Narcotics Anonymous

Tomorrow, I will be 2 weeks sober.  I haven’t gone this long since probably my junior year in high school.  Even though my addiction to intravenous heroin is fairly new, its always been something with me.  It started off with Xanax and K-pins, then to that mixture I added adderall, vicodin and valium and lorezepam, then as I began to experiment with drugs I realized that anti depressants/anti anxiety medication wasn’t my favorite anymore.  I started my opiate addiction with 5mg percs, then I began snorting them and upped my dose little by little.  Then I went to college and began smoking 30′s and popping xanax and adderall on the regular.  Then I revisited an old friend of mine, heroin.  I had tried it in high school once, and it gave me such a good feeling I was afraid to use it again.  I had only snorted it in high school and when I began using it again in college I promised myself I would only snort it (or sometimes smoke it) and that I would NEVER shoot it… But then smoking 3 30′s made me feel only a little bit okay, and snorting a couple bags only barely took the pain away.. then I shot it once just to try it and then…. Now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life and put them back together.  I screwed up my entire freshman year of college, lost all of my ambition, almost died twice, lost 35 pounds, turned into a zombie, I lost all of my feelings for people who cared about me, I stopped eating because everything I ate would end up getting thrown up anyway.. the heroin put me in so many bad situations too… I was almost raped in an alley, ive been robbed numerous times and by people I thought were my “friends”.  I started becoming shady myself.  To keep up with my habits I had to middleman dope and I would upcharge junkies that I knew would pay the price..  I helped my dealer rob another dealer… we stole 10 bricks and I accepted only 2 and a half bricks for helping.. which is still a lot of dope but still.. I did most of the work and settling for less than half was okay to me.. thats not right?  I didn’t even think twice about it.  Once I got my cut I sold about 2 grams and the rest went into my veins eventually… I held onto my stash like it was my prized possession.. I kept that much heroin in my dorm room!  What the fuck was I thinking???  Then a week before the end of the semester I realized that I had to go home and see my parents and I looked in the mirror and just started balling because I knew they would know… I mean how could they not?  I was pale as a ghost, had the biggest dark circles, my arms were COVERED in track marks and they’re still not healed, I was weak, skinny, my hair had become thin, I just looked like I had no life left in me.  When I first tried heroin I thought I was going to do it on the side just to keep myself happy and comfortable and for a while I did, I somehow kept a balance, but without even realizing it, I mean it just snuck up on me.. I let myself go.  I drowned in my sorrows and let my lack of self esteem take me away and I became the one thing I said I never would be.  Ever since I was 12, when I first started smoking weed I was always told that my actions were a gateway to horrible things.  Of course I would laugh and say “pshhh Im okay!  I would never do heroin thats stupid!” and “Crack? wtf why would I do that?”  Then the next thing I knew I was sitting in a basement with a group of junkies shooting up half a gram of heroin just so that I could go to the atm to pull out money for more dope.  I needed that much to get off the couch… and before I left my friend passed me the pipe and said “while youre out grab some foil.”


Addiction is real.  Its not something anyone wishes for or tries to acquire.  It can sneak up on you and take over you real quick and before you realize it has you, you’ll have no money, no good people left in your life, and you’ll NEVER notice how much you changed as a person.  I gave up my potential and dreams to escape through a temporary buzz.  Growing up I had always surrounded myself with the wrong people and usually it would bite me in the ass and I would learn my lesson but damn i was convinced that heroin was my best friend…. I mean when I met heroin it was love at first sight..I had experimented with many drugs and I had never come across one that made me feel so good.  I thought Perc 30′s were my one true love but the high had nothing on the high I got from shooting heroin.  The step from 30′s to heroin was the biggest leap I ever made.  It was like I jumped off a bridge.  30′s took all of my money and turned me into a hard opiate addict but they never almost killed me or put me in bad situations.. I mean I was so high on heroin going out to pick up whippits that I almost got raped in an alley and I didn’t have the energy to defend myself, thank god someone just happened to be walking that way and the guy got up and ran.. The experience destroyed me and I went to my friends house that night and shot 6 bags of dope and fell out and almost died. By then that was my second experience with falling out.  My first time was from accidentally smoking too much heroin that turned out to be fentanyl.  When I almost died the second time, I woke up and I didn’t care… I smoked a little crack and woke up and shot another couple bags…. thinking about it now I can’t believe it.. I just can’t… my daily life was: wake up, snort a couple bags, go to class, eat a snack, shoot in the bathroom before my next class (if i didn’t have enough I would skip and go out and find enough), throw up (usually happened randomly throughout the day), go to class and nod out and embarrass myself because I looked like such a junkie sitting there barely conscious, do a bit of homework, make moves to score some dope, shoot up my first big score, go to my dealers house (she wanted to bang me so she usually gave me a couple bags for free), shoot that and chill for a bit, smoke some weed, smoke some crack, maybe pop a xanax bar, go on rides with my dealer and all along the way snort bags off the back of my phone, eat something, throw that up, stumble to my friend’s house where me and my 2 “bestfriends” would spend our time smoking stupid amounts of weed, smoking 30′s, shooting smoking and snorting dope, and from there I would middleman more dope for my dealer and I would just shoot my profits all night and then eventually pass out just to wake up the next day and start all over.  Weekends were the worst… I would pull all nighters and just get high constantly and I thought that was normal… I mean everyone else was out drinking and partying so same thing right?  I lost all common sense.  This junkie lifestyle became normal to me.  It became all I knew and all I wanted.  I cut out friends that were actually positive and had their shit together.  Then I would cry and wonder why I was so lonely.  By doing drugs, I only made myself physically feel better but only temporarily and I spent the rest of my time either thinking about drugs or I was trying to get more drugs.  Drugs never fixed any of my problems like I thought they did.  I thought I was “self medicating”.  I thought I was helping myself.  All I did was make my life worse and I almost killed myself and not even on purpose!


So if any of you out there are struggling with addiction and you feel like you have no one to talk to, no one to talk to that will understand or won’t judge you, please feel free to message me.  I needed someone to talk to through all of that and I had no one.  I couldn’t even talk to my old friends because I was embarrassed of my habits and I knew they wouldn’t understand anyway.  


I’m an addict too and I’m trying to fix myself.  I haven’t made it that far yet but I’m trying and I’m willing to talk to anyone who needs it so please don’t hesitate! I’m right here with you and we can get through this together! One step at a time.

still

you can be an atheist or agnostic and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be queer and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be trans and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be a feminist and still attend 12-step meetings. you can have anti-oppressive and intersectional based politics and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be an anarchist or a socialist and still attend 12-step meetings. you can still be a critical thinker or a social justice activist and still attend 12-step meetings.  you can practice decolonization and still attend 12-step meetings. you can still support other substance users that value harm-reduction over abstinence and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be support sex workers and still attend 12-step meetings. you can support survivors of violence and still attend 12-step meetings. you can have different experiences with mental health and still attend 12-step meetings. you can be a black, native, mixed, a person of colour and still attend 12-step meetings. we can create safe spaces and still make 12-step meetings.

i share this to offer hope to anyone that thinks they have to give up any of these values or give up any parts of themselves. i share this because i value these principles and honour the person i am and still attend 12-step meetings. i am doing this, i am living this, i am an addict in recovery from addiction and still attending 12-step meetings.

Here’s the thing: 

Do addicts have to take personal responsibility for their choices and actions? 100% yes. Absolutely. They do have some control over whether or not they get better. 

But if you are to the point where you are drinking or using so much that your work, home life, finances, relationships, well-being, and health are being put in jeopardy, I think it’s pretty safe to assume that it’s not a simple matter of “choice” here.

Normal people who use “normally” would and could easily stop once negative consequences occur. A lightbulb would go off and they would think, “Hey, maybe I shouldn’t do that!”

But when you are sitting there with urine on yourself, sleeping on your driveway without knowing how you got there, spending your rent on alcohol, isolating yourself from your family because you’d rather use, drinking despite getting multiple DUIs, using even though you know it’s not going to make things better in the long-run, you really should ask yourself why you keep making such stupid decisions if it’s a matter of choice. Why would a normal, sane person keep using if the end result was so shitty? 

Hm, maybe because it’s more than just choosing to start or stop? Maybe the illness is not necessarily your drug intake but the roots beneath why you are using in the first place? Maybe because as much as you try to convince yourself you are “choosing” to live that way – maybe somehow you deserve it, or because you just don’t care, or because you’d rather enjoy the temporary benefits of using despite the long-term costs, or maybe because you don’t have the willingness to change things despite, deep down, knowing you should – your denial that you are sick is what is going to keep you sick. A different, more positive life is too scary for you. Ask yourself why that is. 

Just For Today

JUST FOR TODAY my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I will try to follow it to the best of my ability.

JUST FOR TODAY, through NA, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. My thoughts will be on my new associations, people who are not using and who have found a new way of life. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear.