MOW

i wish i could have one more chance just to make sure that you knew i loved you. one more chance to ask if you were okay. one more chance just to say hello.
even more than that, i wish you had one more day than what you had gotten. one more hour. one more minute.
but wishes are for disney films and fairytales, things like that which are light and airy
and real life is louder than the flat line of heart monitor, no matter how hard i try i just can’t stop myself from hearing it
and real life doesn’t grant wishes, no matter how many shooting stars we see or how any eyelashes we blow in the wind, no matter how many times the clock strikes 11:11
we don’t get one more chance, one more day, one more minute
we only get one, period.
we get one life and i hope that yours was as meaningful to you as it was to me
hope
now that is something that life can offer; hope
because wishes are fleeting but hope gives us strength
and i hope that your pain was relieved
i hope you were able to smile
i hope you knew just how loved you truly, truly are
i hope you’re out there listening to me now, i hope you can hear how sorry i  am and how much i miss you
and above all, i just hope that your spirit and your memory will continue to shine as brightly as you did
—  rest in peace, Kips <3
(cc, 2016)

Love is patient,
except sometimes, it isn’t. like when you’ve already gone months without seeing her and you’re so badly yearning for more of her that it hurts, it hurts you deep in your core. like when you can’t wait to be with her again, like when you want so badly want to make up for lost time; to trace the patterns of freckles on her shoulders that you haven’t felt in so long; to kiss her and lose yourself in her again like you did the first time, like you haven’t done in so long. like when you’re in a hurry to become us all over again and waiting just one more day is enough to drive you crazy.

love is kind.
except sometimes, it isn’t. because sometimes love is hearing a sound and thinking for a split second that she’s here with you, only to realize a moment later that you are waking up alone after she’s already woken up hours before you, miles away from you. and it’s cruel, it’s cruel to love someone you can’t be with, it’s cruel to love someone you can’t comfort when she’s upset and crying, it’s cruel to love someone you can only reach through text messages and phone calls. they’re enough to get you through the day, but never enough at the same time. 

It does not envy,
except sometimes, it does. because there are people who are able to take her out to dinner, to go to the movies with her, to go over her house and just sit there, to be with her - and you can’t. and green is all you can see because they just don’t realize these simple pleasure are everything to you; green is all you can see because you can’t do the things that they take for granted. 

it does not boast,
except sometimes, it does.  and how can it not? when the most amazing creature that God has ever created is yours, yours alone and no one else. how can it not succumb to the desires to shout to the world about how blessed you are to have this beautiful human in your life? how can it not tell everyone and anyone who is listening, over and over and over again, just how much you love her? 

it is not proud
except sometimes it is. because pride is all you can feel for her, when she calls you with good news or when she accomplishes something she didn’t think she could do or when she achieves a goal she has always wanted to achieve or when she does something that makes your heart swell up for love with her and you’re so full, full to the brim, that you can barely breathe but with your final breaths, you will use them to exclaim just how proud of her you are, just how proud you are to be in love with her. 

It does not dishonor others,
except sometimes, it does. but not intentionally. sometimes, other people are so offended and disgusted by your love for her, you have dishonored them without even realizing it. when you hold her hand in a crowded store or kiss her cheek when you meet her at the airport or cry in her arms when you say goodbye at the train station, you will attract stares before you even know what to do about it. let them stare. because her hand, her kiss, her arms mean more to you than anything in the world. and sometimes, dishonoring others is okay as long as you aren’t dishonoring yourself. 

it is not self-seeking,
except sometimes, it is. like when you just spent a week straight with her but the second you are back home, you start looking at plane tickets for the next time you can be together. you start planning, picking dates, calling off work, arranging rides to the airport and train station. all because you can’t stand to be away from her, because you crave being with her more than you can even begin to put into words. because you love her and you want to be with her and a week is just never long enough. 

it is not easily angered,
except sometimes, it is. because in the day and age of digital media, Helvetica Neue still is not able to convey sarcasm or any feelings really. and it is so easy to misconstrue or misunderstand, it is so easy for tempers to flare and tears to fall. and then she calls you, and you can hear her voice and your anger subsides. we must allow the anger to visit but we must not allow it to stay.

it keeps no record of wrongs.
except sometimes, it does. memories are stronger than we think and you were such a bitch to her the other day, you can’t stop thinking about it, even after she’s already forgiven you and moved on from it. you can’t move on. you keep thinking about the things you said, the things you didn’t say, the things you wish you said, the way you said it, the way you should have said it. you were wrong and you know it, but she still loves you anyway. 

It always protects,
always. when you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking, she will hold you until you can sleep again. when you forget how to breathe, she will put your hand to her chest and remind you. when anxiety eats away at you from the inside out, she will make you feel safe. when you can’t get out of bed, she will lay there with you. when it hurts, she will take away your pain. 

always trusts,
always. when she says she’s going out drinking, you trust that she won’t get drunk and drive. when she smokes five cigarettes in one day, you trust that she will take it easy tomorrow. when she stops replying to your messages, you trust that she is well and safe. you trust that she is not lying to you. you trust that she has your best interest at heart. you trust that she would never intentionally do anything to harm you. you trust that she loves you as much as she says she does. 

always hopes,
always. because the future seems so bright when her smile is all you can see. because she called you up today to talk about name options for the baby boy you hope to have one day. because you can’t wait for the day your home is full of cats and dogs. because you can’t wait for the day your home becomes our home.

always perseveres.
always. because she’s worth it. she’s worth all of the flight delays. she’s worth all of cab services that won’t let you pay with a credit card. she’s worth having to change your plans to see each other because real life gets in the way and you can’t make it, not this time. she’s worth all of the tears you shed because you're anticipating saying goodbye. she’s worth all of the travel anxiety, all of the money spent just to be together, all of the days you can’t be together. because she’s worth it. because you’re both worth it. 

Love never fails.
never.

—  1 Corinthians 13:4-8
(cc, 2016)

I think you know you’re really over a person when you don’t wish anything bad upon them. You’re not filled with anger anymore, and you don’t want revenge. You just genuinely hope they’re happy.

Even if they did you wrong. Even if they never checked on you.

I really hope the people I’ve loved are getting home safely every night. But I’m not up all night wondering whether they did or not anymore.

“how do i describe my girl?
why
she is the sun
bringing me light and warmth
but also the moon
showing me change can be beautiful
and oh,
she is the stars
she is every wish i have ever made
she is wise beyond her years
but still playful and innocent
she can be cold as winter and hot as summer
but she was my new beginning just like autumn’s arrival
she is my fresh breath of spring
my girl…
she is
a dream come true
she is
my happily ever after
she is
home
she is
mine”

(cc, 2017)

Obsidian

A baby is born; a flower blooms.

Two kingdoms are torn and there’s a raging typhoon.

Not of rain or winds or floods

But of pain and binds and blood.

‘Tis not a war of swords, nor guns

‘Tis a war of father and son.


A king, a queen.

One lost, one keen.

Children begat by a belligerent brew

Until one is perfect, and the others askew.


A stunning prince, that he is.

A prince who holds the chill of winter

And a summer sun that splinters.

An ugly prince, once queen sees

He is exactly the boy his father wants him to be.

She punishes him with water of fire

As she curses her husband, the liar.


The prince then grows, all on his own

Finds his father is a warmongering troll.

He fights back with kindness and tact

Silently screaming, “We will not attack!”


His shout is heard

Though promptly burned.

But it still stays

As flame stains.


A confrontation; a crying nation.

A malevolent king and his benevolent kin.

“Know your place,” the king reiterates.


The prince laughs

Tone full of wrath and distaste:

“My place is on the throne

You’ve so avidly defaced.”


hahA 

Based on @kiribakus fanfic, prince & prince!

a stolen glance from you
is the highlight of my day
but i’d never tell you
because i know exactly what you’d say

and i don’t mean to stare
but when i see you, my heart all but stops
my hands go all clammy 
and my stomach is in knots

and i know that i shouldn’t
i know it’s nonsensical 
but i find myself entertaining
these thoughts and dreams, so theoretical 

wondering “what if”
and praying i have a chance
though deep down i know the truth
i’m not the one you’d ask to dance

i’m not the one whose hands you’d hold
nor the lips you’d want to kiss
i’m not a thought that crosses your mind
i’m not the one you miss

you don’t have to let me down gently
i know we could never be
it’s my own fault for falling
for someone so unlike me

(cc, 2017)

i.
his face was the last i saw before the monsters came
and the first one i saw when i woke up
seeing his smile was worth all of the darkness and fear
he is light

ii.
nothing is the way it used to be
especially me
but it’s still him
it’s always him

iii.
it’s dark and i’m scared
and all i want
is someone who cares
who makes me feel safe
i call out for him
the only one who can scare the monsters away

iv.
i never felt safer
than when i was in his arms
he doesn’t realize
he’s my knight in shining armor

v.
everything was so loud
my thoughts full of static
until he took my hand
and for the first time
all was calm

vi.
he always knows just what to say
to make me smile
to make me feel safe
to make me believe that it’s going to be okay

vii.
wherever i turn
he’s there by my side
he won’t leave me
won’t let me leave him
(not again)

viii.
“do you remember the first day that we met?”
as if i could ever forget
he said it was the best thing he’s ever done
not realizing
that saying yes to him
was the best thing i’ve ever done

ix.
to see him cry
hurts more than any pain i have ever felt
and i would do anything
anything
to keep the smile on his face

x.
everything is changing again
we’re a little older now, a little wiser
but two things remain
he’s still my right hand man
and i still love him with everything in me

(cc, 2017)

2

2017.09.04 - Mowed Lawn

Well, i had intended on doing more of a workout today than this, but at least I got this done.  I also moved some furniture for my elderly friend who has had to move from her assisted living apartment into more of a long term care / nursing home type environment. 

Also, here’s a selfie for Selfie September. 

you love people and you lose them and you go your entire life pretending like they weren’t really there.


but they were there. and they were real. and you held them in your arms and called them on the phone every night and pictured a future with them in it.


how can you just pretend like none of that ever happened? like you never called him when you were drunk and begged him to remember you forever.


and now you’d give anything to forget.