the most disastrous of weddings

[modern au]

-The wedding was in Los Angeles, and most of their friends lived in/around New York. Clint and Natasha’s plane was an hour delayed, Thor’s plane was two hours delayed, and Rhodey, the best man himself, couldn’t even get there until literally two minutes before the ceremony started.

-At least seven of Tony’s ex-one-night-stands decided to gatecrash. One underwear model even got up during dinner and made a very drunken speech about how lucky Pepper was to get to sleep with Tony regularly now.

-The wedding was secular (which pissed off Pepper’s Jewish relatives), had a ridiculously long guest list (which pissed off Pepper), and was held in an obnoxiously fancy hotel (which pissed off Steve right before he subjected everyone around him to a very long rant about capitalism).

-Pepper’s parents got into a huge fight with Howard Stark about him and his son not honoring their own Jewish roots. Maria Stark got very drunk after that and fell into the hotel fountain.

-Steve and Bucky, fresh from their own honeymoon, spent half the reception having sex in the coat closet and the whole wedding being “so disgustingly adorable they make me feel bad about my love life, and I’m the groom for god’s sake” (Tony’s words).

-Tony’s teenage son Jonas (aka Vision) decided to bring along his girlfriend Wanda and her twin brother Pietro. Wanda swiped half the drinks off the dinner table before the guests could, and ended up getting as shitfaced as only a sixteen-year-old novice drinker could. Meanwhile, Pietro got bored ten minutes into the wedding and slipped away to a comics store a block away from the hotel. Nobody missed him until after the reception.

-Pepper was never Bridezilla. Tony was Bridezilla. Complete control freak. Everything had to be perfect for his bride, everything had to match (“Rogers, can you tell the difference between eggshell and ecru?”), everything had to be over-the-top expensive, and he kept freaking out if anything went wrong. Which then, of course, led to Pepper freaking out too and everyone in the vicinity getting a headache.

-Thor made the huge mistake of bringing along his younger brother “for fun.”

-Loki, of course, thought it would be funny to start several ridiculous rumors about Tony’s friends (ranging from “Natasha kills every man she sleeps with” to “Steve is secretly a neo-Nazi”). 

-And then he thought it would be funny to sneak weed into the wedding cake, tease the seams of Pepper’s dress with a razor blade, and slip a positive pregnancy test (along with a note “from Pepper”) into Tony’s suitcase. Maria Hill caught him at the first and last prank, but poor Pepper unknowingly came very close to suffering a wardrobe malfunction every time she took a deep breath.

-It rained all weekend; and the day of the wedding itself, there was a massive thunderstorm. Half the guests got their outfits soaked.

-Sharon, who’d recently broken her ankle in martial arts class, ended up twisting it again during dance rehearsals. So Howard, who wanted to avoid a trip to the ER, gave her enough (possibly illegal) painkillers to stun an elephant; and poor Sharon stayed high as a kite for the whole wedding. She gave everyone ship names. Literally everyone.

-(“Pepperony…hehe, that’s funny; you’re a pizza topping; though I don’t think you’re very tasty, Tony…Nint? Or Clintasha? Maybe Rortan, but that sounds like rotten, and Nat’s too tasty-looking to be rotten…Starbucks? Barnes and Noble? Buck Rogers? American Booty/American Psycho? Stucky sounds like what you guys are like to each other after you have sex…” “Well, it’s not like she’s wrong, Steve,” Bucky said to his embarrassed husband.)

-During the hora, Thor, who was carrying Pepper’s chair, tripped and dropped the chair on his foot. He ended up in the ER (despite Howard’s efforts otherwise) for breaking three toes, and all the guests learned about fifty new swears in Norwegian.

-Sam, who was supposed to be the adult here, spent the whole wedding indulging his weaknesses for vodka martinis, mini desserts, and handsome men. Said handsome man being the rich and gorgeous T'Challa, who Sam managed to hook up with halfway through the reception. So that left everyone else on their own.

-One of Tony’s older cousins hit on Natasha all through the ceremony and even tried to grope her when Clint wasn’t looking. The man was later found unconscious and face-down in the hotel gardens with half a stiletto shoved up his asshole.

-Pepper’s grandma complained all throughout dinner about everything, including but not limited to a) the fact that the dinner wasn’t kosher, b) Tony, c) Tony’s ex-one-night-stands, d) Tony, e) Steve and Bucky’s “homosexual shenanigans,”, and f) Tony. 

-Once Steve and Bucky found out about her complaints, Bucky walked to the other side of the table, crawled into Steve’s lap, and got thoroughly groped right there at the dinner table; much to the glee of their friends and the horror of the other guests.

-Bruce lost his BPD medication and the rings during the vows; so they had to stop the wedding, calm a very agitated Bruce, and argue for almost fifteen minutes about where the rings had gone before Clint found them via stepping on Bruce’s medication case. Poor Clint only got slugged in the ribs for his troubles.

-No fewer than ten Potts’ accused Tony of only marrying Pepper because she was pregnant (even though she wasn’t). Steve overheard and immediately decided to congratulate the couple on their (fake) baby. Loudly. In front of everyone.

-The DJ canceled last-minute, and so they had to rely on Bucky’s iTunes account for the ceremony and the reception. Unfortunately, Bucky’s taste in music did not coincide with Tony’s at all, and so the two of them got in a fight about it in the middle of everyone else dancing the hora to Selena Gomez and Carly Rae Jepsen. 

-Rhodey, Steve, Natasha, and Maria Hill all gave toasts. All of which were less congratulatory and more “we now have an excuse to poke fun at Tony." 

-Steve passively-aggressively recalled all the times he got made fun of for wanting love and marriage. 

-Rhodey used the phrase "Tony Stank” no fewer than five times and kept giggling to himself afterwards. 

-Natasha got into a memory of when she temp-ed as Pepper’s assistant and kept getting hit on (“You’ve both come so far since then. Now Pepper’s CEO, and Tony’s in the same job as he was, but can occasionally keep it in his pants thanks to her”). 

-Maria’s speech was limited to three lines: “So you’re married now. Good for you, Stark. Potts, you could’ve done better.”

16 days until GM New Years
That’s only 384 hours
23,040 minutes
1,382,400 seconds
And you wasted about 10 of them reading this
So really only 1,382,390 seconds
Let me waste some more for you

Cheese soufflé

Here are some nicknames
Bucky mc boing boing
Ranger Rick
Ranger Roy
Moral compass
Hee haw
Plus bonus: blonde beauty
Also short stack of pancakes

Quote time!!
*forgets how to speak*
I’m sorry I’m just scared of speaking in front of people

*clears throat*
Sorry ma'am
*mayas shudder*

I would like you to call me mad dog
You don’t seem like a mad dog to me
Well what do I seem like to you *in the way he says it, where his voice goes all high during ‘seem like’*
You know that lamb that Mary had?
I don’t like where this is going

The blonde beauty
Lucas talks about himself that way?
He was talking about you
Oh. *pause* OH?

I want Maya to be happy

Quit staring at us huckleberry
I’m sorry Maya
You look… good
*we all know that’s why he stares at her in class then*

Well what if I asked the other one out?
Then I get the first, duh!
Are you going to ask one of them out?
Maybe. Someday

Hey other one
Wanna go out with me? Do you want to go to the movies, put our hands in the popcorn…

He’s not going out with me, he’s never going out with me!! *desperately*

Hi, I’m Maya. You’re cute, we should hang out sometime. You make me hAppy!! You don’t pay enough attention to me. This isn’t working. It’s you, not me. We can still be friends!! Not really.



Don’t you think that if I had feelings for you I’d just come right out and say it? Well I don’t so what I do say is hahurr–

Why did you do that.
I don’t know, I just wanted you to stop!!

Really huckleberry you wanna play with me right now?

Why do you let him?

He’s under my protection. You wanna tangle with me?
Not yet.

Something ending in 'with you who I will deal with later’ *i’m sorry I forgot but I’m tired okay* from GM mr squirrels

Of course I like you. You’re a good guy.

Hart n friar muffins.

Pappy joe

Well he’s lookin at you now.

*kicks Lucas’s butt* Me now!!
You have every right.

I’m taking you out.
You’re not my type.

You wanna see a rope trick?

*maya jumps on Lucas’s back* And would ya get off my back.

*lucas picks up Maya* Am I there yet?

Lucas’s giggles like a little girl in GM belief

'May clutterbucket’ oh this is the greatest moment of my life.

I know it’s early but my life is complete

(These are all from memory so if some of them are wrong I’m sorry!!
I’m supposed to be sleeping but I cba.
also this was gonna be a sentence long post… But I got carried away.
Ooh it’s midnight!! Make a wish.
*makes a wish*

There!! (If you still remember what this post was about. Shit it was long oops) I’ve wasted another couple minutes of your time, so now it’s only 1,382,280 seconds left.

So here’s the plan. You have three options.

1. Allow me to entertain you for another 16 days (-2 minutes!!) but I gotta tell you I need my sleep.

2. Rewatch EVERY episode and fan video, reread all the fanfiction and theories, and go on tumblr all day til then.

3. Join me in a sixteen day sleep. Night 😴😴