Mistakes were made

Before I tell this story, I’d like to apologize to bartenders everywhere on behalf of my wife.

Years ago my wife, a twenty-something bar hopper at the time, was in Fell’s Point in Baltimore with some friends, out to have a good time. At the bar she orders “a Myers’s and cranberry.”

Finding a spot with her friends, she took a sip and I’m not clear on whether or not there was an actual spit take involved but suffice it to say the taste wasn’t what she was expecting.

Charging back to the bar she held the drink out to the bartender.

“What the hell is this?”

“It’s a Myers’s and cranberry.”

“Look,” she said. “I know a Myers’s and cranberry and this is not a Myers’s and cranberry. Now give me a Myers’s and cranberry!

The bartender stared at her for a second before angrily dumping the drink out. He refilled the glass with ice, turned to the shelf and grabbed a bottle. Turning back, he held the bottle of Myers’s dark rum out to her for inspection before proceeding to make the drink. In that instant, my wife realized her mistake. She didn’t want a Myers’s and cranberry. Of course she didn’t. Who would order that? No, she wanted a Malibu and cranberry.

Uh… oops.

Now, my wife doesn’t give up easily, which is one of the things I love about her. So, even in her early twenties, down by two against a Fell’s Point bartender and just seconds on the clock, she’s not throwing in the towel. Oh, no.

But as the bartender made the drink she might have shifted uncomfortably, not sure what her play was in this situation. He finished and slammed it on the counter.

In that instant, it came to her. Her game-saving play.

Picking up the glass, she took a taste.

“Now, that’s a Myers’s and cranberry!” she said.

Then, taking care not to seem like she was rushing, she rushed back to her friends as the bartender’s eyes drilled angry holes in her back.

Was that the right thing to do? Maybe not. But sometimes a win’s a win.

February 14, 2009
  1. I’m so lucky I fell in love with my best friend.

    Ha! I’m kidding! I fell in love with a hot chick I like to bone. My best friend’s a dude.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 110
  2. Religion answers the questions science can’t? Only if you consider making shit up to be an acceptable answer.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 55
  3. Apparently, in her world, putting on my Vader helmet and crooning, “I’m dispatching my probe droid to investigate Uranus,” isn’t foreplay.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 55
  4. I don’t understand why everyone’s so excited. Discounted Candy Day is *tomorrow.*
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 53
  5. Who the hell thought arming a winged toddler was an intelligent idea? TODDLERS HAVE POOR IMPULSE CONTROL. AND ARE DISTURBINGLY CHUBBY.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45
  6. “I found a mysterious thing on my pants. I assumed it was food, so I ate it. Now I’m not so sure.” - @jkubicek, PhD.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41
  7. Jeeze. I’m still writing 1234567889 on all my– SHUT THE FUCK UP.
    @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 40
  8. Boy, if there was ever a place to be murdered, it would be in this library, on this poorly lit floor at night, by that guy.
    @emilyelisabeth (Unavailable) – 39
  9. LADIES OF TWITTER: I got you flowers! They’re at the store. You just have to pick them up. And pay for them. Happy Valentine’s Day!
    @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 36
  10. Can you replicate Kraft salad dressing at home if you’re out of Polysorbate 60? Is Polysorbate 80 OK? It’s only 20 more polysorbates, right?
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 33

Keep reading

January 12, 2009
  1. Ann Coulter has done an amazing job of making very stupid people believe that their hatred is a valid political stance.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 73
  2. Being forced to put Italian dressing on my Greek salad. If it had turkey on it, I think I’d have the makings of a major Mediterranean war.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 60
  3. It occurs to me that in addition to all his other various skills, Bruce Wayne is a great logo designer.
    @gruber (John Gruber) – 59
  4. The woman next door is either using a leaf blower in her living room or her vibrator has a HEMI.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 44
  5. Deliciously bawdy fun with fortune cookies: read your fortune aloud to your dinner mates, adding “and I enjoy sexual intercourse.”
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 39
  6. I should probably stop eating at places where they consider the “bucket” to be a serving size.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 39
  7. Fact: a parent feels comfortable leaving their children alone in the house at exactly the same time they stop caring if they are stolen.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 37
  8. “Stop licking the dog!”
    “Don’t hit the TV with a banana!”
    “The toilet brush doesn’t go in your mouth!”

    I’m a parent. I signed up for this.
    @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 37
  9. Either that chick was anorexic or the coat rack just got up & walked out of the room.
    @kariedwards (Unavailable) – 36
  10. Every time I see an ampersand in a tweet I know the tweeter needed 2 more cheatin’ characters to fit their tweet into 140 characters & shit.
    @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 34

Keep reading

January 13, 2009
  1. That’s it. I’m declaring RSS bankruptcy. Also, email bankruptcy, voicemail bankruptcy, snail mail bankruptcy aaaaaand actual bankruptcy.
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 49
  2. Many bloggers and writers hate Twitter because it’s boring. Just like I hate basketballs because they never go into the hoop.
    @nick (Nick Douglas) – 48
  3. Office baby shower. 13 women and me. My clothes reek of biological clock.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46
  4. My wife doesn’t like that I have identical pairs of boxers. It makes it hard for her to definitively confirm I’ve changed my underwear.
    @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 44
  5. Chicken wings are the NASCAR of poultry.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41
  6. Just realized tomorrow’s minor surgery involves me passed out and naked from the waist down. God, how I’d hoped those days were behind me.
    @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 39
  7. I understand the need for “Transition to Digital TV” PSAs, but I fail to see how the crying Native American is relevant.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 39
  8. Why won’t you just love me for the person I purport to be?
    @zuhl (Jon Deal) – 39
  9. The Good News: I finally groomed my unruly, um, personal areas.
    The Bad News: It looks like I killed a Chupacabra in my shower.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 38
  10. Profoundly funny tweet #1116911986 (?)
    @shoesonwrong (Unavailable) – 36

Keep reading

March 14, 2009
  1. If the terrorists loved us, they wouldn’t be terrorists any more. They’d be snugglists. Oh no! The current Threat Level is Spooning! Panic!
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54
  2. Drinking Coke at 2am is like plugging just one more appliance into an overworked outlet. You might get power. You might take down the grid.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53
  3. Fake news was great, but I prefer the new “Jon Stewart explains to you why you’re an asshole” format. It’s very “2009.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48
  4. About to present “Doing It Wrong - A Guide To Doing It Wrong” to eager crowd of Star Wars action figures at Moltz By Moltzwest. #mxmw
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 48
  5. No, every person in Austin. Your waitress has not seen your blog.
    Order, eat, tip well, then leave.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 45
  6. “What? No- I sent you a PDF File NOT a pedophile!”

    “Oh, good. I was going to say, that’s a horrible thing to send me when I’m babysitting!”
    @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 44
  7. Not to be outdone by Facebook, Twitter changed their question from “What are you doing?” to “Why you gotta be like that?”
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 42
  8. Wife: I challenge you to not use your iPhone for 24 hours. Me: I do not accept your challenge. Duh.
    @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 40
  9. A bird in the hand will probably shit on your fingers. Just leave the bird in its tree, what’s wrong with you?
    @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 40
  10. In our Subaru listening to NPR on our way to buy a new iMac. Hold on, let me punch myself in the face. Again.
    @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 39
  11. While Texas remembers the Alamo, it has misplaced the recipe for coffee.
    @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 39
  12. If you mixed French kisses and Eskimo kisses, you’d probably taste a lot of snot.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39
  13. My mobile calling plan offers unlimited minutes. In an average month, I doubt I use half of them.
    @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 36
  14. “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.”

    Advice from:

    A). Jim Cramer
    B). Martha Stewart
    C). Octomom
    @MODAT (Modat) – 35
  15. You will know my distaste when I create the Facebook group “I HATE THE NEW FACEBOOK NOT THE OLD NEW FACEBOOK BUT THIS NEWEST NEW FACEBOOK.”
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 34
  16. I don’t know if I have a booze hangover or a meat hangover. Hangover is a word, right? It looks weird. Oh, Jesus.
    @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 33
  17. Bad news: The boys showed me tonight how well my loofah cleans toilets.
    Worse news: They discovered this for themselves months ago.
    @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 33
  18. Twitter is one million miniature open mic nights.
    @nictate (nictate ) – 31
  19. I’m so not funky. On a scale of zero to “George Clinton,” my funkiness level is between “Guy from Iron & Wine” and “non-pleated khakidelic.”
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 30
  20. The new Facebook reminds me of when my son says he cleaned his room, but really just rearranged his mess.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 29
May 18, 2009
  1. My car smells like farts.

    I am alone in my car.

    I did not fart.

    And so begins the worst slasher film ever.
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 125
  2. Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off?
    @Moltz (Moltz) – 105
  3. Cheney’s been gone nearly 4 months now, but my “flipping off motorcades” habit is proving hard to break.

    Sorry about that, Mrs. Biden.
    @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 85
  4. Me: You know what I love about you?
    Husband: Lisa, you’re not married and I’m imaginary.
    Me: Well you don’t have to be so mean about it.
    @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 81
  5. Profoundly funny tweet #1837130768 (?)
    @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 77
  6. Nobody believes me when I tell them I’m OCD. Is it my fault I’m only compelled to do things one time in a row?
    @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65
  7. Dance Dance Revolution? More like Stomp Stomp Embarrass Your Girlfriend. haha jk that game’s for nerds brb lifting really big weights
    @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 61
  8. Took the family to an animal shelter this weekend. Probably shouldn’t have abandoned them, but I’m sure they’ll find a good home eventually.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56
  9. Profoundly funny tweet #1838977704 (?)
    @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 55
  10. With the right standards, most foods pair nicely with grape soda.
    @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 54
  11. Created a new frozen snack product: Flavored Icicles.
    Just made the first batch. Wanna lick my test Icicles?
    @MODAT (Modat) – 52
  12. I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping.
    @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 50
  13. I wish my wife would pick on someone her own size, who would be bigger than me. Oh god here she comes.
    @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49
  14. Cirque du Soleil looks like what would happen if Bjork songs came to life.
    @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49
  15. Finally saw Benjamin Button. I have to say I think they missed a real opportunity in the end for some hot old lady on baby action.
    @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 49
  16. People have been trying to end prostitution for thousands of years. Turns out all they needed to do was get Craigslist to stop running ads.
    @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45
  17. “Disturbing” is seeing the neighbor’s cat eat it’s own shit. “Horrifying” is hearing a 7-year-old boy use the phrase “cum slut” accurately.
    @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 43
  18. Give a man a fish, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to use an exercise machine, and he’ll work out for a day.
    @Remiel (Gabriel) – 42
  19. If you were a piece of gum on the rim of a urinal, would you tolerate being hit with urine all day, or would you eventually get pissed off?
    @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41
  20. Will whoever gave birth to the 5 lb log in the 2nd floor toilet bowl please claim and/or flush your offspring?

    Thanks, and congratulations.
    @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 41