I remember being in the garden with my nan, she was quite a bit older than me
That’s generally how it works.
“Nan why are we the same age?”
“Oh er I don’t know it’s gone a bit weird”
But I was there and my nan was about 70 and I was about 6 and I thought I saw a fairy and I was like oh my god nan look there’s a fairy, look it is a fairy
In a little tunic skipping through the bracken and my nan you know didn’t have the magical children’s goggles on
She just sort of looked over and went
“Yeah that’s not a fairy is it? That’s a prostitute”
—  Noel Fielding (Magic)
Terrific Bluebottle (In its entirety, my friend)

Ooooh, here’s me, I’m comin’ in, I’m flyin’ around the room, I’m a terrific Bluebottle.

Here’s me, I’m comin’ in the room, I’m flyin’ all over the place, I’m flyin’ in a figure of a eight, I’m doin’ a figure of eight, now I’m going quite straight, I’m doin’ right angles, look at me. It’s like I’m orchestratin’ a map of Hampton Court maze but from an aerial perspective.

Here’s me, I’m flyin’ all around the house, I’m in the front room, I’m in the back room, I’m in the kitchen, I’m landin’ on the fridge door and now I’m goin’ back out again.

And I’m comin’ back in half an hour later and I’m landing in exactly the same place.

Now I’m going out again, I’m going out again, you don’t know what’s happening, I’ve been gone ages this time, could be days. I’ve come back in, I’ve landed in exactly the same place.
It’s doin’ your head in, you can’t work it out, we’ll never know if it really is the same place, though unless when I land on it you draw around my feet and then when I go away when I come back, we see if it’s in the overlap.

Here’s me, I’m flyin’ all around the place, I’m flyin’ all around the place,
now I’m in the distance, now I’m in the distance and NOW I’VE COME UP REALLY CLOSE TO YOUR EAR!

I’m in the distance, I’m in the distance.. NOW I’M REALLY CLOSE TO YOUR EAR! *shakes head* you’re like that! And if someone see’s you, you have to go “I thought it was a wasp,” and then when that person goes away, I give you a little look as if to say, “We both knew full well that wasn’t a wasp, that was a fly,”

Here’s me, I’m comin’ in, here’s me, I’m comin’ in, there’s you at your little desk there, you’re tryin’ to do some writin’, perhaps you’re in college, perhaps you’re writin’ a novel, I’m not sure, but I keep just buzzin’ around your head and you don’t know what’s happenin.

I’m buzzin’ round your head, you don’t know what’s happenin’ you’re gettin’ really annoyed, you can’t concentrate, you go over and open a window.

But you open the window in a way it’s never actually been opened before in
its entire career as a window of the house, it has been opened so wide, you’re like that *stretch* All the way to the top, no one’s ever opened a window that wide before and when I come in the room, as if I won’t see that as a trap.

I can see 175 frames a second my friend, I can see when a windows been opened to its fullest.

You’re sitting there at your desk, the windows open, I come towards it, come towards it, come towards it, and at the last minute, do a little turn off.

Here I come, here I come, I’ve actually gone through it, you can’t believe it, you’ve jumped up out of your desk, you’ve slammed it shut, you think you’ve won, you’re doing a victory dance but I’m behind your head.

*The entirety of this post, and all its material belongs to that of Noel Fielding, and should not be used in public broadcasting.


Rhod Gilbert is one of the funniest men I know of.