PaperMag

4. Cover Girls

Being on the cover of a magazine is a big accomplishment for a model. After all, who could forget Eugena’s Playboy cover?

Or McKey’s cover shoot for Vogue Knitting?

That’s why the ANTM girls get genuinely excited when they learn that they’ll be shooting a cover for Paper Magazine. “Only a superstar gets the cover of Paper,” Drew tells us. (Rita’s been on the cover twice, how hard it can be?)

Drew means what he says about superstars, though. And if you’re wondering, “The Top Model contestants aren’t superstars, so how come they get to be on the cover?” that’s because they actually won’t.

Drew, acting as if he hasn’t just got the girls’ hopes up, clarifies that for “the winner of America’s Next Top Model, this cover will be published and viewed by the world on PaperMag.com.”

The disappointment is pretty plain to see on the contestants’ faces and I can’t believe the editors don’t edit around it like they normally would.

That ain’t a cover, Drew. Call me old-fashioned, but a cover has to, well, COVER something. Otherwise it’s just another photo on a website.

It may be on the “world wide web,” but it’s not as if the world visits PaperMag.com. Unless there’s some new Kim Kardashian ass shots on their way, more people will definitely see these photos on this tv show than they will at that website.

Speaking of disappointments, Mickey Boardman is back to “help” out.

Still not a cover, Mickey! Mickey’s like the gay best friend you never wanted but keeps showing up anyway. In obscenely sparkly shirts, no less.

Courtney swears she’s going to do great at this shoot because beauty shots are her forté. Cody isn’t so convinced, though.

While the finished product is definitely intriguing, the exaggerated cheek indentations, strong eyebrows, and pouted lips read kinda Zoolander to me:  

CoryAnne’s “cover” gets a similar movie reference when Drew compares it to a Tim Burton character. There is something super Helena Bonham Carter about her here.

Drew also think she looks old. “Elderly” is a little cruel, but to be honest, when I look at CoryAnne, I tend to see 30 rather than 19.

Fortunately for CoryAnne, the other judges love her shot because they think she’s finally giving some “attitude,” which is the one thing that’s been missing from her modeling.

Hold up. The judges think CoryAnne doesn’t have enough attitude? They clearly need to see some footage from the house. Remember how she started the episode complaining that India is dull?

Oh, honey. If I had my window open during that scene, I bet I could have heard America collectively laughing at her for that. CoryAnne’s so boring that I had to take a nap just thinking about her.

Speaking of India, she wears a giant Koosh ball and is stunning per usual. Looking at the shot, though, before Law can even mention it, I said to myself, “Whoa, she really looks like Gigi Hadid there.”

Ashley doesn’t think that’s a problem because India can “make this work for [her.]” I’m not entirely sure how… unless India’s looking to get into the celebrity impersonation game. Like, she could definitely get paid five figures to shoot porn in a darkened room that would later get labeled “Gigi Hadid Leaked Sex Tape.”

Rita also isn’t too concerned about India’s Gigi-ness, explaining that when she started getting famous, everyone compared her look to other celebrities. That, or they were just so unfamiliar with Rita that they started guessing vaguely famous people’s names that they’ve heard mentioned before in the hopes that they might accidentally guess right.

No one has more trouble at the shoot than Tash. She wants to use her cover to “save the children.”

This results in a lot of awkward hand posing, which Drew repeatedly discourages her from doing to no avail.

He reminds her that they just want her to be herself, but that’s a difficult instruction for someone who doesn’t think of herself as a “herself” but as a twin.

Tash’s photo is clearly the worst. Law is the only judge to attempt to compliment the photo and he totally bungles it up in a way that would seem pretty damn racist if it weren’t coming from a fellow black person.

Strike that, I still think it’s racist. 

Moving on, Ashley says one of her challenges in the modeling industry was learning to restrain her poses and just be natural.

Ah, so THAT’S why Rita was asked to be on the panel. She may not be a model, but she sure knows how to stand there.

You know who else is good at doing nothing? This week’s best photo winner Cody. She just goes on set, looks straight into the camera, and the judges love it. I mean, it’s no National Geographic cover, but I suppose Paper Magazine would be honored to put it on its cover website.

5 Funniest Moments of America’s Next Top Model Cycle 23 Ep. 11

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“Pretty Girl” - Hayley Kiyoko

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“We are happy to mean something. The hardest thing for an artist isn’t measuring up to people’s expectations. It’s about getting across the understanding that what we did was legitimate. We see it as a validation, sort of — whether it comes five years or 10 years down the line, obviously it’s better if the validation comes while you’re still alive.” Thomas Bangalter