Hovering so close to the edge of the rocky precipice that’s already crumbling beneath my feet
To the last piece of sanity that I can feel dissolving with every test I fail, every shift I work, every class I sleep through
(Because every night when I close my eyes I can feel the open mouth of my future threatening to shut and pierce me with its rows of teeth that are sharper than my fuzzy mind will ever be)
But no one seems to notice because I don’t even know if I’m opening my mouth or if the rawness in my throat is from the sobs I’m choking back in the morning when I wake
To haul my way back up the mountain my anxiety has built inside of me that is so tall I can’t even see the sky anymore
And, desperate for belonging, I put too much stock into every small interaction with everyone who *could* matter, but *shouldn’t*, and when they let me down it brings me one step closer to being truly numb
To reach the point of being as cold and hard as granite, to let the words I hear inside my brain slide right off my surface, to walk around in a state of comfortable apathy if only to keep my monsters in a chokehold so they can’t swallow me whole anymore
But it’s so damn hard when all you know how to do is care too much
we’re halfway through the semester, and I don’t know what I’m doing anymore
I found out today that the way to keep my parents’ goats from headbutting me while I close them in their pen for the night is to let them rub their heads all over my forearms as soon as I enter their enclosure (and I have to hold their horns while they do that because they get overzealous).
Goats pee on their heads so they can mark their territory.
I have to let them make me their bitch that way before they do it by force, and to add insult to injury, they feed in an area with poison ivy, so I have to scrub up with 1 soap for the oily stuff, 1 for the smell, and a poison ivy soap just in case.
I’ve been pretty sporadic with Tumblr and I feel so badly about it- I really appreciate the tags for memes and anon love notes-
There is a lot going on that I have little/no control over, and when coupled with the usual pressures of living with roommates and an animal and going to school… I just don’t have a lot to spare.
I’ll bounce back sometime around early December, when all my finals are done and I am no longer labouring under this intense anxiety that there was a mistake made somewhere and I’ll be kicked out of the country.
In the meantime, if anyone needs my attention on something specific, messages get through most of the time on my phone, where tags sometimes get lost in general notification spam.
Happy fall, folks. Be well.
Okay you mean to tell me that Flashpoint happened, his brother’s dead, his powers are increasing, but the plotline you’re giving Cisco now is ‘suspicious sidekick shenanigans’ with yet another version of Harry Wells?