a year ago, if you had asked me what I felt about love, relationships, intimacy, I would’ve told you the basics. I would’ve given you the standard answer developed over years of mistakes and attempts and learned experiences. I would tell you love takes time; that on some occasions we need to work at it for it to develop, that it’s okay to brush aside fundamental incompatibility when at least I have comfort and safety. a year ago, I would’ve told you that instantaneous love doesn’t, couldn’t possibly, and never will, exist. but that was a year ago.
there was one girl who I was drawn to. inexplicably. attraction, surely. respect and admiration for who she was, how she spoke, and the insight of her thoughts, without question. but there was a light about her. a positive, visceral force I couldn’t describe to anyone within the limitations of my words. and even I was quick to dismiss it, label it was ordinary attraction that I was curious about, and clearly nothing more. life teaches you to be skeptical.
we spent a weekend in philadelphia; she invited me to a festival, and I accepted. I listened as she opened up about her own world–her family, her dreams, her childhood, throughout our first day together. only us, together. I listened to her music, discovered the warmth of her laughter, and bore witness to how she viewed the world. I remember vividly telling myself I could marry her. but I’d take friendship, too. to have her in my life, in any form, was a gift. she had a light about her.
my mum was so supportive today i was like ???? i was telling her that i’ve been going to bed at 6am recently but i feel bad about it, cos i know that’s when she wakes up and she said, you shouldn’t ever feel bad about going to bed late. cos im an adult now, paying for rent and im not in school i can go to bed really late and it’s great. it really does get better. just fight through school, and seriously things will get better.