New-Quality

I am delighted to find out that there’s a new quality meme in Russia, the Wizard “Fwoosh” Cat, fwoosh [вжух] being the sound effect for the magic wand waving. 

The Fwoosh Cat can do great magic in your every-day life, good and bad all at the same time.

“Fwoosh, you’ve got insomnia”

“Fwoosh, you’re adopted”

“Fwoosh, and money is gone”

“Fwoosh, you’re expelled” next to a list of expelled pupils in a university

“Fwoosh, black ice”

Obligatory money fwoosh

“Cannot fwoosh on this page”

“Fwoosh, and you can fwoosh on this page”

“If you see this image, then it’s your lucky day. You’ve been visited by The Great Wizard Cat, the wisest of all wizard cats of the wizard cat school. A curse was laid on you, and it will turn your life into a nightmare. Only the wizard cat can lift the curse and once again make your life wonderful and full of magic”

Magical

slavic languages gothic

You see a sentence written in cyrillic. Some of the letters are familiar. You see the meaning shimmering underneath the surface. You almost grasp it, but it slips away. The letters on the page mock you silently.

You know this Czech word. You’ve already learnt it in Polish. It is not the same word. It is a grave insult. Your slavic friends are shocked and embarassed for you when they hear you speak it.

There is a sentence in Croatian. There is a sentence in Serbian. There is a sentence in Bosnian. They are all the same sentence.

You have to write about your day in Slovak. You spend the night polishing the draft. You fail your assigment. It’s written in Czech. You don’t know Czech.

P is not what it seems. You have to remember that.

The Croatian sentence does not mean what the Bosnian sentence means. They both mean the same in Serbian.

That word has a diminutive. The diminutive has its own diminutive. The diminutive of the diminutive also has a diminutive. Nobody knows what the final diminutive of a word is. Some say the knowledge had been lost in centuries past and matrioshkas are the echo, the tangible warning left for us to remember. No living creature should hold the means of diminishing something into nonexistence.
Others say you may still find some of them in old soviet textbooks, if you dare to look in abandoned schools of Chernobyl.

Someone is speaking to you. Is that a he or a she? You aren’t sure. It’s an abstract concept. Why does it have gender.

You see a word in a dictionary. It has seventeen letters and only one vowel. You close the dictionary very carefully not looking at the phonetic transcription. The shape of it haunts you in your sleep. You wake up face damp with tears, a bitter taste on your tongue. The clock blinks 3:03AM. You do not dare look up that word again.

This word means the same thing in the five slavic languages you’re familiar with. You use it in the sixth one. That word does not exist in this language. It never did. There is now a word-shaped void in the fabric of this language. The natives look at you uneasily. There is a new quality to the silence and your palms start to sweat.

H is not H. H is not H. H is not H. H is not H.

One day you flip through your dictionary. A page is missing. What was the word? You can’t remember. There is pressure building at the back of your head. The clock blinks 3:03AM.

You write my name is in cyrillic. There are shadows dancing on the walls. They grow longer with each letter you write down. It is not cyrillic you’re using. You keep writing my name is. The shadows now bleed from the tip of your pen. It’s irrelevant. You need to remember the right letters.

N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not N is not… If only you could remember the letters. The letters are important. What was it, that wasn’t N?

There are nine different prefixes you can add to a verb to change its meaning. There are fifty three different suffixes you have to add to a verb to make it work. In the end the only thing left of the original is a vague shape of one of its middle consonants. You can feel the anguish radiating from the verb’s mutialted form. A desperate sob escapes through your clenched teeth. You’re so, so sorry, you didn’t meant to. You didn’t. It doesn’t matter.

You now read a text in Russian. You’ve never learnt Russian. Why are you reading that text? The words burn your eyes, the meaning searing your mind.

There’s a shot of vodka in front of you. You don’t drink alcohol. You don’t care. All existence is meaningless, your soul’s in eternal pain. A broken matrioshka lays at your feet. There is no salvation, she says boring into your eyes. You open your mouth to answer, but there is only a burst of harsh rustle. It dies in whispering echoes a moment later. Your glass is empty again.

Day One Hundred and Sixteen

-At the start of my shift, we had a team huddle to discuss store business matters. The first matter, and most important, was us all sampling the new Unicorn Frappuccino. A quality meeting, if I have ever been to one.

-An elderly woman remarked to me that it smelled like something was burning and asked if someone had burned popcorn. As a result, she spent the remainder of the transaction cackling to herself. If she thought that her joke was a funny one, I believe I may have finally found a good audience for my comedy.

-A Chubby Puppy wind-up toy was left at my register. I have named her Juniper and I love her, inability to walk in anything but a circle and all.

-In regards to the card reader before him, an older gentleman noted, “This seems like a pretty nice keyboard. I think I can solve it.” He inspires a great deal of faith in me. I think he can solve it, too.

-An older woman asked me if anything that she had purchased was on Cartwheel. I told her that I did not know off the top of my head, at which point she responded by glaring at me threateningly and telling me that I looked smart, so I had better be sure and I had better be right. Luckily, I know very few things in life, so it is more than likely that Cartwheel offers fall into this category.

-A couple bantered over how much they had each spent. The woman, having bought the most, said, “It makes sense, you are cheaper than me.” After a moment, the man replied, “I’m trying to think of something to say, but you drove and you’re paying.” Not since Machiavelli has one held all of the cards so masterfully.

-A sweet grandfatherly man, sporting a pinstripe shirt that seemed to have been with him as long as his timeless smile, came through holding a purple and yellow rubber ball. He asked me if I thought it would be good for four square before pausing for a moment and asking me if I knew what four square is. Overjoyed when I said yes, he told me of his plans to teach the neighborhood kids and help them be more active. He then said that he was going to go let his friends know that the ball would work. I later saw him with a pair of women, each as happy and smiling as himself. This man knows all that one needs in life, and I hope to one day learn from him.

-A young girl noted Juniper by my register and asked if she could pet her. I naturally said yes, as long as she was careful. Gently cupping the pup in her hands, she complimented me on how soft my plastic friend was.

Lie to me? Steal my work? Have fun going from 52K a year to minimum wages.

(warning: long story)

Takes place back in 2014, long read with a lot of buildup to revenge. I was about a year into my job and was being recognized for my talents and promoted pretty regularly. I was constantly being used as the liaison between my company and the client companies we had business and contracts with, and literally have saved our contract companies hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Then I was approached by Amy, who was in another department, for a job opportunity in the next month or so. She was going out on medical leave and was going to train me to take over her position in the interim and then fully take it over once she came back and moved into a new role. I was ecstatic because I knew she had a salary position and that’s what I really wanted. Most of the salaried positions in the company were the kind you had direct reports and in my industry there is a lot of stupid and handholding so I was not looking forward to have to deal with that stuff, but here was this angel offering me the salary I wanted and the stepping stone I wanted to get further in the company, all without having to deal with stupidity on a daily basis! So for the next 3 weeks I’m pulled from my current duties about twice a week to train in her position. In the beginning it was really menial stuff to get aquatinted with her department but then we started getting into the bigger Excel stuff. Now her job was 90% Excel based, but in having her teach me her job and the duties and deadlines for certain things I realized she was basically flying by with basic Excel knowledge (I’m taking formulas to do math and VLOOKUPs were the majority of what she used in EVERYTHING). Now I was really okay with it and knew I could bring a lot more to the position with my knowledge and really help out the management team and showcase my expertise to them.

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A C H I L L E S, it reads. and beside it, P A T R O C L U S.
“go,” she says. “he waits for you.”

@allisonreynoldsbirthday surprise ♡ part i — HAPPY BIRTHDAY FEK WHITE DADDY MAI ILU ;)