MY-PEELS

Man, I’m a basic skin care bitch. I use dove soap and Aveeno body lotion on my face.

I do have to tell you though. I used to have the worst acne in high school. When I was 17 I went on accutane for 6 months. While taking it, my entire face peeled off in sections at a time, literal open flesh. I wore Vaseline all over my face. I had to get my blood taken in 4 vials every months to keep on eye on my vitals and liver. It made me crave iron like crazy.
In return, I had baby glowing skin for 20 years. I never saw my pores.
I’m 38 now. I do see my pores now and I do get some hormonal pimples. I can’t go 2 minute out of the shower without lotion or I will feel like a molting lizard. I still have to apply chapstick every 20 minutes to my lips.
I don’t know if this has anything to do with it, but I get a cold rash when cold air hits my skin.

it is a bad time to be alone. inside of me feels like a very small set of claws is slowly peeling away my insides, bit by bit. like it doesn’t really hurt until the movie on tv has a happy family in it. like christmas songs make me close my eyes and breathe slowly. like don’t talk to me about snow. 

it is a bad time to be lonely. the house is full and people are laughing but i am apart. i feel temporary. like i’m both inside the house and outside, watching through glass the yellow light of something that isn’t mine. like i’m borrowing it. like these people don’t know me and they won’t try to and i don’t blame them for it.

i miss belonging. i miss stealing food out of the fridge and teaching the dog new tricks and laughing so hard i cry for it. i miss a loud house that doesn’t make me flinch. i miss swelling up with joy in preparation for christmas rather than bracing for it. 

the little claw inside me digs, and digs, and digs.

When I kissed her
my cheeks filled up with immortality
she always played dead
made the walls close in
peeled way my delusion
forced me to howl my sins
she said if you want to find me
I am always walking away from the sun
—  Scorpio