the stigma surrounding sexual trauma and sexual dysfunctions in general is infuriating. it only adds to the mountain of shame and embrassment that we feel when society reacts so negatively to our daily struggles. the culture of “lets not talk about it so it goes away” is unbelievably toxic and only stokes the flames of the problem. there is something clearly wrong when we are this afraid to talk about our absolutely valid pain.

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Trauma. It can be a tricky thing to have to deal with. Many of us have been through a traumatic event in our lifetime, and many of us have PTSD as a result. Today we are talking about being traumatized but not having PTSD and what that can look like. Of all the things I talk about in this video, I want the key takeaway to be that we cannot compare our experience to anyone else’s. We can be in the same situations and experience the same things and yet come out with different struggles as a result. Everyone is different and everyone’s set of coping skills, genetic make up, and resiliency is different. Here’s the question I talked about today:
Hey kati, my therapist says I’m really traumatized. I never really thought I was but I’ve realized I really am. I was wondering if you would be able to do some more videos on trauma, and being “traumatized” also how to know if you are traumatized and just things around it like what can be a trauma or cause it. Not just PTSD because that doesn’t always come with trauma..??? So yeah it would be really great if you maybe could.

Mindful Education-  Personal Reflection

I recently watched the new Steven Universe episode, “Mindful Education.” And boy, was the timing of this episode’s airing truly uncanny. I’m still sitting here listening to the song, crying because it really hits a soft spot inside of me right now.

Warning: The following is a vent about trauma, abuse, abandonment issues, bad coping skills, mental illness… And love. It’s a bit long, and of course has spoilers, but I need to get it all out.


So, I’ve been led to believe I have PTSD from a recent and sudden breakup. However, my significant other and I have gotten back together despite the odds. But because of the breakup and how it took a toll on me personally, I believe it’s just like the butterflies/thoughts in the SU episode- it’s trauma, PTSD, ect- it’s interfering with my relationship.

Let’s back-track a bit to understand why I’d stake such a claim.

There are some bad situations we dwell on and let go of… And then there’s situations which leave scars upon your person. Deep, infected wounds that don’t heal properly inside of you. In the short span of 19 years, I’ve had lots of those- and since they happened when I was very young, I carry these situations and these feelings at all times with me, even when I don’t realize it. They’ve left their mark on me and like to inconvenience the life I live.

I don’t have a good family life. My family doesn’t communicate whatsoever about emotions- in fact I was shamed for having any sort of bad emotions, whether justified or not, and my parents were allowed to scream and throw tantrums in front of me without any control. I was molested when I was in kindergarten by two different people; they don’t know because I’ve learned from a young age not to trust them. They treat my feelings and thoughts as if they’re not very important or valued. So I’m used to holding my tongue.

But I wanted love, and craved the love I was missing from my family, so I developed codependent tendencies with my friends. They were my chosen family, my solace from how my parents treated me. Friends in the adolescent age say one thing but then act differently- my poor little self didn’t know this. I’d give my all to people who easily left me behind, triggering a new cycle of depression each time it happened. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for about 2-3 years with a boy I had a long-distance relationship with. He drove me into screaming fits of anxiety without mercy weekly for months on end… But I thought if I stuck around and fought for him he’d change. Newsflash: he didn’t. My parents knew I was in a bad situation but didn’t’ do anything/literally ignored me when I was fighting with him. My anxiety disorder was worsened after such a long, taxing relationship.

During a depressive cycle, I fell in love with a boy who said he loved me and whispered promises to me, then months later acted as if we had never been close. This was the deepest depression I ever developed- I was suicidal, self-harming pretty bad, and was hopeless. I’ve had a close friend of mine recently, one I helped get through her first year of college with, suddenly dump me and leave me behind without even bothering to fight for our friendship like I did.

People in my life meant so much to me in those moments, but I had to mentally rewire myself and tell myself love was evil and would only lead to disappointment. I had to tell myself to be cold, to have titanium skin and to guard my own heart, after all of these horrible, saddening experiences. I was just a girl full of so much love and so much kindness, and people used me and left me behind. I was really jaded over it- how I could do so much for others but they treated me like I never even mattered. The one thing that always got me was, I always loved more than the other person. I believed nobody could love like me, so I had to protect myself.

Then my senior year, I fell in love again. I fell in love with a lovely, shy boy who I talked for hours on end in my car after musical rehearsal. Someone who I could talk to about anything and everything. We both liked each other- both expressed this- but we both had negative emotions about relationships, so we remained friends. But then I was overwhelmed with emotion one night, asked him to be mine, and he agreed.

That boy turned out to be a trans non-binary being, but I still love them with all of my heart. I encouraged their feminine side and stood by them through everything. We’ve been together since November 2014.

However, in April of this year, their mental illness took hold of their entire life, and without really thinking it through… They broke up with me. At that moment for them it was a matter of life or death; it was survival, just to get through the end of that college semester. The breakup took me by complete surprise. I cried for weeks on end. I tried to distract myself and focus on college, and although I managed to bring my grades up a bit, I was suffering pretty badly. My “coping mechanism” of assuming the worst will happen kicked in, and I was plagued with intense anxiety and worries. I had nightmares every single night after they broke up with me; I still do today. I forced myself to be “strong” and didn’t allow myself to be selfish or really hope in another chance in us both. I was used to being left behind and always being hurt by those I love… This was just another case. My mind’s unhealthy mentality kicked in to protect me and heal me faster.

They didn’t communicate properly to me. They gave me confusing signals. They were hesitant on thinking of being with me again, for fear of hurting me/they didn’t feel worthy. All of these things I’ve forgiven; I hold no malice or anger toward my significant other for their decisions. Ultimately I was very proud of them for making the decision to take care of themselves. And I let them think on their own about us, about how they felt… Although they told me they didn’t love me romantically anymore, and that I was just a friend… They were lying to themselves out of fear. They didn’t realize until later, though. But all of these confusing and scary situations, full of doubt, made me value myself less, made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I was decided on them, but they had to think about what they thought of me.

They got bold and took charge. They stopped being so passive about us and told me they loved me still, and that we deserve a second chance. And I agreed- I love them too, I respect them whatever relationship we had, and I wanted to be with them. They’ve been certain with me, spoiling me and giving me all of their attention, reflecting just how much they truly felt for me. Our love is brand new, and much stronger, too. It feels so much better, so much more open, and I’m truly satisfied with us.

But now that the storm is over… I’m still plagued with second thoughts, with my mind trying to convince me to leave them. I feel uneasy and distrusting. My old coping mechanism- telling myself to be cold, to have titanium skin and to guard my own self- is now suddenly realized as a toxic coping mechanism, and is ruining a good, healthy relationship.

I can see that my symptoms of the breakup line up with PTSD. And with what happened to me in the past, and how abrupt the break up was, it’s not a stretch to assume I’ve now developed PTSD. Even now my mind subconsciously thinks “realistically,” i.e. we will drift apart in college, break up and find new people. Worst case scenarios always happened to me, so my mind mentally is bracing myself, disallowing me to enjoy my relationship and blocking me from trusting them. Hope is in a chokehold inside of me. But that doesn’t mean that how I feel will actually happen. Hope really isn’t all lost- it just feels like that.

This episode hits home because it made me face my emotions about my situation. About my potential PTSD over our breakup. Both the SO and I have talked about these feelings, and of course they respond patiently, lovingly and with their best efforts, but I know they don’t understand how intense it is inside. I feel bad about what happened; old scars have been torn open once more and I’m not functioning as I should. I’m not perfect.

But “take a moment of think of just flexibility, love and trust” reminds me that good, healthy and lasting relationships go through strife like this, and it’s really okay. “That they confuse you; that I might lose you” is how I feel every day about my internal dialogue. I’ve been torn over how I feel. “Take a moment to ask yourself, if this is how we fall apart” is a direct question to whether I can pull through, if we can pull through….

“But it’s not but its not but it’s not… It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.”

I’ve been feeling guilty I can’t control this response to something I process as traumatic. I’ve been feeling bad I can’t let it go, as if it’s something I can even do at this point. But it’s okay to feel bad; “it’s just a thought just a thought just a thought.” We can get through this together as long as we keep communicating, keep our priorities straight, and most of all, keep loving one another with deep understanding and patience. We are definitely worth it.

This episode hit me hard; I was crying hearing and watching it. But it hit me at the right moment. I feel like I’m making better progress on making peace with happened; I’ve been considering going back to therapy/counseling, and I think I do want to now to ultimately help me, my bad coping skill, and all of the trauma and abuse I’ve been through. I truly feel better after watching this episode. I feel better about how I have been responding to the situation, and how my mind is just trying to protect me from disappointment and hurt. I’m responding in a way that instinctively is just defensive, and that’s not bad at all. I can learn to move from this, how to fix this.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay it’s okay.”

This is going to be a rather long personal post about health, PTST, weight, and dealing with doctors. So if you’re not into that, scroll right on past. I promise I won’t be offended. 

I hate going to the doctor. I know most people don’t like going to the doctor, but I HATE going to the doctor. I really don’t want to go into all the gory details, but the gist of it is that I have PTSD due to a couple of deeply traumatic childhood events. In the wake of those events I had to deal with medical exams and for some fucked up reason I remember the medical exams more than the actual traumas. So going to the doctor is extremely triggering. 

Going to the dentist is actually worse because when I was a teenager I went to a dentist who shouted at me until I cried and deliberately made sure the treatments would hurt in order to teach me a lesson about taking better care of my teeth. 

Yesterday, I finally went to the dentist after putting it off for almost a year. 

When I started going to this dentist, I disclosed that I have PTSD and an extreme dental phobia. He seemed sympathetic at first and even offered me sedation dentistry, but when I found out that sedation comes with a $700 “Monitoring fee”, I declined. I’m phobic, but I’m also poor. Now I get the impression that he doesn’t believe I’m as terrified as I am. Like a lot of abuse survivors, I’m really good at smiling and pretending everything is fine when inside everything is going to hell. 

Unfortunately, my blood pressure is not as good at lying. 

Moments after enduring a shaming lecture about putting off my dental work, a blood pressure cuff was slapped on my wrist. I wasn’t surprised to see that my reading was high. Of course it was. With the dentist out of the room, I told the assistant that I monitored my blood pressure at home because of a family history and that my readings are almost always normal and occasionally creep up into the pre-hypertensive range. Considering my family history, this is pretty darn good. The assistant was very understanding and even put a note about it in my charts because she took my word for it when I reported what my BP is at home.

I explained the same thing to the dentist when he came back in but he just gave me a patronizing look and told me that white coat syndrome wasn’t real and that stress could only raise your blood pressure “a few points”. I told him that it’s only ever that high at his office, that I’d even checked at home that morning and it was 139/89, which is pre-hypertension high but not actually high blood pressure. His response was “That’s really high!” with a look of exaggerated concern. 139/89 is right on the line between pre-hypertension and stage one hypertension. Even if I had readings like that every day, a doctor probably would not prescribe medication.

The next ten minutes were a lecture about how high blood pressure was a silent killer and how I was going to die if I didn’t get it under control. I kind of expected the lecture, but what I didn’t expect is that he’d refuse to treat me until I saw a doctor and “got it under control”. He said this knowing that I’m currently dealing with a tooth ache that is causing me daily pain. So I have to assume that he expects me to go get on BP medication, because that’s the only way anyone can lower their blood pressure drastically in a short amount of time. Otherwise, I’d be living with a toothache for months while I made lifestyle changes to lower my BP. 

The really frustrating thing is that I guarantee he does fillings on people with much higher blood pressure than me. I know because I could hear the assistant talking to an old man in the room next to me. Unsurprisingly, the old man did not get a lecture about his much higher blood pressure. 

So why did this dentist refuse to believe me and discount the effects of PTSD on blood pressure? 

Well, probably because I’m fat. The “obesity crisis” narrative says that I should have hypertension. The media says that fat people are lazy liars who cheat on diets and aren’t honest with themselves. And the icing on the cake is that a lot of people assume PTSD is something only soldiers get, and when women have similar mental health problems they’re just being dramatic. 

So of course he thinks I’m a liar. I’m just a big, fat, dramatic liar. 

(Bonus bullshit: This dentist is so out of touch with reality that he told me to just “walk across the parking lot” to the McDoctor style clinic. I told him I couldn’t do that because I can only afford to see in-network providers for my very limited and specific insurance. He looked completely confused. Like this is a dude who has never had to worry about a copay in his life.)

I went straight home and made an appointment to see my doctor so she can clear me to get this stupid cavity filled. In the meantime, I’m monitoring my BP and charting it so she can get the full picture. 

This morning I’m mad as hell at that dentist, but my BP is 126/78. 

I’m considering mailing my dentist some literature on PTSD and blood pressure. 

I’m tagging this “personal” for my followers who prefer to avoid these kinds of posts, but you’re welcome to reblog this and share your own stories of dealing with fatphobia in healthcare. 

Room For One More Trouble Soul - Voltron Fic - Shiro/Pidge (Platonic)

Pidge’s first theory: Intruder. Maybe a Galra spy managed to sneak aboard the castle, break into Shiro’s room, and attack him in his sleep. But the sounds Shiro is making are quieter, like he’s attempting to hold them in and failing. Which leads to her second theory: Nightmare.


Thanks to the beautiful and wonderful @brettanomycroft​ for planting the seed on this one. I wanted to experiment a bit with Shiro’s PTSD and Pidge’s response to that based off of her own trauma, so hopefully I did them both justice.

This takes place in canon pretty much at any point post their battle with the Guardian and pre season finale. At this point in time, their interactions are purely platonic.

Rating: Teen and Up

Fandom: Voltron Legendary Defender

Pairing: Shiro/Pidge 

Words: 6102

Tags: 


Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD

Nightmares

Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Explicit Language

Psychological Trauma

Emotional Hurt/Comfort

Takes place in canon somewhere

Probably around Return to the Balmera

So much guilt and suffering guys I’m so sorry

there’s a happy ending i promise

Read on AO3

anonymous asked:

I just want to throw this out there for your followers. I'm sick of seeing ppl think PTSD is only related to military combat, but you don't have to have seen combat to have PTSD. Matter of fact you can get PTSD from basic training believe it or not. Anything traumatic to an individual can cause PTSD.

Agreed!

You have a right to come out of trauma uglier and meaner and angrier and less forgiving. And being a “bad survivor” does not impinge upon your validity as a survivor or how deserving you are of care, healing and recovery. Grow claws and fangs, hate the people who hurt you, hold on to your grudges ‘til your grave, never forgive and never forget if that’s what you need. And don’t let anyone judge or shame you for what gives you that scrap of safety, or security, or healing, that the cruelty of others had denied you.

  • a normal kids show teaching morals:always be kind and just, eat your vegetables, believe in the power of friendship.
  • Steven Universe teaching morals:unhealthy relationships can be mutually abusive, and often create co-dependence at the point where the abused misses their abuser. Abusive people often use emotional manipulation rather/besides physical violence to try and control their partner. PTSD can't be cured just by facing the thing that caused you a trauma. No means no and if you don't respect that you deserve to be punched into next week.
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ty @jvvvk for being the mastermind of the sniper!lance craze and for enabling me to work on my au :’) 

Reminder

the goal of recovery is not “moving on”
the goal of recovery is not forgiveness
the goal of recovery is not indifference to those who traumatized you
the goal of recovery is not getting back to who you were before trauma
the goal of recovery is not the elimination of all ptsd symptoms
the goal of recovery is not the fading of strong emotions about your trauma
the goal of recovery is not the ability to never think about your trauma anymore

the goal of recovery is getting to a place where you can prioritize your own safety, autonomy, self love, and connection with others.

Your recovery isn’t about whether you can pass as a non-survivor.
Your recovery is about whether you can know and love yourself a little more today than you did a year ago.