Listen.

It’s not okay to have your child be scared of you. That isn’t respect. That’s control. 

It’s not okay to have your child obey you at all times in order for you to love them. That isn’t high standards. That’s manipulation.

It’s not okay to force your child become what you wanted to become. That isn’t wanting the best for them. That’s living vicariously through them.

It’s not okay to take away your child’s basic needs as a punishment. That isn’t teaching them. That’s hindering them. 

It’s not okay to dictate your child’s sexuality or gender. That isn’t normalizing them. That’s repressing them.

It’s not okay to berate your child’s appearance or intelligence for being what you think is sub-par. That isn’t toughening them. That’s bullying them.

It’s not okay to take out your stress on your child. That isn’t parenting. That is abusing.

It’s completely okay to distance yourself from your parents. That’s not unloving. That, sometimes, is self care.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Signs that You’re Being Manipulated

1. They twist your words and use them against you.

2. They’re mean – but then they say that you misunderstood them.

3. They make you feel guilty for saying, no.

4. They act cold towards you if you don’t do what they want.

5. You never feel as if you meet their expectations.

6. You feel as if you’re walking on eggshells all the time.

7. You feel very confused by the relationship.

8. You constantly feel anxious about the relationship.

9. It causes you to question your own sanity.

you know whats weird?? guys are constantly being teased for being whipped by their gf’s for doing basic things like spending time w her and respecting her, but women who literally cook and clean up after their bfs and do everything for them to an unhealthy extent are just being ‘good girlfriends’ like isn’t there something wrong w that

it’s time to shut down the lie that children who don’t grow up being hit, humiliated, and scared into obedience will grow up into spoiled, entitled, selfish monsters. there is zero truth to that. children grown in a healthy and nurturing environment will get a chance to grow up healthy. children who are raised by monsters who try to pretend that abuse is for the child’s sake and that the child would become a monster if not abused will be stripped of their health and will be denied an actual start in life and will be forced to fight for survival. I’ve had enough of abusers pretending they’re helping the child while they’re just taking and taking more and more away from them and leaving them permanently traumatized and emotionally injured. Don’t let them get away with it.

no more apology texts. no more reckless highway speeding. no more scribbled poetry in the back of spanish class. there is nothing left to lose. there is nothing left for you.

you haven’t seen me since i dyed my hair and it’s nice to have something you didn’t get to ruin. i’m dressing different too and lipsticking my way out of the girl you tore apart. i can finally breathe easy. i can finally be grateful that i never really meant it when i kissed you.

look, it’s me without you. look, i’m doing just fine. look, goddamn it, i’m lighter than i’ve been in months. there are seven billion people on the planet. i don’t think you matter so much anymore.

—  I MET SOMEONE WITH YOUR NAME AND DIDNT FLINCH // s. osborn

abusers are afraid of the world where they’re not able to abuse to freely, they’re afraid of the world where their abuse will be called out and condemned, where there will be consequences for their actions, where others will see what they’re doing and stand on the victim’s side, where they’re considered weak, disgusting, hateful and a burden on society they know they are. 

that’s why they’re trying to normalize abuse, trying to convince everyone victims deserved it for being “weak” or a list of other bullshit reasons. they’re scared of being recognized for who they are. they’re scared of being discovered. they’re scared of having to look themselves in the mirror and admit to what they’ve done. they’re scared of what they have to pay.

call their shit out. every single time. 

i see the word manipulation get thrown around a lot in the bpd community and while thats understandable i just wanted to give you all a small reminder

 

things that ARE manipulation are things like
  • never accepting responsibility for hurting others
  • guilt tripping others to get what you want
  • harassing others for not agreeing with you
  • intentionally diminishing other’s problems/difficulties by comparing them to your own
  • using other’s insecurities against them
things that are NOT manipulation include
  • expressing negative emotions to someone when you are hurt or distressed
  • not expressing emotions for the fear of bothering others
  • disagreeing with others and explaining your side of things
  • expressing your needs to those close to you
  • not socializing due to lack of energy or spoons

 

unhealthy behaviors (such as bottling things up, ignoring your problems, etc) definitely make situations harder and are things that need to be worked on asap, but unhealthy behaviors are not automatically manipulative just because someone has bpd

 

throwing around the wrong words can be extremely counter productive in this community, especially when there is already so much stigma and misunderstanding surrounding this disorder (not to mention that carelessly calling people manipulative and/or abusive for small things can end up devaluing what abuse and manipulation really mean)

 

TL;DR: do your research and get to know the actual meaning of strong words before using them - words like ‘manipulation’ or ‘abuse’ are not for you to take lightly and use against people you just disagree or have a problem with

anonymous asked:

Would you explain how each element manipulates and what the signs manipulation tactics are?

fire signs: forceful manipulators

earth signs: sexual manipulators

water signs: emotional manipulators

air signs: verbal manipulators

MANIPULATION TACTICS

Aries: Rage

Taurus: Silent Treatment

Gemini: Deflection

Cancer: Victimization

Leo: Charm

Virgo: Projection

Libra: Victimization

Scorpio: Abuse

Sagittarius: Indifference

Capricorn: Slander

Aquarius: Gaslighting

Pisces: Deception

Sun/Rising: your overt manipulaton tactics
Moon: your emotional manipulation tactics