+ the inability or struggle to say “no”, because disobedience meant punishment and you are used to being directed all the time
+ being unable to emotionally relate with your family (especially parents, if they are the abuser). concurring thoughts of “i won’t care if THEY die”, or “they won’t care if I die”
+ always afraid/hesitant to confide in someone else about feelings or thoughts, because you are used to being neglected/dismissed when you talk about your feelings, constantly being replied with “get over it”. the consequence of this is that the emotions/feelings pile up inside over time and, when you reach the limit, you suddenly become self-destructive or imminently violent/emotional
+ however, when given the chance to CONFIDE about your feelings with freedom confidently, everything spills out, even if it’s with a stranger or with someone you have not been in contact for very long.
+ you always assume that the answer to every question/statement you say is “no”, even if you definitely know the person is very likely to say “yes”. you prepare for denial and disappointment and feel a huge wave of relief when they say “yes”.
+ being secretive about enjoyment/liking things, or being secretive in what you’ve done for the day, even if it’s not deemed “bad” or “illegal”.
+ simultaneously confused whether you have affection towards your parent(s) or you hate them whole-heartedly, despite knowing that they abuse you. the confusion stems from “well, they’re my parent, so i think they’re doing this because they love me”, though the thought is, of course, false
+ being scared that people will only take advantage of you, as your parents consequently thought of you as an object to benefit from, and not someone to love.
+ being easily attached to others, because you had no parental figure. this can lead you to being easily manipulated and you are very easily controlled. children under parental abuse are also more likely to have “chosen families”.
+ having an “escape plan” or “last resort” if you still live with your parents, just in case they do something worse to you, thinking up of elaborate plans to get out, how you’ll survive, where you’ll stay, etc.
+ being surprised learning that other parents are unlike your parents, and having to have someone/a source to tell you that what your parents are doing is abusive, and as a child you thought it was normal to be unhappy at home.
+ liking school or days out because that meant being away from your parents
+ developing emotional/personality disorders and distorted thinking
me, at myself:
so you have 231 unopened emails, 34 unread texts, 3 essays, 5 hw assignments, ur mom's calling, the dog needs to be let out, u haven't taken ur meds in 2 days,, showering would be nice, oh fuc it's dinner time-
also me *staring blankly*:
yo u ever see shapes in the ceiling? there's like a lil bunny right there lol
Ordinary nightmares (that have nothing to do with the circumstances, just stupid nightmares much more often than the average person)
Getting sharp pains in your back/neck/collarbones that make it hard to breathe (due to hypervigilance/constant high anxiety)
Learning that “high anxiety” does not mean “generalized anxiety” like other people have with panic attacks and not feeling that they can accomplish thing. PTSD anxiety just means this frenetic energy that makes you want to talk/think/do things (even as an introvert) to avoid stopping.
Feeling constantly bored like you have to chase after something, even if you’re just at home: I spend hours on tumblr, pinterest, watching tv, reading books, making art, never just laying there alone…because if you stop…the darkness is there
Thinking up stories before bed. This is a symptom of high anxiety because you’re trying to calm down and fall asleep in a “safe world” where people are looking out for you and caring for you.
Trouble falling asleep (which is distinct from insomnia) because turning off electronics etc. doesn’t help since your heartrate/fight or flight response is engaged
Periods of racing heart (mine has gotten to 120bpm for five hours) that make you feel like you’re waiting for something to happen
Exaggerated startle response. When I was a kid I used to hide behind corners to surprise my sisters. Two years ago my friend hid under my desk to scare me. I literally screamed, fell out of the chair, and started crying. She was laughing because she thought the joke went well, and then got concerned because I kept crying.
Purposefully “tanking” a bad day with sad music/tv/movies/books because it “was already ruined anyway”