NBA-Players

Context: my ranger elf stole a purple horse from someone and named it Barney, i was going to bring him to a wizard to enchant him to speak like Barney the dinosaur but instead chose the cheaper route of the black market.

DM: you bring your horse to the black market to enchant him to speak like barney. Role to see if your horse remains untampered with.

Me: *roles a nat one*

DM: your horse is now able to speak like Barney the dinosaur, but is now possessed by the spirit of a destructive demon, and whispers under his breath about mad cultists.

Me: if I say really fucked up shit in a Barney the Dinosaur voice whenever my horse talks can I have extra experience points?

DM: fuck yes.

Me: *in Barney voice* “I will sacrifice the gluttons of this realm’s innards to the unholy forces of my people.”

Party: *dying of laughter*

DM: *trying not to laugh* 100 experience.

Rules and tips for dating a hockey player:

1.go like this:

2.spin around

3.stop!

4.double take three times. 1, 2, 3!

5. theeeeeen, pelvic thrust!

6.Stop on your right foot. (Super important DON’T FORGET IT)

7.bring it around town. bring. it. around. town.

8. then you do this:

9: then this:

10. and this:

11. and that

12. and this and that and this and that

And if you can do half of these you are most likely mentally mature enough to date a hockey player

[Our bard had rolled extremely high to seduce an NPC nobleman and the conversation consisted entirely of thinly veiled sexual innuendo about swords. After the NPC said he preferred to fight with longswords…]

Bard: I find it’s not the size of the sword, but the motions of the swordsman that really matters.

DM: This is the worst thing I’ve ever role played and I was in an original character Sonic The Hedgehog RPG when I was thirteen.

Re: Rules to Date a Hockey Player

@candian

This is just my perspective, but I think you genuinely don’t understand why people had a problem with your post, so I’m gonna go through it. And let me just say that not all of it is awful

1. this is a-okay, most of us don’t want to talk about our jobs at home
2. It’s one thing to respect your boyfriend’s wishes, but this can easily become controlling behavior that you later warn a hockey player’s partner against.
3. There isn’t a problem with this until the last line. Nobody’s value and/or input in a relationship should be reduced to their looks/being pretty not paying the bills. If that’s all one of these guys sees in you, they’re shitty, it’s not an equal partnership and their ass should be dumped.
4. It’s human to be disappointed by plans with your guy being cancelled. The line gets crossed when you throw a tantrum over something out of his control.
5. This is what I was talking about in #3. If he’s supposed be trusted around random women whose intention is getting him to cheat, he should be able to trust that you won’t let his teammate who doesn’t understand boundaries go too far if you speak to him.
6. I think you worded this one badly. There’s a difference between trying to communicate with that person while they’re hundreds of miles away from you, and harassing someone and expecting an immediate response 24/7.
7. I don’t know many people who have the time or money to do this in the first place.
8. Yes, but not every situation is the same. If you’re unhappy with the amount of time you’re getting to spend with your hockey player during the already limited amount of free time they have, you should be able to communicate with them— and I’m not talking about nagging, I mean productive communication.
9. Your two personalities are not one in the same. A woman and a man can be friends without her pining for attention outside of her relationship, even if Mr. Hockey Boyfriend doesn’t want to be buddies with him. Having friends who happen to play hockey with him doesn’t make you look cheap (never mind how misogynisitc this idea is).
10. People can wear what they want. Point blank. And a lot of women walk very well in heels without looking like Bambi.
11. I get what you’re trying to say because we all get exhausted, but again, communicating about something you’re unhappy with is important between two adults. Especially if, assuming you’re not married and living with this person, you’ve gone out of your way to go see them and they don’t value it.
12. I agree with the last piece, but 9 hours of anything without acknowledging the person spending time with you is ridiculous. Both people need to try something the other likes to do.
13. This is pretty common with athletes at all levels, but he shouldn’t turn into the Hulk if you don’t know better and make a mistake trying to talk about the game. Anybody who does that is an asshole immature.
14. The good job in the game piece if part of being supportive. But if they’re asking for an honest opinion on their outfit, there’s no need to tear them down, and there’s no need to lie either. And if he likes what he’s got on, that’s all that matters anyways.
15. He’s working, there’s no problem with this.
16. Every person should have an independent life outside of their relationship, no matter who the guy is and you shouldn’t feel guilt for not devoting your life to him 100%, especially if “you tell them not to go out with their friends, it’s not happening”.
17. If this is someone you’ve decided to be together with — you’re not “talking” or in any other not-a-committed-relationship status — making plans a couple months ahead isn’t unheard of.
18. This is a complete mess. You can’t defend this post as adult behavior and then follow in #19 with telling someone not to act like they’re in a high school relationship. Teasing is one thing when both parties have an understanding that, that is what’s being done. GROWN MEN AND WOMEN gossiping about a woman cheating, which they didn’t know for sure according to you, isn’t the same. Especially being that there’s an idea that “hoe” behavior by men in professional sports is okay. She was being slut-shamed for something that she may not have even done. And even if she had, her guy had no business telling everyone he works with what goes on within their relationship when he chose to continue being with her.
19. Again, I find this ironic following #18. And also, no person is disposable. That’s fucked. Nobody is a Barbie to entertain a man and nobody is a novelty item. And bimbo is just another gendered insult that I don’t think you would use against a man like the others throughout this post. What does it take to be a bimbo, anyways? Speculation that you might have cheated? That’s a little harsh, no?
20. You’re right, don’t throw away your life for anyone. Especially because most of the people reading this are young with a lot left in life to accomplish. But both people should be making efforts to spend time together, even if it’s just getting on FaceTime for the five overlapping minutes you both have.

I’m 100% not trying to shit on you or talk down to you, but what you wrote came across poorly. These are only things that I, personally, had an issue with. I can’t speak for anybody else. They may even think I’m wrong about some of this. What you wrote reeked of an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship with one person in control. I had to write this because it irked the hell out of me tbh.

Also, I noticed you changed your avi after your post got around. I hope you didn’t feel the need to do this because people were attacking you for a mistake.

@bisexualnylander I’m tagging you because you’re how I found out about this and I want your opinion.