“hello,” the dark lord said, “i need a library card.”

“everyone needs a library card,” the librarian said brightly, sliding a form across the desk. “fill this out.”

the dark lord produced her own elaborately plumed quill from the depths of her robes and scrawled her name in handwriting that was completely illegible but seemed to whisper the secrets of the dark from the blinding white page. “yes, but i need mine in order to take over the tri-kingdom area.”

the librarian’s polite smile barely faltered. “funny, the last dark lord to try that didn’t bother with a card.”

“yes, and do you see that fool currently ruling our kingdom? no. of course not. utterly ridiculous, to attempt to take over any size country without a library card, much less an intermediate-sized one like this.” she accepted the thin plastic card with a gracious flourish of her gloved hand.

the librarian, adding the new card’s number to the database, privately agreed, but chose not to say anything.

the librarian balanced the pile of pulled books under one elbow and held the list of call numbers in their hand for easy consultation. “intermediate spell casting for grades three and four,” they murmured, running fingers along the peeling spines until they found it. “willing to bet that’s sorrel’s request.”

they fit the large, paperbound book under their elbow and moved on, checking the list again. “magical creatures encyclopedia, L through M. that’s jackaby trying to finish the entire set by midsummer.” they would get that one last to carry it around the shortest amount of time.

“next — the complete guide to raising the dead.” they paused in front of the row of shelves with the right call numbers. they could guess the requester of that one too, but knew better than to say it out loud.

the return slot thunked loudly as it swung open and closed, having swallowed the returned books with a wet gulp.

“good morning,” the dark lord said pleasantly as she looked up from sliding her books in — or as pleasantly as “good morning” could sound when it was uttered by a voice that sounded like gravel being chewed to pieces by the jaws of a large monster.

“it is, very,” the librarian said crisply, conjuring a clean handkerchief for the still-slobbering return slot.

the mouth just visible under the dark lord’s enormous cloak hood curved into a scythe’s blade smile, but she said nothing else.

“did you enjoy your books?” the librarian asked, since she wasn’t moving and there were no other people waiting (most likely because of the dark lord standing there).

the hood nodded up and down. “extremely. especially the taped lecture by doctor dramidius ardorius of the dark arts institute.”

“well, we have many more taped lectures. i especially recommend the one on the healing powers of tea.” they tilted their head in a now get out sign. the poor steam-powered self-checkout contraption would get overheated if people were too scared to check out at the front desk.

they didn’t really expect the dark lord to take the recommendation seriously, but the next day they noticed the cloaked, hooded specter glide out the door with the taped lecture on magic-infused herbal teas tucked between a CD of dark chants and a step-by-step art book on drawing occult symbols.

“you give good recommendations,” the dark lord said with a shrug when the librarian raised their eyes from the front desk’s computer to the shadows of her hood.

the librarian wasn’t sure what to say. “you seem to take up quite a lot of my time.”

“i’m only a simple library patron,” the dark lord replied in a saintly voice that resembled a dragon coughing up a partially digested house. “do you enjoy mermaid song?”

“yes. you can find the library’s collection in the CD section over there.” they looked pointedly back down at the computer.

“i hear there’s a concert on the shore tomorrow evening.”

“perhaps we’ll get a recording of it.”

the dark lord continued taking out books on various unsavory topics. the librarian continued suggesting books on healing, positive thinking, and community service. the dark lord seemed more amused with each visit. her smile was almost charming, once you got past the long, sharp teeth.

the librarian was trying to go about their usual morning ritual of pulling books that had been requested the night before, but the dark lord wouldn’t stop making faces at them from behind gaps in the shelves. she seemed to find it hilarious. the librarian hadn’t decided yet if they were amused or annoyed.

“ooh, look at this,” the dark lord said, pulling a sturdy but beaten up board book featuring a werewolf mid-transformation on the cover from the shelf. “this was my favorite when i was just a little menace.”

“somehow i’m not surprised.”

the dark lord tucked the book into the ridiculous basket made of a large skull that floated alongside her. “didn’t you have a favorite picture book when you were little?”

“Barker the Sentient Book End,” the librarian said promptly. “i screamed for it every night until someone read it to me, long after i’d already memorized each page.”

the dark lord cooed, sounding like a cross between an owl and something eating an owl. “adorable. i knew you had a little monster in you somewhere.”

the librarian crossly debated denying being a monster at all or pointing out they had actual kraken blood in them.

they should have guessed how close the dark lord was from how good her mood was, but it wasn’t until they arrived at work on monday that the librarian heard the news.

“the newest dark lord managed to overthrow the faeyrie monarchy last night. something about combining traditional herbal spells with a newfangled mental magic based on the power of willful thinking… or something. the news reporter mentioned the use of mermaid song in a mild kind of mind control, i think? i wasn’t listening. the good news is, our budget stays in place.”

the librarian contemplated hurling the can of bookmarks across the room, but concluded that it would be both unprofessional and unsatisfying. they settled for aggressively stamping returned, only slightly saliva-covered books with red ink.

the phone clicked loudly. “public library, how can i help you?”

“by taking my offer,” the dark lord said, slightly hesitant voice like a rock slide that wasn’t sure it was ready to slide. “the royal library in the capital needs a new head librarian.”

“why’s that?” the librarian spun in their new swivel chair, tangling the phone cord while they were at it, thinking they wouldn’t want to leave so soon after getting it.

there was a cough like the ocean spitting out a new island. “erm, hmm, last one got… eaten. tragic. these things happen when you’re very, very small, you know.”

“so i’ve heard.” the librarian stretched the phone cord and watched it bounce back. “well, i’m happy where i am.”

“well.” her voice was more disappointed than they’d expected. “it’s a very nice library, you know. large selection of mermaid song in the CD section.”

“the royal library is part of our system. i can request any materials from there that i want to be delivered here.”

a pause. the dark lord had not considered this. “well, maybe i’ll take the royal library out of the system.”

“you wouldn’t dare disrupt the workings of our very intricate library system set up at the dawn of time.”

“maybe i would!”


“fine. i wouldn’t.”

the librarian swiveled some more, wrapping the cord around with them until it ran out of give and spun them in the other direction. “would you like to grab a coffee sometime?”

“yes,” the dark lord said, voice too surprised to resemble anything in particular. “i can travel down meet you tomorrow morning.”

“don’t you have things to do?”

they could sense the shrug from the other end of the line. “i’ll move the capital to your town. i can do that, you know. i’m the supreme ruler of the tri-kingdom area.”

“yes,” the librarian agreed, un-spinning to return the phone to its cradle. “just don’t forget who gave you the library card.”

"The Types Based on my Experience" - an ENFP

- Has too many extra curricular
- Low- key brags about achievements
- Will and won’t hesitate to roast someone.
- They type of person to read during lunch
- Books.
- Just a little bit clingy, but in the best way
- “Let me sleep— I only slept an hour last night.”

- Talks to them-self sometimes
- Likes to make random google searchers
- Master at BSing
- Why do they know so much about obscure concepts and theories?
- My random facts buddy
- “Have you heard of cerebropathy?”

- Tries to control me (for the greater good I guess)
- Great at logic puzzles
- If there was an apocalypse— I would want to paired with them.
- Seems like they got their life together
- A bit of a neat freak
- Will not deal with your shit, but will still help you?
- “I need more coffee to deal with all of you people.”

- Is super intimidating at first glance
- Secretly a softy
- will not hesitate to start a debate
- loves politics
- If you tell them a fact they ask where you got it
- Likes to read Edgar Allen Poe and romance novels
- “ Are you sure? Where did you read that?”

- Nice friend
- Poker face
- Everyone thinks that they have chill
- has no chill
- Loves cats and babies
- Great listener
- Has too many feelings and bottles them up

- Easily flustered
- Will hate you and you will never know
- Once you know them— they’ll argue with you about their opinions.
- Anime nerd
- Wears over-sized glasses
- Gestures a lot when talking
- Roasts me about everything
- Has an unhealthy obsession for cats
- Self deprecation 101
- “ I don’t know what your tal- *gestures and hits someone with arm*- OMG!!! I am so sorry.”

- Identity crisis all day everyday
- Likes to do power poses
- Will do random acts of kindness
- Knits
- Soft
- Really imaginative
- Will do stupid stuff to make a sad friend happy again
- You can’t not like them
- “A toast to spongebob and Bob Marley.”

ENFP (not me— another ENFP)
- Loves to art
- Procrastinates kinda(?). It just takes them a long time to do their work
- Is very smol
- Low-key manipulative
- Great at fake accents
- Has the voice of an angel
- Awesome dancer
- “ Oh look, it’s a birb. *makes chicken noises*”

- Is in all my advanced classes
- Gets annoyed with me really easily
- Likes to bake
- Has ten sources to back up one fact
- Will binge watch Crash Course
- Secretly loves bird memes
- Determined
- “Baking is a science. It isn’t just measuring and mixing— it’s watching the chemical re- *rants about for ten minutes*”

- Literally a cinnamon roll
- Are too caring
- Seriously they are going to get hurt one day
- Mom friend
- When they get mad everyone freaks out
- Will fight you if you hurt their loved one
- “Are you okay? Do you need a band- aid? I have a first aid kit in my backpack.”

- Law and order
- Is practically the teacher
- Strong moral base
- Does not tolerate lying
- Can see your soul
- Loves dark chocolate and hot chocolate
- Eats the same thing for lunch everyday
- Will lay down the law
- “I just told them to kindly leave me alone because their fake personalities were annoying me.”

- Will appear out of no-where
- Social Butterfly
- EVERYONE knows them
- Loves to sing, but is sadly tone deaf
- Can do really intricate pranks and succeed
- Teachers pet, but not nerdy in any way
- “Hi! My name’s ESTJ. What’s your weight— I mean, name?”

- Loves workshop
- Is great at video games
- Everyone thinks they listen to punk rock, but they actually listen to Country music
- Can be bossy
- Likes to wear flannel
- Is really chill
- “I had one job, to finish my homework. Did I do it? Nope.”

- Can’t art
- Can write like there is not tomorrow
- Can also play piano really well, but they never took lessons
- Have eyes filled with wonder
- Great at makeup
- Has good fashion sense
- Thinks shoes are a social construct.
- They have a bucket list written
- Has great stories
- “I once went to an upscale hotel and hijacked the penthouse level with my friends.”

- Loves to play pranks and do stupid stuff
- Is flexible af
- Laughs weirdly
- Has the best ideas
- Smart, but really lazy
- p r o c r a s t i n a t i o n
- “Move I’m gay.”

- Acts like they had five cups of coffee
- Really likes unicorns
- Is a theatre kid
- Wait for it…. they never stop quoting Hamilton
- Great at lying
- Really, really funny
- Loves everything smol
- Everyone loves them
- “Bill Nye the science guy– history has its eyeesss ON YOOOOUUUUUU.”

Ultimate passing tips list for pre-t transguys (and some other tips too)

Yes passing is a social construct yada yada yada but if you want some tips to look like a average joe cis male and pass for say bathroom situations or in public this is for you. I know you can wear whatever you want and do whatever you want but these things can help you pass if that’s what you want. This is info I’ve gathered over the years and stuff I’ve learnt myself too so i thought i’d put them in one place. 

This stuff works for me, i pass all the time basically even if i am perceived as a younger guy that’s fine by me.

its pretty lengthy so the topics are facial hair, hair, jaw, voice, height, hips, packing, binding, swimming, working out, foods, body language, clothes and bathrooms.

FACIAL HAIR: shave your peach fuzz coz guys don’t have peach fuzz or…

you can make it pass for male facial hair by growing it as much as you can as a moustache and shaving the rest. You could even leave a lil at the sideburns. Once you’ve done that grab a makeup powder a bit darker than your skin tone and lightly brush on the areas with hair to darken it and tada you have facial hair. You could dye it but i’m not sure how well that would work. 

I’ve also heard coconut oil is good for facial hair growth. If you want to give that a try get a bit and slather it on wear you want the hair and massage it in and leave it. 

Coconut oil is a good moisturiser and can act as a shaving ‘cream’ and aftershave too. 

Also shaving to make hair grow thicker and darker is bs. 

You can ghost in the areas where facial hair would be with makeup too but it may look less natural. 

And keep eyebrows more natural just focus on the middle. You can darken them the same as your facial hair as men have darker, thicker eyebrows generally.  

HAIR: going tight on the sides can make your head look more square therefore more masculine. 

 Also keep it messy, women generally have smooth, brushed through looking hair. Get some clay or wax or whatever works for your hair type and texture and rub it in your hands till there’s no clumps. Then work it into ALL of your hair, just go crazy. 

 Also square off that sideburny bit don’t keep it pointy. 

Body hair is good to keep too coz most guys have a crap ton of it (leg hair, armpit hair) 

JAW: you can clench your jaw to make it more rigid and square. 

Also chewing gum more often to make you jaw muscles stronger can improve your jawline. 

Try out contouring if you want to (I understand if you don’t) 

VOICE: I’ve seen some exercises online like humming as low as you can for 30 seconds a few times a day; stretching your neck; stretching your neck while humming; singing male parts in songs; speaking more slowly and controlled; speaking from your chest or abdomen. One or a combination or these might work for you just give them a try. 

HEIGHT: there are short cis guys so don’t worry too much.

You can wear shoes with thick heels or wear inserts. I’m not sure about any other height tips as i don’t worry about my height.

HIPS: if you have a lot of weight around your hips that isn’t bone wear mid or high rise jeans and put them over that area with a belt on so you can cinch down the fat a lil bit. This could be dangerous so don’t do it too often or too tight.

Ty turner said boardshorts are good too because of the wide waistband so give that a try in the summer too.

PACKING: honestly packing isn’t a passing thing most people don’t pay attention to it but you can if you want to.

A sock in your briefs or boxers is good enough but there are packers and stps (stand to pee devices) you can buy too.

Tight briefs, a harness or a diy harness is best for packing.

To make a diy harness use a waistband from some underwear and either put a hole in them for the shaft to go through or you can attach a o ring or something similar to the waistband which will last longer.

If you have a freetom i made a harness out of womens underwear and a hair tie and it works really well. Just chop a hole in the front and sew the hair tie on as an o ring and tada!! 

I also did a review of that freetom (the sleek 2 in 1) that you can watch by clicking here, it is a lil long though. 

BINDING: DO NOT USE ACE BANDAGES OR WRAP ANYTHING ALL THE WAY AROUND YOUR BODY. Its extremely dangerous and you could break ribs and puncture organs.

Only bind with binders from trusted brands. A few that are well known are gc2b, underworks and flavnts bareskin binder. Ive used the gc2b binder and i can definitely recommend it it is extremely comfortable and the material is great.

To avoid the moob when you put on your binder put your hand under the bottom and push them either to the side or down. If you have a smaller chest you could go up but just fiddle around till it looks the best you can get it.

You can try kt tape but only use in small amounts. From over your nipple to your armpit with only a few pieces. This method can effect skin elasticity and cause irritation. Do not use more tape than what was just recommended as you don’t want to constrict yourself.

Also sports bras are good if you can’t buy a binder or it isn’t safe to. Wear one backwards or wear two (one forwards and one backwards) if wearing one normally doesn’t do the trick.

Layers and thick jumpers and jackets can hide your chest too.

Do not buy cheap ones on ebay.

Only bind up to 8 hours and try not to exceed that. If you have to bind for longer take regular breaks but 10 hours is the absolute max.

Don’t sleep in one either as you breath differently when you sleep and you need some time to breath if you wear it everyday.

Don’t buy one smaller than your size this can can serious problems. Your size will work very well and getting a smaller size doesn’t mean it will flatten you more. Most guys have pecs anyway so a lil bump is okay.

SWIMMING: again boardshorts with a wide waistband are great but also rashies (bather material t-shirts basically) are good too. 

If you wear a sports bra (fowards or backwards. Probably don’t try wearing two as that would be constricting) or a bareskin binder you can wear an over sized rashie over the top to hide some curves (when it isnt clinging to your body) and also hide the binder or sports bra. 

A wetsuit with a rashie also works well. 

No one will question you wearing a rashie but if they do just say its to protect from uv rays. 

You can also try binding with kt tape/sports tape with a rashie. 

WORKING OUT: strength/weight training your upper body can help make your shoulders look bigger and more masculine. Doing exercises regularly (a few times a week) for muscles like the triceps, biceps, chest and lats is a good start.

Have lots of protein to help build muscle.

Also shedding some weight can help with curves as well as help get rid of a baby face.

Working out also boosts testosterone.

•FOODS: there are natural testosterone boosting and estrogen blocking foods you can try. These are some i found but there are others. 

Some boosters are tuna, egg yolks, oysters, shellfish, garlic, coconut, beef and beans.

Some estrogen blockers are kale, cauliflower, broccoli, mushrooms, whole grains, pomegranates, grapes, olive oil, spinach, onions and citrus.

BODY LANGUAGE: be confident. This is very important. 

Shoulders back, chest out. 

Walk with a slightly wider stance (coz most guys have some junk down there ya know so just imagine that or buy a packer to help with that) and also sitting down with your legs slightly apart (coz again junk down there). 

Try not to talk with your hands too much but if you do, do it less with your wrists and maybe more slowly and with your whole arm. 

Hands in pockets is also a masculine mannerism.

CLOTHES: wear masculine (or androgynous) clothes that are a lil oversized. T-shirts that are wider in the torso and longer are best. Tops with a standard neck opening are better than wide neck openings too as it makes your neck look thicker. 

Rolling up sleeves is a good idea too coz if you have a big shirt the sleeves are going to look a bit funky. Sleeves that are fitted on your arms and show your mid upper arm give the illusion of bigger arms therefore more muscular arms. To tighten them and shorten them just roll them up a few times. This won’t look weird or suspicious either coz it’s a trend that’s happening anyway. 

Patterns, dark clothes and layers are good for hiding your chest and curves too. 

Muscle tank tops are good in general so wear them. 

In terms of accessories a watch is great and maybe a leather or wood bead bracelet or a plain ring. Keep it minimal. 

BATHROOM: in and out just do what you’ve gotta do. Don’t look around and chat or whatever. 

Keep your head down if you’re worried you don’t pass enough. 

vernon; the boy next door (m)

genre/warnings: fluff/romance/smut, flangst, adorkableness, use of non-penetrative sex toys, (not so) dry humping

word count:  14737

feat: Hansol Vernon Chwe/Original Female, Joshua, Jeonghan + various 

prompts: roommate!Vernon, silliness, cuddles, mac n’cheese = love 

(a/n) my birthday project for my muse. thank you for everything vern:) and kisses for @vernkn​ who gifed my soft sweater vernon aesthetic. enjoy!

She loved Joshua Hong.

When she was so graciously offered to live in her aunt’s vacation penthouse close to her university of choice, the only catch was that she had to pay some of the bills. Completely fair, because it was a kind enough gesture to give away a freshly furnished space to a niece you barely talked to. Luckily, there was enough room for another guest, enough to split the rent.

So in comes the savior of her life, brother from another mother, Joshua Hong, decked out in sandy beige Sperry’s and ironed white jeans. Fresh from South California, he wore their sunshine on his smile, and their attitude in his Cheshire eyes. He was attending the same university as well, and was conveniently looking for a means to stay. Needless to say, she pounced on him at orientation before he could ask anyone else.

Keep reading

The Towel Story

Originally posted by awwsehun

Member: Exo Sehun

Type: Fluff/Smut

“The only way I will ever sit in his car is if I’m using it to run him over,” you snapped, pushing Kyungsoo’s hand off your shoulder and picking up your suitcase, wincing at the weight before starting down the stairs. Maybe you had over packed, but you didn’t want to risk running out of clothes, especially in a place so secluded.

Keep reading

The Types and Drinking Water

ENFP: Drinks from the toilet. It wasn’t even a dare or anything; they just wanted to know what it tasted like.

ENTP: “h20? More like h2-YO! Hahaha drink your water kids.”

INFP: Misses their entire mouth. Their over-sized sweater is utterly soaked, almost as if their nipples are tiny water falls. Shocked at this sudden development, they drop the glass and it shatters, covering the kitchen floor. Trying to tiptoe to safety, they carelessly slip on the water and onto the broken glass, nearly bleeding to death. As soon as they get discharged from the hospital they’re applying for an infomercial.

ESFP: Sticks their face right under the tap and desperately laps up the water like some kind of deranged and unsettlingly large house cat.

INTJ: * sips water* “ Disgusting. Tastes like licking a car. And you know why? The water we drink contains small traces of iron, zinc, copper, manganese and other metals. And you know who’s fault that is? Our inCOMPETENT GOVERNMENT.  THEY NEED TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND GET THEIR SH** TOGETHER. THEY’VE BEEN LYING TO US AS A NATION FROM THE BEGINNING OF TIME AND IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE. 

See more of my conspiracy theories on my tumblr blog @anti-feminism-pro-atheism ( the one with red and black theme and the Rainbow Dash icon).”

ISFJ: Has been refusing offers of a glass of water from their friend’s parent for 10 hours now and they’re really reaching their limit. Will probably resolve to drinking their pee Bear Grylls style.

ESTP: Kicks off the faucet, throws it through the window, screams, and lets the broken faucet drench them all the way from their flat peak cap to their $400 basketball shoes, their perfect abs showing through their wet t-shirt. Uploads it to vine.

INTP: * aggressively sips water through a Krazy Straw* SUCC  ( ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ) 

ENFJ: *Makes it into Fit Tea™* “ This flattened my stomach, cleared my skin, watered my crops, improved my grades, brought Shakespeare back from the dead, got my parents back together, stopped war, solved poverty, and it tastes like Shrek in drink form GREAT. A discount code is in the description, guys! :D.”

ENTJ: Drinks the tears of all those ignorant fools they destroyed in the Spelling Bee last week. 

ISTP: They’re probably chained to a pillar in some empty warehouse as a result of a drug scandal. The only sustenance they receive is a mug of muddy water brought to them by a man in an anonymous mask twice a day. Free them.

INFJ: “Is this vegan?”

ISFP: Drinks the morning dew off the tulips and honeysuckle. It may sound whimsical in theory, but in reality seeing grown adult desperately licking wet grass and flowers in the town park is a rather unsettling experience. 

ESFJ: “Umm, tap water? No thanks. I only drink from my $20000 ultra healing magical energy quinoa infused crystals water filter I got off an infomercial thank you very much. The lady in the commercial says tap water gives you cancer and I trust her judgement. I even have her book, “ “vaccine” and “autisms” both haave six letter. Coinsidance? I think noot.”, wanna borrow it?”       

ISTJ: * Harry Potter Puppet Pals Snape voice* Today I drank some water for my breakfast. It was flavourless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.

ESTJ: Has one of those drink bottles with times written at different levels on the side to show you how much water you should be drinking throughout the day. It gives them a feeling of superiority knowing that their life is slightly more organised than everyone else.

  • Person A: I don't see why people think [Person B] is scary? I mean look they have swearer paws. SWEATER PAWS!
  • Person C: They flipped a man twice their size over their shoulder...
  • Person A: *glances at B* That's adorable
  • Person C: *Stares at A*
  • Person A: [Person B] can flip me any day *wiggles eyebrows*
  • Person C: ಠ_ಠ


The season of flannel shirts
With the buttons undone and
The smell of pumpkin spice wafting through homes

The season of over-sized sweaters and
Leggings skin tight
With an apple pie baking in the oven
And a book held between lax fingertips

The season of crisp mornings
With leaves crunching beneath heavy boots
A scarf pinned around a bare neck
Hands shoved into large pockets

The season of chilly evenings and
Nights spent by the fireplace
Cocooned by thick blankets and
Yearning for comfort

A season of death, or perhaps, a new beginning
When the days grow shorter and
The nights grow lonelier
When the leaves stray too far from their branches.

A season of depression and
A tired mind
Searching for the motivation to wait for the light and the warmth
To return