edward elric | who wins: ed, probably
ok sure, ed is a nerd, but have you seen?? the shit he pulls off?? half his limbs are made of steel and he can practically control the earth by fuckin clapping. on the flip side, he’s short as hell and a fucking nerd so if you caught him off guard maybe you could win.
alphonse elric | who wins: alphonse
first of all, why the FUCK would you fight this golden ray of sunshine?? even if you managed to be enough of an asshole to actually go for it, he’s literally a hunk of animated steel that cannot feel pain or get exhausted, and he’s beat his alchemic-prodigy-genius-brother in every single fight. do not fight alphonse elric
winry rockbell | who wins: winry
do i need to even explain this. she is a fucking engineer she can and will give you a concussion with her wrench. she let herself be kidnapped by her parent’s murderer just for some mission literally she is the bravest bamf in fma, do not fight her above all costs.
envy | who wins: you
ok i probably should’ve put riza and roy before this lil shit, but i couldn’t wait, because you will win this fight. i dont care if he’s powered by millions of souls and can shapeshift and transform into a dinosaur, he’s fucking stupid and you’d be doing the world a favor if you punched him in the face. fight envy.
roy mustang | who wins: roy, probably
i mean, sure…he is a nerd, but this man has incinerated innocent people with a snap of his fingers. catching him off guard is a no-no, he has ridiculous reflexes. however, if you can catch him on a rainy day, you’ll be able to take him without a doubt. check your weather forecast before fighting roy mustang.
riza hawkeye | who wins: riza
you’re kidding, right?? i mean, if she doesn’t have a gun, you might be able to take her. after all, have we ever seen riza do martial arts? one problem with that. riza has guns at every moment. she probably has guns inside her guns. do not fight riza hawkeye.
maes hughes | who wins: maes
WHAT THE FUCK?? are you for real??? do not fight maes hughes. why the hell would you fight maes hughes. i dont even wanna talk to you if you fight maes hughes. you know what? go ahead and do it. you’ll find out the hard way he keeps literal knives up his fucking sleeves. he also has a wife and child and they love him so if you fight him they will be sad. fuck you. do not fight maes hughes
alex louis armstrong | who wins: you
sure, he has muscles the size of fuckin canada, but have we actually ever seen him win a fight?? he literally turns his weapons into statues of himself. what a big nerd. fight armstrong.
olivier mira armstrong | who wins: are you fucking serious
DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH
yoki | who wins: you
yoki would probably die if you looked at him funny. punch him directly in his stupid fucking mustache. you will win no matter what advantages he has.
roy mustang’s mustache | who wins: nobody
nobody can fight the mustache. the entire fma fandom is at the mercy of the mustache. the mustache wont even fight a puny underling like you. stay far, far away from the mustache.