Particulr

anonymous asked:

Do you think a person could be still happy without ever coming out?

Without coming out at work/in school? Yes.

Without coming out to family/relatives? Sure.

Without coming out to their partner/s? Doubt it.

Without coming out to their friends? Maybe.

Without coming out to people on the bus? Absolutely.

Without coming out to staff at the hospital? Could risk their health.

Without coming out to ANYONE EVER? …No.

There are so many different times and ways you can “come out” when you don’t fit into the categories presented by the norm, it’s not really a one time event but a process and a way of living. There are people you feel a big need to let see you fully for who you are, and others who you couldn’t care less what they think of you. There are situations which require you to tell your history whether you want to or not and other situations in which it’s not important at all.

Some people are easy to tell and in other cases it’s straight out dangerous. Sometimes you “come out” to people without even meaning to. Sometimes people categorise you as non-normative without you even knowing. Sometimes you tell people about the way you differ from their expectations and they misunderstand completely due to their own limited knowledge about the particulr way you experience being human.

“Coming out” is a process, not a one time thing. To someone, coming out can be presenting a new relationship. Someone else ends a relationship as a way of coming out. Someone wants to study something different than thier family has expected of them. Someone might chose to dye or cut their hair a certain way. Someone dresses in a certain way to signal something about their interests and/or identity. Someone changes their name and/or pronouns.

Many of these things are ways of coming out that have very different impacts from one culture to another, and end up being interpreted differently by the person’s surroundings from one point in time to the next. But they are all equally important. And the only one who can define what “coming out” means to you is you.

alecaf  asked:

could you please write asexual!alec headcanons? with a lot of malec? thanks!

Sure! Asexual!Alec headcanons coming up, with extra malec!

  • Alec didn‘t know asexuality existed for a long time. Let’s face it, Shadowhunters don’t like to talk about gay and lesbian Shadowhunters, never mind the even more commonly oppressed sexualities, so no one ever taught him about it. He wasn’t ignorant of Izzy and Jace’s behaviour, he knew they were both very promiscuous, but he couldn’t understand why, because he just didn’t see the appeal in sex. It wasn’t until he was sixteen when overheard a conversation between two vampires in Taki’s that he learned what asexuality was.

Jace was off flirting with some girl at the bar, leaving Alec alone in the booth. He wasn’t paying particulr attention to anything, but the vampires behind him weren’t making any effort to keep their conversation quiet.

‘No, he says he’s asexual,’ one of the vampires said.

‘That’s not a real thing,’ the other replied.

‘Sure it is!’ the first vampire said. ‘You know how some people are sexually attracted to men and some people are sexually attracted to women? Asexuals aren’t sexually attracted to anyone.’

‘So they just never have sex? Not ever?’

‘Not necessarily. They can still have sex if they want to, they just don’t feel sexual attraction.’

‘Since when did you become so educated about this?’ the other vampire asked.

‘I asked him.’

‘You asked a Catholic boy about his sex life? Rude.’

‘No, he once mentioned being asexual so I politely asked him to explain what that meant, and now I’m a little less ignorant about the world.’

When Jace returned to the booth he looked at the big smile on Alec’s face. ‘What are you smiling at?’ he asked.

‘Nothing,’ Alec replied. Thanks to a couple of vampires, of all people, Alec finally knew that he wasn’t broken.

  • Part of the reason Alec opted for the ‘safe’ option in loving Jace was so he would never have to try to explain to anyone that he was asexual, because he was scared they wouldn’t understand.
  • When he started dating Magnus, 70% of his insecurity was due to his asexuality, which he had not told Magnus about. He knew Magnus had dated a lot of people during his immortal life and, although still jealous about it, Alec was mostly just scared that as soon as Magnus found out he didn’t want to have sex he’d leave him.
  • They had been dating for quite a few months before Alec finally told Magnus. They had come pretty close to having sex on several occasions but Alec always stopped them. Magnus never asked why, he just respected Alec’s wishes. When Alec did tell Magnus, he couldn’t do it face to face, he was too scared of seeing disappointment (or worse, disgust) in Magnus’ face. Instead, he wrote Magnus a letter explaining everything and left it on the table for Magnus to find when he woke up one morning. By then, Alec had gone back to the Institute for training. He didn’t hear anything from Magnus all day and he was getting scared Magnus was going to break up with him. He stayed in his room at the Institute all day, worrying about it. Then he got a message from Magnus that night, asking him to go to Magnus’. The message was brief and didn’t give much away and Alec contemplated ignoring it, assuming Magnus only wanted to see him to break up with him. But he thought that if Magnus had the decency to want to break up with him in person then he should at least have the decency to actually speak to him, so he went to Magnus’.

Alec hesitated before pushing the door open. He was starting to tremble with nerves and fear.

He’s going to break up with me, he thought. The only man who’s ever really cared about me. The only man who’s ever even looked at me and who I trusted myself with, and he’s going to break up with me.

He pushed the door open and stepped into Magnus’ loft. He had only just closed the door when Magnus appeared, wrapped his arms around Alec and hugged him so fiercely he lifted him right off his feet. Stunned, it was a few moments before Alec even registered what was happening. Then he put his arms around Magnus’ neck and rested his forehead against Magnus’.

‘I love you,’ Magnus said, softly. ‘Thank you so much for being comfortable enough to tell me, even if you couldn’t do it in person. It means so much to me.’ He placed a light kiss on Alec’s cheek. ‘I love you,’ he repeated. ‘I have never loved anyone more than I love you and if you never want to have sex that’s fine by me, because all I want is you.’

  • Alec and Magnus do, very occasionally, have sex. Magnus never ever pressures Alec into it and it’s always Alec who initiates and indicates that he’s okay with it.
  • People gossip, and it gets out that Alec isn’t gay, but asexual (and homoromatic). This shocks people more than thinking he was gay had, because most of them believe asexuality either isn’t a real sexuality or is an illness. Isabelle is upset that Alec never felt comfortable telling her, but she understands that talking to your sexually active little sister about not feeling sexual attraction to anyone isn’t exactly the most comfortable thing to have to do. Jace doesn’t clearly understand what it means, so he researches it. Then, as a way of educating the other Shadowhunters on asexuality, Magnus, Clary, Jace, Izzy and Simon throw an asexuality awareness party, where they make posters (designed by Clary) and hand out leaflets explaining all about asexuality. Though some of the Shadowhunters were still pretty ignorant and rude (because the world doesn’t change in a day, unfortunately), but a lot of them became more accepting after they learned what asexuality was. It made a lot of Alec’s interactions with them much more relaxed, because they weren’t struggling to withhold questions that might have been rude. Magnus invited Raphael to the awareness party but of course the vampire never showed up, though he secretly appreciated what they were doing.
  • A lot of people still tiptoe around Alec’s asexuality. They treat him like he’s completely ignorant and naive about sex. This really pisses him off for a while before he realises he can have fun with it. Whenever he has a conversation with someone who treats him this way, he starts making loads of subtle sex jokes and innuendos to confuse them because they’re thinking ‘does he know what he’s saying, or is he just screwing with me?’ This also endlessly entertains Magnus, Jace and Izzy. Life is too short to get mad at people who refuse to stop being ignorant.
  • Alec stopped feeling insecure about Magnus missing sex when he witnessed various exes and other Downworlders flirting with Magnus (some of them aware of Alec’s asexuality and trying to use it to convince Magnus to date/sleep with them instead) and Magnus turned them all down before going to Alec, hugging him and kissing him on the lips, showing them that he only wants Alec.

(I included the headcanon about Alec and Magnus still very occasionally having sex because I wanted to point out that just because asexuals don’t feel sexual attraction, it doesn’t mean they don’t ever have sex. There can be a number of different reasons why someone who is asexual might have sex, e.g. they want to make their partner happy (emphasis on they want to), they might want to know what it’s like (you don’t have to actually have had sex to know whether you’re asexual or not, just like you don’t need to have had a boyfriend/girlfriend to know whether you’re gay/lesbian/bi/pan), they might want to feel sexual pleasure (not feeling sexual attraction doesn’t mean they don’t like sexual pleasure), and so on. This concludes Lorna’s basic guide to reasons why asexuals might have sex. I very recently accepted that I myself am asexual (and homoromantic) so this headcanon was actually pretty good for me. Thank you!)