React

It’s okay to cry
It’s okay to scream
It’s okay to twitch
It’s okay to flinch
It’s okay to step back
It’s okay to hide under the covers
It’s okay to get angry
It’s okay to say you’re scared
It’s okay to react.

It’s perfectly okay.

And it’s good to react.

It doesn’t make you bad person if it hurts to listen to your friends talk.

It doesn’t make you bad person to not want S/O to touch you.

It doesn’t make you a bad person if you can’t speak when everyone wants you to.

It’s okay.

These things take time.
It takes a while to recover.

You’re friends.
You’re S/O.
Everyone who cares about you WILL understand.

You don’t have to rush into anything.
You don’t need to force anything before it gets better.

Take your time.
Go your own pace.

Remember to breathe.
Remember to take care of yourself.
And remember you’re doing a lot better than you might feel.

You’re going to get there.

And it’s going to be just fine.

Mental health crisis

The past few months have been horrible for me. I went through the worst emotional abuse I have ever experienced. (Even by my adoptive parents) I’m done. I had a break down in the beginning of march and thought I had put most of my trauma and childhood related trauma behind me but unfortunately after this weekend it got worse. Disney is supposed to be a place of happiness but instead I was thinking of ending everything in a non suicidal way. I wanted to check out. I wanted to walk away and just disappear forever. My heart was literally hurting. I felt like I was having a heart attack. Every time there was no one looking I was on the floor curled up in a ball crying and screaming. FYI Disney Nurses and cast members are amazing at dealing with people in trauma. I couldn’t eat. Everything hurt. I had a fever and my blood pressure and heart rate were through the roof. I lost 6 pounds over night. I currently weigh 92 pounds. Zero motivation for anything. I just wanted to sleep and do nothing all day. I’m on full disability and that covers my bills so there’s no reason for me to work either. I just wanted to be happy again. I feel like I’m grieving. I’m going through all of the stages. Crying, anger, denial, acceptance and then it just repeats. Last week I sat in my car in my driveway for the last 2 hours trying to just unbuckle my seatbelt but I couldn’t even do that because in my car I feel safe and comfortable and like if I open up the door everything would come crashing down again.

But today was a good day. I ate 3 meals and snacked and didn’t throw up. I was calm and didn’t cry. I did get angry but it’s justified and I didn’t do anything stupid for once. I owned the abuse and have decided to move on. I’m like Anne of Green Gables. I get into the most awful scraps but only once and then I never do it again. I say all this, not because I want attention but to show that this is normal. Mental health crisis often gets shoved under the rug. I am so lucky to have family that when I called dropped everything to come and get me. I’m insanely privileged to have friends that I can call at anytime to coax me off the preverbal ledge. I am so lucky that I could pull myself out of that hell and move on. You can too. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. I promise I will never blow you off. No one who treats you like crap deserve your excuses. I will not make exceptions for anyone anymore. Over the last 6 years I’ve grown so much. I’ve learned what abuse in family, friends, and partners looks like. I’ve learned how to avoid cons and scams. I’ve learned self respect and also how to put my pride away and ask for help. I’ve learned what my body does when it’s sick and how to fix it. I’ve learned what true love really is and found that I do have that capacity. I can honestly say I am the better for every single torturous situation I have ever subjected myself to or been the victim. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am wiped out and mentally exhausted but I am living my best life. That’s all that matters.

ideas are burnt on my eyelids;
imagination
threatens to break through
the glass wall it’s been trapped behind.
—  charleigh aleyna.

anonymous asked:

that ficlet was so good. Really made me feel for Lucy tbh

TY!  Here is a little follow up, in which we explore a little of Lucy’s PTSD and how Alura handles it.

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Lucy squinted and stared through the plaster dust and smoke that savaged her eyes and caked at the back of her throat.  She was ducked behind an overturned jeep, peering out into the chaos.   I’m a fucking lawyer, she thought, what am I doing here?  But she was an army lawyer.  She was trained for these circumstances.  So she relied upon her training and she fought.  

This part of Kandahar was supposed to have been cleared.  The only locals left in it were supposed to be friendlies.  But those kids (and goddamnit, but they were kids, not one among them could have been older than nineteen), spilling out of that open-bed pickup truck, were decidedly not friendly.  They had launched a couple of IEDs into a building.

She glanced down at the soldier next to her, one of the guards who’d greeted her when she’d arrived.  A compliance check, she thought bitterly, this was only supposed to be a compliance check.  She dragged his body out from where it was half-wedged under the jeep.  His face was blackened with dirt and soot, and his eyes were open, vacant.  He was gone, alright.  She saw him bleeding out on the dirt of the road.  She cursed.  She couldn’t get to his long gun, which was still inside the jeep, so she relieved him of his sidearm.  He wouldn’t be needing it.  She felt sticky remainders of his blood on the grip and trigger.

She squinted through the smoke at the truck careening through the street.  The kids in the truck had run out of shells for whatever that makeshift cannon was, and she saw now that two of them were jumping off the truck bed, and that their bodies were wired with charges.  She saw them headed toward the building at the end of the street, which was partially used as barracks and the rest of the units in it were occupied by locals.  

She was good with a nine millimeter.  Best in class by the end of basic.  She took two stray rounds in the shoulder for her trouble, but she took out the two runners before they could blow themselves up.  The others in the truck were nailed by a couple of guys in a jeep that came tearing in from the opposite end of the block.  

She was decorated.

She often woke up sweating.  She often saw the dead lieutenant on the dirty street next to her.  She often saw the two kids in their suicide vests.  They were younger, the closer she got to them.  Maybe more like fourteen.  

She woke up sobbing sometimes because she didn’t join the army to kill fourteen year olds.

She woke up angry sometimes because she didn’t understand why we as a species were so goddamned stupid, why she had to carry around the scars of that stupidity, why anyone did.

Keep reading

Apatite + Rose Quartz. 10/10, do recommend for trauma work. Big long ramble time.

I’m not normally someone who works much with stones. It’s another one of those things where I feel like I have a hard time tuning in.

But on a whim yesterday, I put an apatite and a rose quartz tumblestone together on my little net necklace thingie.

For a little personal background here… I’ve not been doing well lately on the relationship front. And that is especially problematic for me in particular, because I find it fucking impossible to talk about anything ever.

Having extreme trauma-related trust issues is one of those double-bind problems. Like, on one hand, I don’t trust people, so I’m more likely to feel insecure in my relationships, but on the other hand I can never say anything about it to get reassurance, BECAUSE I DON’T TRUST PEOPLE. It’s really hard to talk about how you’re feeling when you believe that revealing that you have human emotions is just going to result in people ripping you to pieces simply for funsies.

So this makes the issue a million time worse whenever I have a problem. I know it does. I know my refusal to talk makes it worse. I KNOW.

But… it’s not as simple as just… talking. To me, this is survival. Disobeying my instincts = dying, in my mind. My body physically won’t let me speak. The minute I try to open my mouth to talk, my body shuts it again by smacking me with the mother of all panic attacks.

And then I hate myself for it because I know I’m just making everything worse so even if I can ever manage to get past the belief that everyone is trying to kill me, I then have to deal with my internal self-loathing over believing people who love me are trying to kill me, which then makes me not wanna talk anyway because fuck why does anyone bother with me.

TL;DR PTSD is great. Anyway.

I took my apatite and my rose quartz with me.

It was a momentous, horrifically unpleasant effort, and I only got through about half of what I probably should have talked about.

But I talked about stuff.

And it went fine.

And I got my hugs and my reassurance.

And I feel a little better.

I can’t remember the last time I was capable of that. Probably 10 years ago.

And yes, I will give myself credit for making that happen. Yes, I’ve worked on it.

But I feel like that really helped. More than either one of them would alone.

Rose quartz, as basically everyone who’s been doing witchcraft for more than 5 minutes knows, is a love stone, including self-love. Important, in getting over this unwillingness to share, either because I don’t believe others love me, or I don’t love myself.

But not good enough on its own. I am someone who tends to rage-cry. And that’s another reason I find it hard to talk: I WILL NOT cry in front of people. I am not there yet in my life, ok?

So apatite: a much less commonly used stone that I have always been very, very drawn to. Probably the only stone I use frequently. Apatite is focusing, clarity-inducing, motivating. It has a more intellectual sort of thing to it. And for some reason, this makes me less liable to do the rage-cry thing, as well as generally helping me articulate myself.

Double TL;DR I am wearing this everywhere for the rest of my fucking life.

terrifying your own child into submission makes you an abuser.

watching your child cry and screaming at them to stop and invalidating their pain and reasons for crying makes you an abuser.

staring at your child in disgust and contempt after they displease you makes you an abuser.

threatening to your child to take away their basic resources if they don’t give you exactly what you want makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to feel ashamed for not living up to your ideals makes you an abuser.

using slurs, hateful names and insults on your own child without any regard to what it does to their mental health makes you an abuser.

forcing your child to chase impossible expectations and making them feel like they’re worthless for not achieving them makes you an abuser.

acting like your child is a burden and a waste of space and blaming their illness/disability/depression on it makes you an abuser.

behaving like your child will never amount to anything and isn’t worth any resources and nurturing makes you an abuser.

making your child feel like they’re never good enough makes you an abuser.

if your child’s heart is hurting because they know no matter what they do and how hard they try they will always be a failure in your eyes, you are an abuser.

if your child can’t look at themselves without self hatred because they had to look at themselves from your perspective and all they saw is disgust and hatred, you’re an abuser.

If your child is struggling to believe they have the right to live and to be cared and loved, if they can’t stop hearing your hateful voice putting them down and using their every action to prove they’re worthless, you’re an abuser.

If you watched your child in pain and assured them they deserved it, you’re an abuser.

If your child can’t love themselves from how badly you hated them, you’re an abuser.

Perks of BPD

• unpredictable as hell

• obsessing over new obsession brings the literal Joy™

• what is stable

• lots of super cool meds B-)

• depression becomes The Great Depression

• i love my fp i need them in order to breath

• i love nothing, i need nothing,,

• needing no sleep

• needing all the sleep

• we dont feel the emotion, we are the emotion

• discovering Today’s Personality™

• i am the most flawless being

• i want this mirror out n goNE NOW

• this current emotion is the only emotion

• validation feeds our soul

• disassociated so im only physically here rn please don’t try to make me speak

• we can choose to not actually hear you

• its 5 am but im not tired ????