Pit bull

Are you tired of sleeping in to a reasonable hour?

Sick of ALL your possessions being in tact every single morning?

Does your alarm clock not even TRY to shatter your pelvis when it wakes you up?

THEN SWEET GLITTERING BABY JESUS DO I HAVE A SOLUTION FOR YOU

Introducing AssholeDogs™, the latest in the line of quality products from FUCK I Could Have Had a Goldfish!

Our patented Crotch-Target technology will ensure that you never wake up past 5 in the goddamn morning un-doubled over in pain ever again!

For just one easy payment of literally fucking any amount, you too can be the proud sobbing existential-regret-filled owner of your very own AssholeDog™!

Now available in THREE fun and festive colors!

*Units sold as is, some assembly required.

IF YOU DON’T LIKE PIT BULLS YOU CAN FUCKING FIGHT ME (NOT THEM!) THEY ARE INNOCENT DOGS THAT GET FORCED TO FIGHT BY HUMANS. ANY VIOLENT TRAIT THEY HAVE HAS BEEN TRAINED INTO THEM BY HUMANS, AND WITH PROPER TRAINING AND CARE THEY CAN BE THE MOST MEATY CUDDLE BUDDIES EVER!

LOOK AT THE ADORABLE FUCKING FACE! HOW THE HELL COULD YOU EVER WISH HARM UPON SUCH A CUTE CHUB MUFFIN?!