i wish i could have one more chance just to make sure that you knew i loved you. one more chance to ask if you were okay. one more chance just to say hello.
even more than that, i wish you had one more day than what you had gotten. one more hour. one more minute.
but wishes are for disney films and fairytales, things like that which are light and airy
and real life is louder than the flat line of heart monitor, no matter how hard i try i just can’t stop myself from hearing it
and real life doesn’t grant wishes, no matter how many shooting stars we see or how any eyelashes we blow in the wind, no matter how many times the clock strikes 11:11
we don’t get one more chance, one more day, one more minute
we only get one, period.
we get one life and i hope that yours was as meaningful to you as it was to me
now that is something that life can offer; hope
because wishes are fleeting but hope gives us strength
and i hope that your pain was relieved
i hope you were able to smile
i hope you knew just how loved you truly, truly are
i hope you’re out there listening to me now, i hope you can hear how sorry i am and how much i miss you
and above all, i just hope that your spirit and your memory will continue to shine as brightly as you did
Love is patient,
except sometimes, it isn’t. like when you’ve already gone months without seeing her and you’re so badly yearning for more of her that it hurts, it hurts you deep in your core. like when you can’t wait to be with her again, like when you want so badly want to make up for lost time; to trace the patterns of freckles on her shoulders that you haven’t felt in so long; to kiss her and lose yourself in her again like you did the first time, like you haven’t done in so long. like when you’re in a hurry to become us all over again and waiting just one more day is enough to drive you crazy.
love is kind.
except sometimes, it isn’t. because sometimes love is hearing a sound and thinking for a split second that she’s here with you, only to realize a moment later that you are waking up alone after she’s already woken up hours before you, miles away from you. and it’s cruel, it’s cruel to love someone you can’t be with, it’s cruel to love someone you can’t comfort when she’s upset and crying, it’s cruel to love someone you can only reach through text messages and phone calls. they’re enough to get you through the day, but never enough at the same time.
It does not envy,
except sometimes, it does. because there are people who are able to take her out to dinner, to go to the movies with her, to go over her house and just sit there, to be with her - and you can’t. and green is all you can see because they just don’t realize these simple pleasure are everything to you; green is all you can see because you can’t do the things that they take for granted.
it does not boast,
except sometimes, it does. and how can it not? when the most amazing creature that God has ever created is yours, yours alone and no one else. how can it not succumb to the desires to shout to the world about how blessed you are to have this beautiful human in your life? how can it not tell everyone and anyone who is listening, over and over and over again, just how much you love her?
it is not proud
except sometimes it is. because pride is all you can feel for her, when she calls you with good news or when she accomplishes something she didn’t think she could do or when she achieves a goal she has always wanted to achieve or when she does something that makes your heart swell up for love with her and you’re so full, full to the brim, that you can barely breathe but with your final breaths, you will use them to exclaim just how proud of her you are, just how proud you are to be in love with her.
It does not dishonor others,
except sometimes, it does. but not intentionally. sometimes, other people are so offended and disgusted by your love for her, you have dishonored them without even realizing it. when you hold her hand in a crowded store or kiss her cheek when you meet her at the airport or cry in her arms when you say goodbye at the train station, you will attract stares before you even know what to do about it. let them stare. because her hand, her kiss, her arms mean more to you than anything in the world. and sometimes, dishonoring others is okay as long as you aren’t dishonoring yourself.
it is not self-seeking,
except sometimes, it is. like when you just spent a week straight with her but the second you are back home, you start looking at plane tickets for the next time you can be together. you start planning, picking dates, calling off work, arranging rides to the airport and train station. all because you can’t stand to be away from her, because you crave being with her more than you can even begin to put into words. because you love her and you want to be with her and a week is just never long enough.
it is not easily angered,
except sometimes, it is. because in the day and age of digital media, Helvetica Neue still is not able to convey sarcasm or any feelings really. and it is so easy to misconstrue or misunderstand, it is so easy for tempers to flare and tears to fall. and then she calls you, and you can hear her voice and your anger subsides. we must allow the anger to visit but we must not allow it to stay.
it keeps no record of wrongs.
except sometimes, it does. memories are stronger than we think and you were such a bitch to her the other day, you can’t stop thinking about it, even after she’s already forgiven you and moved on from it. you can’t move on. you keep thinking about the things you said, the things you didn’t say, the things you wish you said, the way you said it, the way you should have said it. you were wrong and you know it, but she still loves you anyway.
It always protects,
always. when you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking, she will hold you until you can sleep again. when you forget how to breathe, she will put your hand to her chest and remind you. when anxiety eats away at you from the inside out, she will make you feel safe. when you can’t get out of bed, she will lay there with you. when it hurts, she will take away your pain.
always. when she says she’s going out drinking, you trust that she won’t get drunk and drive. when she smokes five cigarettes in one day, you trust that she will take it easy tomorrow. when she stops replying to your messages, you trust that she is well and safe. you trust that she is not lying to you. you trust that she has your best interest at heart. you trust that she would never intentionally do anything to harm you. you trust that she loves you as much as she says she does.
always. because the future seems so bright when her smile is all you can see. because she called you up today to talk about name options for the baby boy you hope to have one day. because you can’t wait for the day your home is full of cats and dogs. because you can’t wait for the day your home becomes our home.
always. because she’s worth it. she’s worth all of the flight delays. she’s worth all of cab services that won’t let you pay with a credit card. she’s worth having to change your plans to see each other because real life gets in the way and you can’t make it, not this time. she’s worth all of the tears you shed because you're anticipating saying goodbye. she’s worth all of the travel anxiety, all of the money spent just to be together, all of the days you can’t be together. because she’s worth it. because you’re both worth it.
“how do i describe my girl? why she is the sun bringing me light and warmth but also the moon showing me change can be beautiful and oh, she is the stars she is every wish i have ever made she is wise beyond her years but still playful and innocent she can be cold as winter and hot as summer but she was my new beginning just like autumn’s arrival she is my fresh breath of spring my girl… she is a dream come true she is my happily ever after she is home she is mine”
Well, i had intended on doing more of a workout today than this, but at least I got this done. I also moved some furniture for my elderly friend who has had to move from her assisted living apartment into more of a long term care / nursing home type environment.