Aries: Trudy. Fashionable. Assertive. Independent. Fiery. Doesn’t settle for less. Not afraid to smack a cheating husband down.
Taurus: Joan. Passionate. Stubborn. Sensual. Level-headed. Makes a great rib roast. Loyal, but not above judging. Romantic and materialistic.
Gemini: Pete. Social. Energetic. Persuasive. Half-adorable sweetheart, half-sociopath. Mildly predatory. Morally challenged.
Cancer: Peggy. Acts like they’ve got it all together but really an emotional mess. Moody. Sensitive. Compassionate. Sleeps with inappropriate (married) people.
Leo: Don. Egotistical. Selfish. Magnetic. Thinks they’re the best. Creative. Melodramatic. Talented. Literal sex demon.
Virgo: Betty. Perfectionist. Whiny. Self-absorbed. Meticulous. Bakes stellar cookies while plotting to murder their enemies. Gossipy. Judgy.
Libra: Ken. Great with people. Perceptive. Creative genius. Diplomatic and idealistic. Very attractive. Likes the wilderness and fresh maple syrup. Kind.
Scorpio: Bert. Eccentric. Savvy. Loyal. Resourceful. Slightly secretive. Enjoys abstract and/or sex-themed paintings. Drinks hot beverages.
Sagittarius: Roger. Snarky, fun, fond of problematic substances. Doesn’t respect authority. Intelligent but lazy. Not great at fidelity.
Capricorn: Lane. Ambitious. Focused. Workaholic. Secretly wants to be friends with everyone but isn’t quite sure how. Socially awkward. Intelligent. Adorable.
Aquarius: Megan. Flaky. Unconventional. Wants no-strings-attached relationships. Idealistic (unrealistic) dreams. Can be emotionally distant. Open to threesomes.
Pisces: Salvatore. Artistic. Sensitive. Sexy. Fabulous. COME BACK SAL WE MISS YOU.