Pam Greer

Simon Doonan Can Suck My Big Black Afro: Part I

I CAN’T deal with this bullshit. 

Simong Doonan recently published an article waxing nostalgic about afros and it is ALL WRONG. I get that he’s trying to be cute… but this not working.

It’s not that it’s wrong for a white man to like afros, or even to want to see them. But to request that women wear them because of his nostalgic yearning for the 70’s and idea that they are “easier to maintain” than other black hair options is ridiculous! “Liberate yourself through your hair” says another misguided white person.

A few thoughts:

1) An afro is not always easier to maintain than other hair styles, it takes a lot of work to keep it up, not to mention untangling it after the day is done. Oh, wait, he covers this in the article.

“When I expressed my longing for the return of the afro, Pam was quick to splash a little reality on my nostalgic longings. According to Lady Grier, it’s not as low-maintenance as it looks.” But let’s not listen to the black woman whose hair you are idolizing as she explains that it is less than the ideal you think it is.
“Pam’s words did nothing to dampen my afro-ardor.” Obviously not. 

2) The afro NEVER LEFT! Who is he referring to, there are many prominent people with fros and there have been for a while. Open your eyes or go to a black neighborhood for once. 

“And yet … styles change, and fashion evolves, and the afro has—with the exception of occasional retro-hipster sighting on Broadway below Eighth Street—become as rare as a dodo.” I just can’t even respond to this. 

3) Oh looks like he did go to Harlem, to pick up some authentic 70’s kitsch: “Thanks to the current unpopularity of the afro, afro picks can be purchased at rock-bottom prices. I recently paid $10 for a box of a 50 from a beauty supply store in Harlem. These objets d’art make great gifts and can be used to tweak and tease non-afro coiffures. The grooviest picks have a Black Power fist in place of a handle. (SIDE BAR: This is SOOOOO offensive especially in an article with a youtube clip of Kathleen Cleaver). The revolution is coming, and it will be YouTubed. So get your pick now and start practicing.” This. Is. The. Worst. Afro picks in Harlem being sold at rock bottom prices, does the Market not have a soul?! Surely these objets d'art aren’t being bought by people who actually use them in, I don’t know, HARLEM. 

Also, what a cute quote about the “revolution”. My hope is that when the revolution comes it’s more along the lines of the 1 million (this is the real number!) black folks in jail getting out and society facing this new and horrific form of slavery it’s disguised as justice, but maybe I’m just being nostalgic. 

This man WILL be the subject of my next satire. “Simon Doonan’s ‘I Long For the Days When Black Face Was En Vogue and the Mistrel Show Reigned Supreme”

Mohammad on Busses?

Mohammad on Busses? #Islam #Muslim #Mohammad #jihad #freedom #America #ISIS

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Pamela Geller, the same one who put on the art show in Garland Texas that was shot up by ISIS-backed Muslim terrorists wants to see the artwork from the show gracing public busses and subway stations.  She wants to see depictions of Mohammad shown far and wide as a way of proving to the extremists that they cannot impose their religion on others.  As expected, bus and subway operators are…

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Something Wicked This Way Comes Gets The Reboot Treatment!

Something Wicked This Way Comes (1983) “By the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.”

Jawbreaker (1999)

I can’t believe I’ve never seen this movie before. As a critical and commercial dud, this movie became a cult classic almost immediately. These popular, mean girls unintentionally murder their best friend on her birthday, and a nerdy girl finds out, so they turn her into one of them in exchange for her silence. It’s really great. Tangent - They don’t make teen movies like this anymore, they’re all pathetic now, so I’m glad I finally gave this one a try. I honestly can’t even name enough cool girl actresses who could even begin to play roles like this today. I actually can’t name one at all. The movie Springbreakers is the closest thing we have to Jawbreaker, and that’s honestly not saying much. Anyway, the further into the movie you get, the sloppier it becomes, and the ending is pretty abrupt, but it’s still a good movie.

Rating: B. It’s a meaner, and sloppier, Mean Girls, a more comedic Heathers, and a brighter Carrie. If that’s not enough to make you want to watch it, I don’t know what is.

A live reaction to Black Mama White Mama

I have decided to watch Black Mama White Mama.  I don’t know what its about other then it has the incomparable Pam Greer and that it is 83 minutes long. I will present the time and my reaction. The starting time is 3:48 am. I have had no alcohol only a diet doctor pepper and some cream of wheat earlier.

348: The credits are static outside a prison.  Always a good sign for what is probably a blackplotation film. 

349: i honestly the think the soundtrack is done on a recorder.

350: I’m not sure who white mama is but both her and greer are hot. Even the guards are hot this is a great prison.

351: Greer is wearing an evening gown. Legal processing must have been really fast in 70’s to for a night out on the town to maximum security prison.

352: Nudity! and female guard is spying on them.  Porkies eat your heart out.  Man jail looks like the most fun ever.

355: The arroused guard and hose in the shower fight editing sequence was surprisingly avant gard.

356: the prison uniforms a tiny yellow mini skirts! Man MSNBC’s lockdown has been hiding as the sexy jails I guess.

357: An Australian inmate means this jail has every creed represented.  How pleasantly diverse.

359: The 20 something female warden is trying to seduce Greer. So far its almost exactly like the Shashank.

400: She slapped Greer with a leather glove! Why do need a glove to hit a prisoneer.

401: A guard is comforting the warden who already wins the award for most crying by a warden in a movie with a total so far of 1.

403: Their pink jail overcoats are as long as dresses.

404: Greer is being unreasonable. 

405: FOOD FIGHT!

406: They got a day in the “oven” who know this would be a holocaust movie and does it take a full day.

407: Never mind the holocaust was never even close to this sexy.

408: They are getting transferred? To where? They have been at this jail for maybe 48 hours.

409: Wow! White mama had her gang of radical terrorists attack the prison bus as they strangle the hot warden like jabba the hut. 

411: I have not idea where in the world this takes place.  The entire cast is far to racially diverse. It looks some exotic island. Where did Greer get a bottle of gin? Are prisons usually stocked with liquor.

414: White Mama is rich Black Mama is poor but they are now chained together and will probably have to overcome some difference.

416: This movie just won the award for most nuns mugged in a movie with 2.

418:  They are in some Vietnam like country and some bad guy is torturing a hooker who is loyal to Greer.

420: Women killed: 2 Men: 5

421: The girls stole a dump truck.

423: Karen “White Mama” is apparently trying to get guns for her terrorist organization full of Japanese guys.

424: The girls are bonding on a bus.

425: Oh snap some other nuns just got on. Hijinks are about to ensue.

426: This way point inspector is shockingly perceptive he can spot a fake nun in a bus of about 200 people.

428: “What have you done for me lately”

429: This island is odd combination of the Philippians and Texas.

431: No way that hooker is named Lupe.

432: The girls are stealing food from poor villagers.  Classy.

434: I don’t understand why the bad guys have Spanish accents, the good people have American accents even if they are Japanese and the extra have Asian accents.

435: The fat bad guy is getting what looks like the wort message of all time. I guess that’s called an unhappy beginning.

437: They just met man who refers to himself in the third person. Who is not swayed by seduction and just tried to rape Karen. Who tries to rape a person attached to another person by a generously long handcuff.

440: Attack dogs killed 1.

441: For the first time the girls are cold but they have been running around in t-shist mini dresses for 4 days and now they get cold?

443: The cowboys just won the best jeep of all time award.

444: Hookers apparently have no loyalty.

445: Penis sizes given 2

446: What Philipino guy is packing an 8 inch hog unexcited? None this movie is super inaccurate.

449: The cowboy is trying bang two sisters that scream like they are retarded.  This movie is a little traumatizing. Impressive her can carry to full sized girls at the same time though.

450: Nature stock footage looks like it was shot in New England.

452: The Cowboy apparently just want to wrestle around not have sex. He needs some kids I guess.

453: Some guy is too drunk to throw rocks in a lake so the girls killed him. Harsh. Men killed 6.

455: The sisters are now deeply ashamed of their horse play.

456: Shit is about to hit the fan.

457: The terrorist has hurt the cowboy’s feelings deeply. These criminals are surprisingly sensitive

458: Men killed 10

459: Men killed 17

500: Men killed 23

501: The most boring hanging laundry chase scene ever.

502: Men killed 24

503: The girls are friends now.

504: the Japanese is apparently named Ernesto.  That is surprising.

505: They are unchained and Pam Greer is kind of sad about. Apparently a point blank 9mm can break a think steal chain.

507: Amount of Voltzwagon Things: 6 this movie is the Italian Job of the Things

508: Where did the girls get new clothes? Pam Greer’s character past is very confusing. She was apprently a Junkie, Hooker, Revolutionary, spy abroad.

509: Men killed 27

510: Men Killed 29

511: Karen just suffered a shot to leg that drew no blood caused no wound and did not impair her.

512: KAREN DIED.  White Mama is dead.

513: Women Killed 3 Men killed 41.

514: Ernesto suffered a shot to the arm but has exscaped the police I guess.

514: Why was the only white person on this a Island a terrorist?

515: THE END? what? Pam just leaves on a boat like a coward.  BOOOO

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