NICK-SABAN

Seven Things We Love to Hate
About College Football

GQ contributor and designated black-heart Drew Magary–whose excellent new novel, The Postmortal, is out today and worth your cash–wrote this adorable mash note to the college game for our Sept 2011 issue. Click here to read it in full. Below, a sample.

1. Nick Saban’s straw hat
Yes, Nick Saban engendered plenty of goodwill this off-season with everything he did for the Tuscaloosa community in the wake of all those devastating tornadoes. But seriously, fuck him. Deep down, we all know he’s still the same bloodless vampire nomad who eats kittens. Just look at the way he walks around practice in that asshole-golfer straw hat that makes him look like a southern-fried Third World dictator.

2. Bowl-game halftime shows
Say, that was a great first half! We’ll be back for the second half IN TWELVE HOURS. Let’s just cease all football-related activity for half a day and send each school’s respective marching band out onto the field for an interminable mash-up of “America the Beautiful” and Katy Perry’s “Firework.” You want marching bands? Go rent Drumline. Otherwise, piss off and give me a hasty twelve-minute halftime like the pros do.

5

“Football is like life - it requires perserverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority”