Cristiano Ronaldo: Please do it. Please fight him for all of us. You’ll probably lose because he’s jacked, but you also might make him cry and that’s honestly worth it. Please, please make Cristiano Ronaldo cry.
Lionel Messi: I mean, you could fight him. You would probably win? But like, sometimes you just have to ask yourself, you know, why? Why are you fighting Lionel “Warm Milk” Messi? Do you not have more constructive things to do with your time, like eating ice cream or riding scooters? Don’t fight Lionel Messi. Take him to Disneyland.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic: Oh my god, don’t fucking fight Zlatan. Don’t do it. Dude is 6'5" and a black belt. Love yourself.
Andrés Iniesta: Uh, this would be like fighting a small piece of cheese, except the cheese is a dear kind little man with a wife and daughter and like honestly, dude, what the fuck?
John Terry: Yes, fight John Terry. Next question.
Luis Suarez: Please don’t do this. Not because he doesn’t deserve it, but because I’m honestly not sure if you’d come out of it with all your skin still attached? Like, this could go one of two ways: either he falls down as soon as you breathe on him, or he rips your liver out and eats it. Don’t risk it. Don’t fight Luis Suarez.
Andrea Pirlo: At first glance, Pirlo looks like the kinda guy you want to fight. I mean, he’d probably be too concerned with deep-conditioning his beard and avoiding bloodstains on his white linen capris to pose a threat, right? But he’s also probably running an organized crime ring, or the government. So don’t fight him.
Leonardo Bonucci: Why the fuck would you fight Bonucci? He punched an armed robber. In the head. Don’t do it. Don’t fight Bonucci.
Mario Götze: Oh my god, yes. Do it. Fight Götze. Doesn’t he just look like he smells like ham? Is there anyone in football with a more punchable face? Please, please fight Mario Götze. Fight his ham-smelling, Beats-wearing, Bieber-listening ass.
Javier Mascherano: Dude, do you hate yourself? Masche may only be like 5'9" but he will literally fight anything. He tore his anus on the football field and just kept playing. He humped Zlatan’s leg and lived to tell the tale. He probably has a side gig going as a hit man, I mean, have you seen how bald he is? Don’t do it. Don’t fight Mascherano.
Marco Reus: He is kind of fightable, isn’t he? But don’t do it. Don’t do it because he’ll break and it’ll be your fault and he’s been through enough already.
Mario Balotelli: Literally everyone in the world exists in a constant state of fighting Mario Balotelli. Leave the dude alone, okay? He likes dogs. Let him play with some dogs. We don’t need to be fighting all the time.
Luka Modric: Why would you fight the king of the elves? Do you not fear their ethereal retribution?
James Rodriguez: God, yes, please fight him. Has any other player ever been so punchable while still basically being a good person? I mean, I can’t think of any real reason to, but fight him anyway. Fight his stupid charming face.
Franck Ribery: I mean, you could fight him, but like, that would probably mean touching him. I’m honestly not sure I can ask anyone to do that? Not even for a good cause (i.e. fighting Franck Ribery).
Some of the most memorable T-shirt messages during football celebrations
1. Ian Wright - After scoring a
goal for the Gunners against Bolton in 1997, Wright lifted his shirt to reveal another, made by
Nike, stating: ‘179 – Just Done It,’ despite only equalling the record tally. However, he ended up scoring a hat-trick and breaking the record later that day. 2. Robbie Fowler - during a European Cup Winners’ Cup win against Brann in March 1997 Fowler unveiled a T-shirt with a fake Calvin Klein logo that read: ‘Support the 500 Sacked Dockers’ to show solidarity with striking dockworkers in the city. 3. Thierry Henry - In 2000, no Arsenal player had scored against Liverpool for almost 3 years, but, right at the death of the match, Henry made sure
of the victory by scoring and went on to reveal the message “Bang goes
the 0-0 draw”, pointing out the fact they had finally scored against
Liverpool. 4. Kaká - the Brazilian fell to his knees revealing a T-shirt that said “I belong to Jesus” after winning the Champions League final against Liverpool in Athens May 23, 2007. 5. Lionel Messi - In Barcelona’s now famous 6-2 win over Real Madrid at the Santiago
Bernabeu in 2009, he revealed a shirt reading ‘Sindrome X Fragil’, the
name of a medical condition that
leads to emotional, mental and physical problems for its sufferers.
Messi later explained that he had spent a day with children suffering from the
syndrome prior to the game and in the biggest fixture in club football
across the world, he was able to give a relatively
unknown issues a huge amount of coverage. 6. Andrés Iniesta - Likely to go down in the annuls of history as the most poignant
celebration of any World Cup final goal, the Barcelona man celebrated
his winning strike against the Dutch in the South Africa 2010 showpiece
by lifting his shirt to reveal a vest with the message ‘Dani Jarque:
Always with us’, in memory of the Espanyol defender who tragically died
of a heart attack in 2009.
7. Mubarak Wakaso - after scoring a 38th-minute penalty and giving Ghana a 1-0 win
over Mali at the African Cup of Nations in 2013, Wakaso revealed a shirt that read “Allah is great.” 8. Mario Balotelli - In 2011, quite clearly aggrieved with the often undeserved negative attention
that came his way from the media, after an exquisite finish, the young Italian stood defiantly in
the face of those that had criticised him in the lead up to the derby at
Old Trafford, wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Why always me?’ 9. Éric Abidal - In 2013, after a year out following liver surgery, Abidal celebrated his return to football by wearing a tribute to his cousin who provided part of his liver for the procedure. ‘It was a very special moment for me after a year out. I want to thank my cousin as without him I would not be here today,’ said Abidal wearing a shirt with ‘Merci mon cousin’ on the front.
Mario Balotelli: “I think that if I had been white, I’d have had fewer problems. Perhaps I did cause some of my own problems and had the wrong attitude at times, but would I have been forgiven quicker? Absolutely yes.”