExist?
Get that bitch a cannon! Bitches love cannons.
What’s wrong, demigod? Just grow back your legs! Summon up your demons! Hit me! Fight me! Give me a hug!
You know, they say TV makes you violent. But I’d say not having my TV is making me pretty fucking violent!
Shut up and take my money!
Master! My breasts keep getting bigger!
Jesus wants a hug!
Right this way, Group B! That’s right, right in front of everybody else; you’re eighty, you’re used to it! We’re going to look at art and paintings, which I believe are also art! I dunno! I’m Cockney, I’m uncultured!
That’s right. I’m going to FUCK the fear turkey!
HEY DANDY DICK! You missed.
The fuck is this? The fuck is that?! The fuck are THOSE?!
I HAVE A FEAR OF FLYING, COFFINS, AND TIGHT SPACES!
You cheeky dick-waffle!
Zis is my favorite kind of ship — laden with blood und seamen.
Chuh-chuh-chuh-CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE!
Ah. The return of the “why” boner. With a vengeance.
By Jove, you fuckin’ header of a woman! You’re surrounded by fifty Nazi vampires, armed literally to the teeth, and what do you do?! You get out of your fuckin’ car, pull out your sword, cut off one of their heads, and yell “Come at me, you Kraut shits!” NO WONDER (name) wants to plow that virgin soil! I’M THINKING ABOUT GROWIN’ SOME FLOWERS MYSELF!
(thing) for days.
We were prepared for a full-on tactical assault. Instead, we got a volley of swastika-covered dipshits running dick-first into enemy territory.
Hey, if we’re killing Nazis, we’ll worship a side of bacon!
You stepped into the common area and is surprised to find everyone partying in broad daylight.
Okay, first of all, you’re not even sure why there’s a common area in a mafia in the first place. And the place is fucking awesome, for all you know, with beanbags and a bar and a giant plasma TV with built-in games all over the place.
Confusion doesn’t even summarize what you’re feeling right now. “Um, morning?”
i know i’ve posted about it before but nathan for you is so funny. every episode is like a drawn out fever dream sequence concocted in the mind of a socially awkward canadian business student. one of my fave episodes is where he wants to help an electronics store sell more tvs, but the local Best Buy is taking all the business, so he tries to take advantage of their “price matching” guarantee. he convinces the electronic store owner to mark all their plasma tvs down to $1, then takes the flier to Best Buy and tries to get them to sell him their plasmas for $1. it doesn’t work. but now the store he’s helping has a bunch of plasmas on sale for $1, naturally people notice and try to buy them. so Nathan has to set up a bunch of conditions to the sale: you have to be wearing black tie attire to get in the store, go through a door in the back, then through a room with a live alligator in it, then through a 2-foot-tall door in order to get to the tv. i don’t think anyone made it past the alligator
“You really didn’t need to put on
a dress,” Rhys said, as he shifted gears. Rhys was already regretting
everything, which was a recurring theme when involving his family and Feyre
Archeron. From a young age, his father had always been a looming presence over
his shoulder, pushing and prodding, to be shaped into a mould of the son of a
rich business man which his father expected him to follow. He remembered
telling his dad a couple of months ago he wanted to take English Lit at Uni,
the aftermath involved a couple of months of being ignored and talked down upon
– all because Damien Spera believed that if Rhys wasn’t doing either business,
economics or law, then there is no hope for a future. Yes, his father was that
guy. It wasn’t a favourable position that Rhys wanted to keep. He wanted his
dad’s favour back, and hopefully a nice fake girlfriend would help regain it.
He had texted the Spera family
group chat while Feyre was getting ready (excluding said Father) to let them
Rhys: Feyre is being my fake girlfriend thanks to Lena and her
Lena: ur welcome x
Mum: please don’t fight tonight u two xxx
Cass: well little brother she was kind of telling the truth. It wasn’t rlly
Az: apart from telling father that Feyre was his gf.
Cass: yeah obvs apart from that
Rhys: why am I doing this. I should tell her just to stay home
Mor: but u aren’t because you actually want Feyre as ur gf even if it
is fake. And u want to get in ur fathers good books again…….sooooooooo
I’ve had a thought, and I’ve seen it pop up among a-many
battle-hardened and heavy heartened veterans (and soldiers) of customer
“The customer is always right.”
makes a customer service worker tremble worse than those terrible
words. Nothing else sends such a despicable shiver of regret, remorse,
and contempt down one’s spine.
“The customer is always right.”
Oh how we loathe that phrase. How we hate it for everything it stands for, and what it means!
But I don’t think you guys ACTUALLY know what the phrase is
ACTUALLY intended for. Let me explain.
put it into the most basic terms, there are two types of people in the business
world: buyers and sellers. Yeah it’s more complicated than that, but that’s what everything boils down to in its
most rudimentary fashion. You’re either buying something, or selling
to turn a profit, the SELLER has to be selling what the BUYER wants;
i.e. the customer. Let’s pretend the seller has a very nice fruit stand, selling
an equal amount of oranges, bananas, apples, and peaches. Let’s say
100 each. In the first
day, he sells ALL 100 peaches, 75 apples, 50 bananas, and ZERO
oranges. Logic dictates that not all of these fruits are
equally wanted by his customers. Meaning he has to change the
stock of his fruits to meet the demand of the customers and to cut costs
associated with purchasing/throwing out unwanted produce.
smart man would then order more than 100 peaches (since he sold out, he’ll want to buy more to ensure he’s meeting proper demand). He’ll stock around the same
amount of apples, a bit less bananas, and maybe only a handful of
oranges. Because the demand for peaches is obviously high while the
demand for oranges is low, the seller
will put his sales in what the customer wants.
Do you see where I’m going with this?
“The customer is always right.” ACTUALLY MEANS “the customer’s
want for a product is always right.”
THAT’S WHAT IT MEANS!
why popular products are sold in such large numbers and revolve around
sales. That’s why large purchases have so many accessories and plans
and knick-knacks associated with it. Because, yeah you want a new TV,
the seller KNOWS
you want a new TV, so they’re going to do everything to make sure you
get what YOU want and ALSO selling everything that goes along with it (pro tip, most of their profit is from the accessories, NOT the main big purchase itself).
So you want your fancy 48” plasma TV, well how about a WIFI hook-up and
Netflix plan and a satellite deal and fifty thousand remotes and yada
That’s what “the customer is always right” means.
does not mean that customers get to harass workers. It does not mean
that workers need to bend over backwards and grovel for a customer’s
service. It does not mean that PTA Soccer mom Brenda can order the most
ludicrous thing ever
which is physically impossible for the Starbucks barista to make and
then scream and rage and throw a temper tantrum more fitting of a
And it most certainly does not mean that customers can yell, scream, harass, or in any way shape or form abuse a worker and make ridiculous demands.
if ANYONE dares to tell you otherwise, you may feel free to relay what
you have all just learned, and then promptly stick your foot shin-deep
in that person’s ass.
RAD corporations: aka rent a date corporations is a large expensive building that basically looks like celebrities work in
and in this building, if you walk passed the lobby, through various hallways, passed the dressing rooms and make up rooms, you’ll find a giant game room
and in that game room, are thirteen screaming men angrily and excited pointing at the giant plasma television as an intense game of Mario Kart occurs
ah yes, you’ve found the rent a boyfriends
Choi Seungcheol: the casual next door boyfriend type. your friends will envy the way he makes it seem as though you two have been dating for months or even years and his reliable nature will make your friends melt. extra services include making it seem as though you two live together, plus he’ll even drop in because he forgot an item.
Yoon Jeonghan: the show off type, when you really just want to show off your handsome date, his good looks will cause your friends and every girl or guy to swoon.extra services include arriving in a helicopter just to show he’s better than all your friend’s dates.
Joshua Hong: the gentleman type. the boy you’d bring to your family gatherings to show off just how sweet he is to you. extra services include him performing a little acoustic guitar or even playing the cute clueless American foreigner.
Wen Jun: the revenge boyfriend. when you really want to piss off your ex by showing you’re in a better and happier relationship, Jun is your guy. he’ll give a few jabs to your ex at just how much happier you are and even say how your ex lost something very special. extra services include Jun being a little handsy, but it’s all fun when you see the reaction of your fuming ex.
Kwon Soonyoung: the work oriented type. the boyfriend you’d tell your friends is often working, sends you multiple text when you’re with friends and even calls you, sometimes with videos. extra services include a night out with you and your girls where he shows off just how good he is on the dance floor.
Jeon Wonwoo: the romantic type. he’s the guy you’ve just started ‘dating’ and you want to show off to your coworkers. so he’ll bring you flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, and even attend your after work events. extra services include a big romantic gesture at your next work event so be prepared for a big shock.
Lee Jihoon: the artistic boyfriend. the one you’d want to show off his skills for, bring him to a festival and he’ll sweep the floor of that karaoke contest that’s displayed in a large crowd. extra services includes an actor playing as an entertainment rep trying to scout your boyfriend.
Xu Minghao: the instagram boyfriend. the one you use to get those Instagram likes, with his incredible fashion and aesthetically pleasing photo taking skills, you’ll receive hundreds of followers in no time. extra services include, his own Instagram account dedicated to only you.
Kim Mingyu: the domestic boyfriend. perfect to introduce to your parents so they’ll get off your back for a while about finding the perfect husband. with his good looks and charm, he’ll definitely steal the hearts of your parents. extra services include him cooking a whole meal for a family dinner.
Lee Seokmin: the ditzy boyfriend. his smile will sweep your friends off their feet, he purchases silly couple items and showcases them and he’ll even provide various gags to show just how funny he is. extra services include showcasing his beautiful voice that’ll make your friends wish he was their boyfriend.
Boo Seungkwan: the emotional type. Need a guy to accompany you and your friends to that new and sad romance movie coming out on Valentine’s day or possibly a guy to attend a wedding with well there’s Seungkwan. he’ll have your friends in envy when he holds you and lets out a few tears. extra services include multiple speeches about you to your friends just to show how much he loves you dearly.
Choi Hansol: the best friend type. makes your friends jealous because their relationship just doesn’t seem as close as Hansol will be with you. With multiple inside jokes and references to past dates, Hansol will make your friends envy the way you two are just two peas in a pod. extra services include photos and souvenirs that’ll fabricate the past fake dates.
Lee Chan: the inexperienced type. introduce him to your friends and watch him get flustered over everything. as you have already told your friends, you’re his first girlfriend, all of them will swoon at his cute demeanor as he offers to pay and do everything. extra services include shy physical affection that’s bound to have your friends squealing.
My Father used to say that we had
but one life and that we should live it to
it’s very fullest, grasping every opportunity that came our way; that to do
anything else was not only a waste of the life we’d been given, but a waste of
those who had given us life.
I didn’t really understand at the
time, didn’t understand how the actions of others could ever affect those
around them to any great degree. That
our lives are not our own and I certainly never subscribed to the theory
that our lives are predetermined from the moment we are born. Mere pawns in a
much greater purpose, a much larger plan at the hands of a greater being. I didn’t believe in destiny, in the belief that regardless of the paths we
chose, that the end journey would be the same.
I have faith though I suppose, although it’s a faith that has not been a constant despite my best
efforts, because I struggle to believe that any merciful God could allow such atrocities
to occur daily in a world he created, with such pain and suffering inflicted by his hand on the innocent, on the
frail and on the weak.
Because the world is full of evil. It has existed in man since the beginning of
time. Lurking in the darkest reaches of
humanity, waiting to strike. To maim and to kill so as to take away from us that which
we hold so dear.
One life. One chance to somehow, in the scant few years
we inhabit this planet, to make the right choices. To take the right path.
But as I sit here now, bathed in a
soft blue light in a room illuminated only by the glowing screen of the large
plasma TV I persuaded myself I needed in an attempt to fill the silence that has surrounded me for months, I can’t help but remember my Father’s
words. I don’t know why I switched the
TV on tonight because truthfully I don’t have the will or the interest to flick through 160
channels just to find some way of filling an empty hour or two.
Mulder is the channel surfer in this partnership and he isn’t here.