Thoughts of a Hockey Penalty Box Attendant

  • ‘Get a job in the NHL they said, it’ll be fun they said, fuckin’ lied though didn’t they.’
  • 'Here comes our first prisone–I mean player.’
  • 'Why do you guys have to hit the glass with your sticks? Why? You could poke an eye out.’
  • 'Oh no, no no no, not the camera– damnit, we just got a new one.’
  • 'How many times is this guy gonna get a penalty.’
  • 'Oh great, here comes another one. Joy.’
  • 'Okay guys, I’m running out of roo- okay honestly, I have no where to sit now.’
  • 'Ew, I just stepped in some sort of bodily fluid.’
  • 'Just once I’d like to see a fan come in the box circa Tie Domi. Just once.’
  • 'It’s a good thing there’s no hot mics in here. A sailor would blush after hearing some of this shit.’
  • 'Can–can you not try to continue the fight while in the pout palace? You’re basically in a glass case of emotion and no one can hear you but me.’
  • 'I will either go deaf from players yelling or fans. Probs both.’
  • 'I am the keeper of the bad children and I alone can release them from their prison.’

The benches in hockey dressing rooms are built so that your feet rest on the floor with your skates on which means that there are pictures of Large Professional Athletes with sock feet dangling off of the bench and I think that is a beautiful thing.


If only there was an international event that NHL players wanted to go to.

Originally posted by nansgifs

Hockey Returns vol. 100.  Excited!

NHL Coach Lingo

  • “Day-to-day” = damnit man, I’m a coach not a doctor.
  • “Lower body injury” = could be a toe, could be a knee, could be the groin, could be diarrhea.
  • “We’re not worried” = we’re losing but I can’t very well say ‘we’re boned’ on TV.
  • When asked how they plan on scoring: “uh, you know, we’re just gonna hockey harder than the other team and hope hockey happens. We can play hockey but we need to play hockier hockey.”
  • “We lost because we didn’t score” = I’m literally only here so I won’t get fined.
  • “We lost but there’s another game so we just have to play” = boys are bag skating tomorrow, nothing but bag skating.
  • After getting interviewed by Pierre McGuire: “I would love to stuff that mic up your nose.”
  • “We just need to bring our A game” = I’m literally just gonna be praying to the hockey God’s the whole game.

*takes off hockey jersey to reveal hockey shirsey*


New Jerseys being released this month

Main rivals of each NHL team

Metropolitan Division
Hurricanes - the inability to get over Eric Staal (please punch somebody)
Blue Jackets - Penguins
Devils - Rangers
Islanders - Rangers
Rangers - Devils
Flyers - Penguins
Penguins - Flyers
Capitals - Penguins
note: everyone will fight the Penguins

Atlantic Division
Bruins - Canadiens
Sabres - Maple Leafs
Red Wings - Avalanche (will fight the Lightning, Blackhawks, Leafs)
Panthers - Lightning
Canadiens - Bruins
Senators - Maple Leafs
Lightning - Panthers (will fight the Pens)
Maple Leafs - Canadiens

Central Division
Blackhawks - Blues (will fight the Red Wings)
Avalanche - Red Wings (will fight the Blackhawks)
Stars - no one can decide on a rival so they’re invalid
Wild - Blackhawks (will fight the Jets)
Predators - Blackhawks (beef with the Blues) (will fight Sidney Crosby)
Blues - Blackhawks (beef with the Predators) (will fight Sidney Crosby)
Jets - Wild
note: everyone will fight the Blackhawks

Pacific Division
Ducks - Kings
Coyotes - Golden Knights (will fight the Kings)
Flames - Oilers
Oilers - Flames
Kings - Ducks
Sharks - Kings
Canucks - Flames (will fight the Bruins)
Golden Knights - Coyotes

After painstaking research, I’ve put together a comprehensive list to the best of my knowledge. Let me know if I’m completely off-base on anything.