ATTENTION MARCHING BAND KIDS WITH GLASSES

“Band, ready, set”
You’ve been called to attention. It’s 102 degrees outside, you haven’t had a water break in what seems like hours, and you’re sweating buckets. You know you’re not allowed to move or else you’ll have to run a lap. What… what’s that feeling… it’s… your glasses…. they’re sliding down your nose… either you fix them and run a lap (and die of heat exhaustion) or you let them fall to their death… those are your only two options… right?
Wrong.

“Well Gee wiz what other choice do I have?”

I’ll tell ya. There’s this stuff called Nerd Wax. It’s made out of beeswax and it’s the bomb diggity. Just smear a little of the stuff on the inside of the bridge of your glasses, put your glasses on and voila! They don’t fall! It’s sweat resistant, so it would keep your glasses in place even if you were marching through the hottest pits of hell.

“But I don’t want beeswax all over my fingers because then it’d get on my instrument.”
Well I’m glad you don’t want that because you’re not gonna get that. It comes in a little tube just like cork grease or chap stick. It’s small so you can carry it with you in your pocket, in your dot book, even in your cleavage if you want.

“Ugh. I want it but I bet it’s super expensive”
Nope nope nope. It’s only $10 for one tube that will honestly last the entire marching season.

“It won’t last the whole season. I might lose it”
Well, if you do, just buy two! When you buy two you get another one for the low low price of FREE. And it’s shipped right from the factory to your front doorstep for not one dollar, not two dollars, but zero dollars. Yes friends, buy two Nerd Wax, get another one free and get it all shipped absolutely free!

“Sweet! I want it! But where do I get it?”
Well, you open up your Internet and in the address bar you just type nerdwax.com

That’s all there is to it!

The Marching Instruments as Awkward Senior Portraits

piccolo:  the shell-shocked (couldn’t hear the photographer count down over ringing in their ears)

flutes:  the i’m-trying-too-hard

clarinets:  the pikachu

bass clarinets:  the “maybe now you’ll remember i exist, fuckers”

any of the saxophones: the sex god

trumpets:  the “hot shit”

mellophones:  the cat photo

trombones:  the i-forgot-about-senior-portraits-until-the-day-they-were-due-to-the-yearbook-so-i-had-my-friend-take-this-outside-five-minutes-ago

euphoniums/baritones/tubas:  the what-the-fuck

pit percussion:  the my-instrument-is-my-child pose

drum line:  the casually-holding-a -deadly-weapon

color guard:  the dance costume

drum major: the ruler of all things music

The Instruments As Noises They Make
  • piccolo:oh my god. STOP MAKING NOISES IT'S KILLING US
  • flutes:*competitive noises*
  • oboes:*apologetic noises*
  • clarinets:*weaboo noises*
  • bass clarinets:noises? why bother? no one will listen anyway.
  • alto saxophones:*hot person noises*
  • tenor saxophones:*existential crisis noises*
  • baritone saxophones:*inappropriate sexual noises*
  • trumpets:*various noises, all of them too loud*
  • horns:noises? are we sure they exist????
  • trombones:*eating-in-the-middle-of-band-class noises*
  • baritones:*confused noises*
  • tubas:attempt sneaky noises, give up, make fun of others
  • percussion:*sketchy noises*
What to take to band camp

- a hat
-sunglasses
-sunscreen
-aloe
-your instrument (if you play clarinet DO NOT TAKE YOUR WOODEN CLARINET OUTSIDE. USE A PLASTIC CLARINET)
-a dot book (my school provides them)
-your music in a binder
-a tuner
-half gallon water jug
-a change of clothes
-sneakers
-healthy lunch
-pencil
-comfy clothes (exercise shorts, tank top/ tshirt, socks)