MICHAEL SCHMIDT

The apocalypse, a pair of neanderthal-like twins, and an army of miniaturized Chinese soldiers on Mars. These are subjects of Kurt Vonnegut’s 8th novel, Slapstick, which uses a dystopian wasteland as the backdrop for Vonnegut’s plea for basic human kindness. A slew of insane sci-fi elements provide the rules for this universe: gravity comes and goes like the weather, all citizens are assigned a random name and number for their middle name and the twins that serve as the protagonists of our story become geniuses the closer in proximity they become. Vonnegut uses these elements to explore dark themes like incest, drug addiction, the afterlife and human decency.

So join Alex Schmidt and Michael Swaim as they dissect these themes, the plot and the famously terrible film adaptation of Kurt Vonnegut’s Slapstick.

Vonnegut Predicted The Apocalyptic Loneliness Of Modern Life

Things you probably didn’t know about hockey players (pt. 2)
  • In August 2011, Steve Dangle got to interview James Reimer over phone for his first article; Dangle was reassuring Reimer the interview would take only 10 minutes, but he wasted first 5 minutes just by fixing his recording program and then, when Reimer remembered Dangle’s voice from his LFR videos, what Reimer’s wife had showed him, they spent 40 minutes talking about random things.

  • In December of his rookie career, Phil Kessel learned
    he had testicular cancer, but he didn’t play for just 2 weeks, since his entire right testicle was removed immediately. This operation removed embryonal testicular cancer from his body completely, so he didn’t need any more treatments.  

  • While in Boston, Tyler Seguin was criticized for partying too much. So the Bruins arranged a guard to watch Seguin’s hotel room during the playoffs (2011) in order to ensure he didn’t go out partying. 

  • During Bruins’ 3rd penalty kill of 2nd period in Game 3 of Eastern Conference Final 2013, Gregory Campbell’s leg was broken by Evgeni Malkin’s shot. He still continued playing, though, specifically another 55 seconds of penalty kill, skating with the broken leg too, until the puck didn’t get to neutral zone. The entire arena did standing ovation after that.

  • Do you remember “Capitals Story”, the video from Christmas 2014 by Washington Capitals? The video wasn’t even supposed to be made. Capitals had planned to make a short movie instead. The plot had to show a story about two sons (Andre Burakovsky and Nate Schmidt), their father (Tom Wilson) and their uncle (Michael Latta) shopping Christmas presents. However, the reason why they declined the idea, is a mystery.

  • Roman Josi almost fought Taylor Swift’s security guys a few years ago, when Swift (his neighbour then) was holding a house party, he, drunk, tried to enter the house. Seth Jones and Taylor Beck successfully managed to take him back home. 

  • Jamie Benn used to bully and fight his older brother Jordie a lot because he was jealous– Jordie was always more popular in school and girls liked him a lot more. Jamie even knocked out Jordie’s tooth when Jamie was 12.  

  • Brendan Gallagher was so excited about his first NHL season, that he used to greet random Montrealers, in English or French, everytime he passed around someone. He stopped even before the start of the regular season, probably after some of his new teammates told him it was weird. 

  • When he became a Panther (Aaron Ekblad’s rookie season), Jaromír Jágr has transmogrified Ekblad with a malediction of absorbing other person’s age– so poor Ekblad is getting old really quickly now and Jágr’s getting younger. Jágr probably cleared his memory too. Let’s hope we won’t see Ekblad having his first grey hair by the end of this season. 

Even though drugs and alcohol have been a social lubricant since before we could write anything down, we like to think of history as this boring, stuffy museum exhibit where kings and queens drank iced tea, ate flavorless biscuits and had sex like our parents did (they’ve never had sex!). But hold onto your molly water, legal marijuana and fidget spinners, kids: history is as shitfaced wasted as any frat party or music festival, you just have to dig a little deep to find it. Also, it’s hard for high school history teachers to talk about how great Ulysses S. Grant was and talk about how drunk he was the whole civil war. So they just don’t mention that last part. American hero!

THIS WEEK: Jack O'Brien is joined by Cracked’s Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt and Michael Swaim, as well as comedian Blake Wexler, for a deep dive into some of history’s most secretly inebriated moments. They’ll talk about wars that were almost started and wars that were ended thanks to booze, some surprisingly great accomplishments powered by LSD (please don’t try them at home) and the American president who was so drunk all the time, it sort of puts the whole Trump presidency into horrifying perspective.

24 Huge Historical Events That Were Secret Keggers

FNAF Theory: The Big Brother Theory

This Theory will draw on evidence from across the 4 FNAF games as well as Sister Location to argue that Purple Guy might be much closer to us as the player than we think. Warning this does contain Spoilers.

If you use my theory to develop any others please give me credit for the parts I contributed.


Perhaps one of the oldest conceived questions of the Franchise is ‘Who is Purple Guy’? Who is the man who killed the children in the establishment that went onto possess the killer animatronics? In the early games both Mike Schmit and Phone Guy came up as possible suspects, mostly because after the release of FNAF 1 they were two of the only characters we could put a name of some sort to. However, we may have been closer to the mark than we first thought. In fact I will argue that Purple Guy has held a key role and appearance in every single FNAF game as well as the confirmed appearance in Sister Location.

Thanks to Sister Location we now know Purple Guy’s true name to be Michael Afton, the son of William Afton the killer. From this people have begun to reanalyse minigames starring Purple Guy in the previous games and drawn the connection that Purple Guy himself is never seen killing children, only dismantling animatronics. The previously named ‘Pink Guy’ is the only one who appears to kill children or appear in minigames where children are killed.

I think it is far to conclude that Pink Guy is in fact William Afton, the true killer, while Michael Afton his son became Purple Guy and later Springtrap.

But there is plenty of evidence to suggest that Michael Afton has made other appearances in the games, namely as Mike Schmit, Fritz Smith, and most importantly, The older brother in FNAF 4.

Mike Schmit and Fritz Smith are the easiest to explain so I will begin with them.

At the end of Sister Location Michael Afton is scooped and is packed with Ennard who wears him as a human skin until the body itself starts to rot, at which point Ennard either ejects himself or is forcefully ejected by the rotting body. Michael Afton falls to the floor apparently dead, as we’d imagined he would be considering what had happened to him and his looks. But somehow Baby seems to bring him back to life, perhaps, as we know that Michael Afton is Baby’s brother she wanted to bring him back to life after everything she and the other animatronics had done to him, but the power ended up bringing him back forever - a little like Captain Jack Harkness from Doctor Who. He just can’t die.

Now think back as to why Mike Schmit and Fritz Smith lost their jobs.

Both are fired after tampering with the animatronics and due to odor. This almost seemed like a funny joke at the end of the first games, and tampering with the animatronics might have been a reference to the custom nights that proceeded the firing. But in reference to what we now know about Purple Guy it is very easy to draw a comparison that these two Night Guards, we play as, might very well be the same person, someone who is giving off a bad odor as if rotting and has a history of tampering with animatronics.

It seems almost obvious that looking back we in fact played as Purple Guy in FNAF 1 and on the final night of FNAF 2.


However, the main focus of this is to prove that the big brother in FNAF 4 is also another appearance of Michael Afton whose history becomes more tragic as we continue.

It was speculated after the release of FNAF 4 that the Crying Child was the son of the killer, after all his house was right next door to the restaurant, he seemed to have close affiliation with the franchise and in Sister Location we discover that the Crying Child’s house and neighbourhood are all shown on the map, as well as CCTV footage of their bedroom and the halls that surround it.
We also wondered if there was also a sister due to the pink and flowery room that also resided in the house.

A girl appears in the game with ginger pigtails and bright green eyes that almost perfectly seems to reflect baby’s appearance.

What we know is canon in FNAF 4 is that the guy in the Foxy Mask is the Crying Child’s older brother, and in Sister Location Michael Afton is Baby’s brother. There is plenty of evidence beginning to arise in the games that suggests that there is a blatant connection between these three.

Now as we remember the Crying Child, it is heavily implied, dies at the end of the game after battling in a comatose nightmare after being bitten by Fredbear, in what I believe to be the Bite of ‘83, but I won’t go too much into that for now. He is placed in Fredbear as a joke by his brother and friends, when the jaws snap shut on his head.

Pink Guy killed children, but we know that both Baby and the Crying Child were killed by the animatronics themselves. Just two children killed by animatronics, from there it would make sense that they could possibly be connected to the man that killed the children possessing the animatronics themselves.

We also know it is heavily implied that the Crying Child went on to possess Fredbear (Golden Freddy) which is where the biggest piece of evidence for the connection comes from.

There are two words we have never solved the mystery behind from the first game. The infamous ‘It’s me’ hallucination which appears in two locations.

It appears when looking at Pirate Cove where Foxy is and while looking at Golden Freddy, and there is one thing that connects these two animatronics. The Crying Child of FNAF 4 and his older brother who wears a Foxy mask.

If this theory is being followed then the only known person Michael Afton has actually been responsible for the death of was his own brother when he was still just a teenager. ‘It’s Me’ could be the hallucinogenic words that echo when Michael Afton himself is reminded that he is a killer even if he never meant to be. Golden Freddy is the most infamous character in the game that only Michael Afton has ever had to face.

Golden Freddy only appears in FNAF 1 and on Night 6 while Fritz Smith is on duty in FNAF 2. Golden Freddy is an animatronic that is very specifically tailored for this one character.

So what we can conclude is that Michael Afton is a man who is the son of a child killer, accidentally caused the death of his younger brother while he was a teenager, his sister also later was killed by an animatronic, he is then sent by his father into the death trap which is Sister Location to free his sister’s spirit only to be killed himself and used as a walking skin suit, brought back from the dead only to be left in a rotting state, forced to face off against the animatronics night after night as he continues to try and free the trapped souls by dismantling the animtronics, only to end up locked inside Springtrap, killed again, trapped behind a wall for 30 years before finally being placed as an attraction in Fazbear’s Fright.

I mean… if I was Michael I’d be looking for my father too, he’s got some serious explaining to do. 


That isn’t to say this theory is faultless or explains everything.

After all Purple Guy appears in FNAF 4 putting someone into a costume, whether this is the same Purple Guy or another place where we trip over and have to re-explain things I don’t know, but the rest of the theory seems to fit.

This theory also doesn’t answer the question: Who is Purple Guy? As there seem to be no clues to his identity in this.

lol at least the caps aren’t disrespectful and don’t have fans that literally say the worst things about the opposing team and their fans.
stay classy washington, love you always