Martin-Skrtel

Liverpool FC vs. West Ham recapped

Mignolet stole Brendan’s notepad at halftime to meticulously plot how he was going to brutally murder every last one of his defensive teammates, except for Alberto Moreno and Daniel Agger, who still actually plays for Liverpool

Gomez looked like a dog who had just been shown a card trick for the entire time he was on the pitch

Skrtel stood still for 90 consecutive minutes, overwhelmed by locking onto different targets thinking of who to kill next instead of playing football

Lovren underwhelmingly returned to normal and overwhelmingly increased the number of violent crimes committed within the 2 hour window of the match

Clyne was Glen Johnson

Can was like a broken VW Van circa 1971

Lucas died a bit inside

Milner unsurprisingly led Liverpool into failure

Firmino hit the woodwork in the first 5 minutes and then quit

Coutinho rage quit the match after about 50 minutes

Benteke checked out as well about 10 minutes later although he was still physically present on the pitch

Moreno took on the world again, and lost

Ings made his lively debut two goals and a man down, welcome to Anfield

Ibe walked on to a cemetery instead of a football match

HT - Liverpool 0 West Ham United 2

Brutal honesty
· The scoreline at Anfield is not a fluke. Liverpool’s defence has been talked up but they’ve been breached twice - pathetically - and a mistake from Dejan Lovren for one of them will get plenty of attention and derision over the next fortnight. Rightly so too.

Good
· Dejan Lovren is surely finished for the afternoon.

Bad
· Dejan Lovren and Martin Skrtel failing to clear an easy ball in the third minute that lead to West Ham’s early lead. 
· Dejan Lovren running into the middle of West Ham’s half, doing a couple of stepovers and then losing the ball so the Hammers raced forward (with ease!) and almost made it 0-2.
· Dejan Lovren doing God knows what by the corner flag and losing the ball which lead to another pathetically easy Hammers goal.
· Philippe Coutinho has been completely anonymous. On his day he’s wonderful. When it’s not his day there’s no point him being on the pitch. He’s offering nothing, cutting in all the time and then losing the ball. West Ham are playing so narrow and tight we need people to run down the flanks. If he’s not going to do that then get him off.
· Dejan Lovren.

Highlights
· Roberto Firmino dancing around the ball from left foot to right to left, bamboozling the West Ham defender before letting loose a thunderous thirty-yard strike that almost broke the post. That is the only positive thing that has happened all game.

Dejan Lovren fact
· He’s shit.

2

Mignolet suffered a wound above his right eye early in the second half after rushing out of his box to win a header and colliding with Ashley Barnes. The Belgium international, who didn’t need stitches, said: “It’s just a scratch – a flesh wound! Skrtel actually came over to me and put a bit of vaseline on it for me and then it started bleeding. He wouldn’t make a good doctor!” (x)