There is no light without darkness, no courage without fear, no pleasure without pain, no salvation without sin, no life without death, no kindness without cruelty. The devil is in all of us, that’s what makes us humans.
Vanessa: being a badass Dracula Bride fuckin shit up, fighting her friends.
Ethan: going wolfman fighting Dracula to the death, releasing Vanessa from her enthrallment.
Meanwhile: Sir Malcolm and friends fuck shit up with the vampire henchman.
Lily and Dorian: Idk they’re the odd balls Lily escaping or in fact becoming Docile, idk SOMETHING Lily’s been pretty awesome and crazy this season.
Finale: Vanessa gets with Ethan finally, also reunited with friends, INCLUDING John who vents about his dead son. WELL SINCE SATAN TOOK A BREAK WE’LL BE FUCKING HIM UP NEXT SEASON, STAY TUNED FOR ANOTHER AMAZING SEASON OF PENNY DREADFUL. THIS TIME WITH CATRIONA AND DR. SEWARD AS VANESSA’S AWESOME BFF’S
What I Got:
Vanessa: being weak and broken and sad.
Ethan: NOT turning into a werewolf to defeat Dracula like in the fucking prophecy that was mentioned 3 billion times. Instead he must bring himself to kill the one woman and person he loves most.
Meanwhile: Granted, Sir Malcolm and friends fucking shit up with the vampire henchman.
Lily and Dorian: Fucking split up and Dorian saying poetic shit. Learning that Lily’s life is infinitely more fucked up than I originally thought. PILE THE SAD SHIT ON PLEASE
Finale: Well we’ll do the worst, but expected and most anticlimactic execution of killing Vanessa to end all the torment and darkness and all that shit. And John narrates this sad shit ending as he is now alone with no friends, or family for that matter since his son died and his wife told him to fuck off unless you call Victor. All the good delicious plot lines and writing LIKE THE BEAUTIFUL BLADE OF GRASS EPISODE go down the fucking drain.
Where it’s quite true a surprising number of exciting things happen (mostly to Nicola) in a very short amount of time – like her discovering the dubious pleasure of having two men who otherwise loathe each other completely united in SHOUTING at her
or her receiving a private lesson from Malcolm on the acute distinction between a boring *fuck* and a fucking boring *boring* fuck and also why you should NEVER EVER bring up a cyclist in his presence
but before any of this happens – in fact, before Malcolm even leaves the surprisingly flower-filled corridors of Number 10 – he runs into Steve “Like a Limpet Up A Whale’s Arse” Fleming and thus we get the first onscreen face-to-face meeting between Malcolm and and his true arch-nemesis who just won’t fucking GO and where we get to see what Malcolm REALLY hating someone looks like.
(Although, frankly, I don’t know if Malcolm comparing Steve Fleming to The Moody Blues is MORE insulting or LESS insulting considering Malcolm’s own known propensity – going all the way back to the very first episode* – for randomly reciting the paraphrased lyrics of soft rock stalwart Billy Joel.)
*which if my overwrought timeline is correct took place in 2004 probably not that many months after Malcolm got rid of Steve Fleming the first time.