Lost-numbers

TOP 5 “WHO IS BTS” TWEETS

NUMBER 5: THE CONFUSED

Originally posted by kaiiyeye

NUMBER 4: THE LOST

Originally posted by sugutie

NUMBER 3: THE ADMIRER 

….

Originally posted by loveshob

NUMBER 2: THE SALTY 

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Originally posted by sirtae

NUMBER 1: THE JOINER (Welcome Fam)

Originally posted by myloveseokjin

By @mimibtsghost

→ nudes, not flowers (pt. 1)

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

☆ pairing → Hoseok x reader x Jungkook

☆ genre → fuckboi!au, smut 

warning  public sex, slight voyeurism/exhibitionism, dirty talk, dom!junghope, demeaning names during sex if you aren’t into that, jealousy

☆ word count   → 5.5k

summary   → you’re not supposed to fall for Jung Hoseok and his repertoire of awful pick-up lines – but you do. the problem is: he’s afraid of commitment, and bolts at the idea of settling down. you decide to stay far away from fuckboys, but his friend decides to test your new found resolutions

or : Jungkook wants to see how far he can push Hoseok until he snaps 

→  pt i | pt ii

a/n  → …. why tf did i do this to myself!!! (this is just smut that i had to split into two parts rip)
anyways tagging @kstopping @gxtsmxt @thotmi bc nothing says i love you like a junghope smut am i right



Keep reading

SEND ME A BAD PICK-UP LINE

Go ahead and add more if you want!

“Are you a magician? When I looked at you, everyone else disappeared.”
“I’ve been feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.”
“Can I get a picture of you? I want to show my parents what my spouse looks like.”
“Your hand looks heavy. Let me hold it for you.”
“When God made you, he was showing off.”
“Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?”
“What time do you have to go back to Heaven?”
“Are you a camera? Every time I look at you, I smile.”
“I might as well call you Google, because you have everything that I’m looking for.”
“Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?”
“I love every bone in your body. Especially mine.”
“Are you made of Copper and Tellurium? Because you sure are CuTe.”
“Would you like to have breakfast in bed tomorrow?”
“Are you a thief? I think you just stole my heart.”
“If I could change the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”
“Call life alert! I’ve fallen for you and I can’t get up.”
“Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?”
“I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?”
“Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”
“Feel my shirt. You know what it’s made of? Date material.”
“If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.”
“There’s something wrong with my phone. It doesn’t have your number in it.”
“On a scale of 1 to 10: You’re a 9, and I’m the 1 you need.”
“I lost my number. Can I have yours?”
“Let’s play Titanic. You be the ocean, and I’ll go down on you.”
“Did we have a class together? I could’ve sworn we had chemistry.”
“Do you have a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.”
“There are 21 letters in the alphabet, right? Oh, wait. I missed ‘U’, ‘R’, ‘A’, ‘Q’, ‘T’.”
“If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.”
“Are you going to kiss me, or am I going to have to lie in my journal?”
“I don’t have a library card, but can I check you out?”
“You must be a broom, because you just swept me off your feet.”
“Do you like KFC? Because you’re finger lickin’ good.”
“What’s on the menu? Me-n-u.”
“I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.”
“Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”
“You must be tired. You’ve been running through my mind all day long.”

cheesy pick up lines.

“You know what’s beautiful? Read the first word.”
“Are you flappy bird? Cause I could tap you all night.”
“Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!”
“I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.”
“Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.”
“I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?”
“I bet you play soccer, because you’re a keeper.”
“Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.”
“I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart.”
“Do you work at Starbucks? Because I like you a latte.”
“Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s'more.”
“Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.”
“I’m no organ donor but I’d be happy to give you my heart.”
“Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?”
“If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?”
“You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.”
“Do you have a name or can I call you mine?”
“Are you Google? Because I’ve just found what I’ve been searching for.”
“There’s a big sale in my bedroom right now. Clothes are now 100% off!”
“Let’s commit the perfect crime: I’ll steal you’re heart, and you’ll steal mine.”
“I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!”
“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?”
“I think there’s something wrong with my eyes because I can’t take them off you.”
“If you were a potato, you’d be a sweet one.”
“Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?”
“Are you my Appendix? Because I have a funny feeling in my stomach that makes me feel like I should take you out.”
Does your little brother ask about me?
Or is he use to girls coming and going?
Has he lost count of the number of girls that have passed through your bedroom?
Some nights I still can’t breathe but you’ve replaced me with about 4 different girls by now,
I tried to become you,
Tried to become the fallen angel,
But it only left me empty, devoid of anything that means anything,
I hope that’s how you feel,
Completely drained,
But your probably filled to the brim with everything you’ve stolen from paper doll girls just like me.

I’d like to talk about neighborhood social networks because, I think, they are a very Solarpunk thing. Here in New Zealand we have a social network called Neighborly. When you sign up they post you a confirmation code through the mail to verify your address. They then connect you up with your local community. I am an avid user, I check my neighborhood everyday. So far I have acquired a fridge for myself and a standard lamp for my BFF, and 2 cats who’s Mum was reluctantly re-homing them. I have given away a spare cycle helmet, some bricks I’d ripped out of my living room that someone wanted to use in their garden, and I’ve loaned out my ladder.

People use it for buy, sell, wanted and give away, borrowing items, lost pets, asking for recommendations on tradespeople, lost and found, notifying the community about fundraisers and local events, asking for advice on their gardens, organizing get togethers, finding people to teach them skills and all sorts of other things. 

Last school break a local dad wanted to do a small project with his son, so Mum got on Neighborly and asked if anyone had any timber off-cuts. Dad and son made a bird feeder and Mum posted pictures for the whole community to see. A family who had recently moved into the area, and left behind their giant plum tree, asked their neighbors if anyone had a plum tree in their garden and would be willing to let them take a bucket or 2 of plums so they could continue their family tradition of making plum sauce - they gave everyone who gave them plums a bottle of sauce in return. I’m constantly heartened by the number of lost pets I’ve seen re-united with their people through this network, and I cheer we get updates on those pets who’ve been returned home.

Being able to share resources and knowledge, connect with and help your neighbors through the convenience of an app on you smartphone, feels like and awesome step into the future.

RFA HEADCANONS: They Get Jealous~

(It’s almost midnight, what am I doing with my life. ANYWAYS. It would be so great if someone would request something *hint hint* *wink wonk* because it’s hard trying to be creative. Lel.)

~~

RFA~ they get jealous. V+Saeran included.

~~

Yoosung:

Yoosung has always been a more jealous type. Literally, if he even sees you talking to anyone other than him, he can’t help but feel a little uneasy.

So, he would go to the restroom for a brief few seconds, and when he gets back..

You’re. Talking. To. Another. Guy??

Now, he didn’t know that this ‘other guy’ was a cousin you haven’t seen in a while.

His stomach goes in knots, and he balls up his fists, wanting nothing more than to go push the guy away from you.

Sadly, he is probably too shy to just walk up there, but for a few moments, he tries to gather up his courage to go take you back.

When he realizes he’s just too nervous, he starts to think that he lost you, and starts tearing up a bit.

At this point, you’d be like “damn boi, how long it take to pee?” And start to look around..well, o shit, your cute blondie is just standing all the way back there.

“Yoosung? Come over here! I’d like you to meet my cousin…wait, are you crying?”

“Wha- cousin?! Oh..! Uhm..I- I wasn’t crying..!! I yawned! Aha. Hi. Nice to meet you, (C/N)..!”

~~

Jumin:

Uhm. Who are you talking to?

He is pissed off when he see’s you talking to one of his better looking security guards.

L I T E R A L L Y JUST SHOVES THE GUY AWAY.

He’s probably gonna start getting really touchy on you, (kink) and grip you by the waist h a r d.

Casually starts questioning the security guard as to wHY WAS HE TALKING TO YOU?

you’d get really embarrassed, and tell jumin to stop making a scene, buT HE IS JUST “NO” NO ONE ELSE CAN LOOK AT YOU LIKE THAT?

Straight out fires the guy. Oops.

“Jumin, what the hell?! Why would you fire him? He wasn’t trying to steal me away! I love you, and only you.”

“…Hm. I don’t like people eyeing you like that. That’s for me to do, no one else. ..(Y/N)..you know I love you. I only want what’s best for you.”

~~

Jaehee;

You two will be at one of Zen’s musicals, just enjoying the show..wheN THIS IDIOT JUST DECIDES TO START FLIRTING WITH YOU???

You try to tell the guy, you don’t swing that way?? But he doesn’t listen??

Jaehee goes into extreme jealous woman mode, and actually lashes out on the guy.

“She said she doesn’t go that way. Do you not get what she meant? Are you that idiotic? Do I seriously have to show you who she BELONGS to?”

Will casually start making out with you right then and there.

The guy will scoff and walk off, giving Jaehee the middle finger.

Jaehee awkwardly pulls away, refusing to make eye contact. She’ll probably start nervously running her hand though her hair.

She apologizes??

Nono, sweetie. No need to apologize. You’re a d o r a b l e.

You both end up leaving the theater, just so you can cuddle the rest of the night in peace.

“Jaehee, it’s fine. If anything, I thought it was cute..now, come here and love me, baby girl~”

Will high key melt at being called baby girl.

“I’m glad that you could just put the situation behind you so quickly..but, I’m warning you. Next time, I may not be so calm. You’re mine, (Y/N).”

~~

Zen:

Everywhere you went you seemed to get hit on in one way or another. Normally, Zen would brush it off, knowing that you only had eyes for him.

But oh.

One day. ONE DAY. He’s just had enough.

“Hey, cutie~ I lost my number, mind if I-”

“Yeah, she does mind, actually. Back. Off.”

He would roll his sleeves up, intimidating the guy with his muscles.

“Woah, chill. I was just being nice to the lad-”

“well, that lady happens to be taken. Now, if you ever so kindly..back the hell off, that would be great.”

STARTS GETTING REALLY INTIMIDATING IN GENERAL.

LIKE YOU CAN FEEL THE TENSION.

HE IS READY TO BEAT THE GUYS ASS.

He’s already a big fan on Pda, but ohhh, it’s gonna increase.

You practically can’t be farther than 5 inches away from him from then on.

“Zen, you know you’re the only one I see..”

“I know, Princess. I’m sorry, it’s just becoming so frequent..I want people to know not to mess with you.”

~~

707:

You two will be joking around, and then you’ll probably trip into someone. (Klutz.)

They’ll help you up, and give you a cheeky smile.

DANG THEY ARE H O T.

They’ll pull some lame pick up line, like “oh, you fell for me kdkfkfk ha.”

SEVEN WILL GET SO MAD.

B A C K O F F M Y W I F E???

His normally cheerful attitude is gonna change real quick.

He will get really serious, and pull you closer to him, making sure you aren’t hurt from falling, first. (Or diseased from the guy.)

High key starts sassing the guy.

Starts to laugh, and gives the guy a lil chest bump thing, as they 'make up’

Yeah, well. Seven stole his wallet out of his pocket.

That guy just lost everything, lol.

His money, his ID card, his credit card, business cards.

Oops.

“Well, you got over that fast. I’m impressed.”

“Heh. Babe, look what I got!”

“IS THAT HIS- oh my god. You’re evil. I love it.”

~~

V:

He’s so gentle, he just stands there awkwardly, shifting his weight on a different foot, waiting for you to hurry up.

You were at an art museum, and this guy came up to you, trying to show you the “best art works” there. He started cracking jokes, and yOU WERE LAUGHING AT THEM?

you didn’t know it was bothering V so much, but he was literally starting to tear up?

He wanted to step in, but if you were having fun, and you were happy.. He would stand it.

He actually felt his heart sink when the guy gave you his email address.

“Yeah, email me sometime. I can teach you a lot more!”

You sighed the moment the guy left, and crumpled up the paper, tossing it in the trash.

“What a waste. I didn’t want to be rude, but God..he was showing the worst pi- V? What’s wrong?”

“Oh..Nothing. Don’t worry about me. Shall we go over here?”

HE GOT THIS SMALL, CUTE LITTLE SMILE WHEN YOU THREW THE PAPER AWAY, THO, LIKE SKCIFJFJNF.

~~

Saeran: (Mild spoiler?? Maybe??)

Literally doesn’t like you talking to anyone.

Anyone.

He’s not the kind of guy that is like “oh, you can’t do this, you can’t do that.” But it’s easy to get him jealous.

In fact, he got jealous of his own brother.

“SAERAN~ SEVEN JUST TOLD ME THE GREATEST JO-”

“Yeah? Well if you like his jokes so much, why don’t you just date him instead?!”

Ends up getting in a huge fight with Saeyoung.

Low key starts trying to crack jokes (and fails) to keep up with his brother.

He starts getting so frustrated, thinking he was never going to be as good as his brother. That you would leave him for Saeyoung.

Poor smol bean. You had to reassure him that he was the only Choi for you..in fact, he was the only one at all for you.

“Saeran. You know that I love you, right?”

“Hmph.”

“Saerannn.”

“….I..love you too, I guess..”

“YOU GUESS? IS OUR LOVE IN QUESTION.” (He freaks out a bit when you say this, lel)

“Wha- no! No.. I..Uhm, I love you, (Y/N). I really do.”

Imagine...Dean Using Bad Pick Up Lines

Originally posted by deanandcasstuff

Request: Congrats about your anniversary! Can I request a really fluffy dean x reader where they’ve been dating for awhile. Like maybe one night they go to a bar with Sam and dean uses all his bad pickup lines on his girlfriend.

Pairing: Dean x reader

A/N: I’m simultaneously proud and mortified at myself for this…


Keep reading

the-trashster  asked:

What would the 104th and veterans pickup lines be?

Mikasa: You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.
Reiner: “Do you like your eggs scrambled or fertilized?”
Bertholdt: Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!
Annie: If I were a cat I’d spend all 9 lives with you.
Eren:  Was your dad a boxer? Cause you’re a knockout!
Jean: Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material.
Marco: If you were a vegetable you’d be a cute-cumber.
Sasha: Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
Connie: I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Historia: Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?
Armin: I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?
Ymir: I was feeling a little off today, but you definitely turned me on.
Levi: My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can’t hold it in.
Hanji: Your body is 65% water and I’m thirsty.
Erwin: “You got some commander in you? No? You want some?”
Nanaba: Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Mike: I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met. I wouldn’t forget a pretty face like that.

  • Camila: I never said I was gonna get back together with Austin. But I was thinking, would it be the worst thing in the world if I talked to him?
  • Dinah: No. No, Camila, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All western movies are lost. Number four: You call Austin. Number five: Lauren gets eaten by a shark.
  • Lauren: I'm Lauren, and I approve the order of that list.
Hetalia Characters When They Try Acting Flirty
  • Canada: Hey sweetie. I lost my bear....can I sleep with you..?
  • America: Hey girl. From a scale of North Korea to America how free are you..?
  • England: Hello, darling. I lost my phone number. Can I get yours?
  • France: Bonjour, mon amour. Are you from France? 'Cause MaDAMN!
  • China: Ni Hao. Is your name Ah Beng? 'Cause Ah Beng thinking about you.
  • Russia: I'll be Putin it in you tonight...
  • Italy: Ciao, bella. Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
  • Germany: idk he just flexes his muscles and takes off his shirt.
  • Japan: Will you be my waifu?
  • Romano: Would you like to see my colosseum?
  • Prussia: He flexes his muscles too. Probably winks and wiggles his eyebrows, too.
  • Netherlands: he just throws money at you.
  • (I am not sorry)
ACOMAF Part 1: The House of Beasts Chapters 1-13 (Rhys POV)

Chapters 1-4: Return from UtM to Feyre’s Wedding Panic Attack
Chapter 5: Feyre’s Wedding & Arrival in the Night Court
Chapter 6: Learning to Read
Chapter 7: Returning Feyre to the Spring Court
Chapters 8-10: The Next Three Weeks & Retrieving Feyre for Her Second Trip
Chapter 11: Feyre’s Second Night Court Visit
Chapters 12-13: Rescuing Feyre from the Spring Court

I did a thing. We’ll see if I can do more before ACOWAR comes out. Below is Chapters 1-4 of ACOMAF in Rhys’s POV and above are the links to those same chapters plus the rest on AO3. Hope ya like!

Summary: Roughly Chapters 1-4 of ACOMAF from Rhys’s POV. It’s mostly a focus on the last two weeks before Feyre gets married with summation thrown in on how his time has been since leaving UtM. Includes her nightmare that opens the book and some lovely chatting with Morrigan the day of Feyre’s wedding.

Hello Feyre Darling

The mountains of the Illyrian Steppes wrought a chill through my bones I hadn’t felt in years.

We flew for most of the day, listening to wherever the shadows at my brother’s back directed us, until at last the sun began to set and we landed in a small clearing between the trees.

They were close. Near enough to sent them on the tendrils of wind that carried their blood and sweat through the heavy pine of the woods. Since my return, I’d lost count of the number of rogue Illyrian war bands I’d had to hunt down and confront. And that wasn’t counting the number Cassian and Azriel had taken care of in my absence.

Today’s hunt felt restless. The outcome had been decided the moment we left the Steppes. These primal encounters never changed even if I spent the hours flying faster towards them hoping they would.

A confrontation. An offering of second chances. Bow down and obey - or pay the debt they owed for the blood they’d spilt, the debt for using fifty years of freedom to push the boundaries however they pleased.

The Night Court would need every drop in the coming weeks that it could spare. Petty disagreements over territory, among other things, wasn’t something I could deal with in the middle of a shift that sought to overthrow the entirety of Prythian.

And once Illyrian alliances shifted, they rarely shifted back.

So in blood, they usually ended.

We threaded through the trees, Cassian and Azriel silently stalking several paces out on either side of me until we hit the gap where the band made camp. It was a small legion, perhaps a dozen or so with their chosen lord in the center. An exquisite gash ran down the center of his cheek. No doubt he had been forced to earn his rank, had likely volunteered for the blood bath.

I wondered what they had done with the bodies, if they’d bothered to bury them properly in Illyrian fashion or had left them to rot in the snow.

Their heads turned in our direction as we neared close enough for them to catch our scent, but by then it was already too late. I held their minds steady from the grip of my power long before the three of us cleared the trees lining the perimeter of their camp.

My brothers strode quietly out from the trees, the swords they’d been gifted at the Blood Rite brandished in their hands in an offensive gesture, ready to strike at a moment’s signal from me.

Slowly, I narrowed my eyes on the newly elected lord and approached, tendrils of darkness trailing in my wake, my wings stretched out wide enough at my back to send a jolt of fear down even the toughest Illyrian’s back.

“Do I need to bother asking?”

My voice was flat, hardly even a question as the lord looked me over once and spat directly at my feet. “Whore,” he cursed and internally, I savored the feel of my mental claws dragging through his mind, undoing every last piece of who he was and would ever become before I let his body fall limp and ragged to the snow. I didn’t even wait. Little impulses of pain trembled along his skin and muscles in those last seconds before he gave up and was no more.

All round me, the forest rang silent save for the bitter, cold wind howling my sins in my ears.

Red splattered in harsh contrast against the snow at my feet, large sloppy drops dripping from Truth-Teller’s blade.

Azriel looked stoically at me as if he hadn’t just shed the blood of a half-dozen men he’d once shared camp with. I often wondered how he managed to lock that darkness away so well.

Slowly, he lifted a brow as snow crunched between Cassian’s heavy boots on my other side.

“Rhys?” Cassian said, dragging my attention down to my hands. They were shaking in a near violent manner.

Whore.

“Let’s go.”

“Rhys-”

I grabbed both their hands and winnowed on the spot before they could say another word.

I did not join them at the House of Wind that night for dinner.


There was blood everywhere.

All over the three young fae hooded and kneeling on the unforgiving marble floor, the dagger I watched fall clattering to that same ground, and most especially all over her.

Feyre stood reaching with a trembling hand for the second dagger covered in blood. Her clothes were soaked from merely one kill that shouldn’t have garnered that much evidence of her deeds. It carried onto her hands - her poor, stuttering hands that plunged themselves upon the fae woman singing herself into death’s waiting arms.

Amarantha sat poised on the throne calling Feyre on with praise. It felt disgustingly wrong.

Feyre pulled the third dagger and I knew what to expect as the veil was to be lifted on the final victim. Tamlin would be waiting and then our fate would be in the hands of this small human girl none of us knew. I felt like I was going to be sick even as Feyre questioned whether or not she could go through with one more murder - just one more murder, and we would all be free. Such a steep price to pay for her.

The hood lifted. Silence fell.

The blood stood out in stark relief against the resounding quiet of the room.

Feyre knelt before the third victim - before herself, her ears turned up into two stiff points, her skin smooth and blended into a soft perfection only my own breed possessed. And her body, which had become so long and elegant with its new fae gifted powers, sat strongly before her, beseeching her move forward.

And that’s when I knew where I was.

I saw Amarantha up on her throne because I saw her from Feyre’s eyes and not my own place on the dias where I should have been. This was nothing new. We’d been inside this prison countless times before and always we failed to get out alive.

Murderer.

The words chanted inside Feyre’s mind as a flurry of self-loathing and hopelessness I only ever felt inside myself welled up beneath her skin.

Butcher.

She angled the dagger at herself and my lungs screamed inside of me to stop her as I felt her anticipate the relief that blade could give her. No, no, never -

Monster.

A relief she welcomed, craved even. It was horrifying to watch, to feel.

Liar.

And it killed me to think she could see herself that way, in any way other than the determined, resourceful woman I’d met Under the Mountain who had saved us all and lost herself in the process.

“Feyre!” I screamed inside her mind, as violently and brutally as I once had to stop Amarantha from attacking her.

Deceiver.

But it was too late.

Feyre thrusted the knife into her own chest and I watched as my mate willingly committed suicide before my own eyes. Somehow, it was a thousand times worse than hearing her neck snap against her will.

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I almost lost you...

Expect a number of mini ficlets based on kiss prompts from me over the next few days. This first one was requested by a lovely nonnie -  Captain Duckling and “I almost lost you” kiss. (rated T, 1600 words)


The tip of her silver spoon dips in and out of her lamb stew as she tries to conjure an appetite, her mind too full of other things to focus on the meal before her. It’s been much the same each time she’s sat at this table these past few weeks, eating enough to sustain, but too nervous to indulge - even when presented with her favorite meal of warm brie on toast. He left before dawn almost two fortnights ago, taking with him her heart. The truth of this had hit her like a kick to the gut she received once while learning to fight with one of the Royal Guard, feelings she’s been avoiding stealing her breath as his ship grew smaller and smaller on the horizon. A shakily forged alliance between Pirate Captain and Queen Snow had set him on this journey, his task to pretend to be an ally and ascertain The Evil Queen’s plan.

The man she apparently loves is attempting to trick the most dangerous villain in all the realms and she’s just supposed to sit here and eat food and breathe and - oh god - something’s wrong. Her stomach heaves and her spoon chips the china bowl as it falls from her fingers. Sweat immediately begins to tickle at her temples and along the back of her neck as her own light magic pulses to life beneath her fingertips.

“Emma, what is it?” 

Snow is on her feet and kneeling before her in seconds and Emma lets her hand be taken in her mother’s strong ones, knowing her magic will never hurt the ones she loves. 

“I…I…I’m not sure, I just feel, something has happened…” 

A loud crash and muffled voices cut off her ramblings and soon Grumpy is barreling into the dining room, his face a mask of annoyance as he shakes off one of the palace guards. 

It’s here! The Jolly Roger, it’s back!” 

Keep reading

I’ll be the first to admit I thoroughly enjoy all the “holy shit, Australia” posts that circulate around here but I feel like there’s a very important caveat when it comes to the discussion of swooping season that no one seems to mention.

For those not aware, swooping season is when the magpies start to nest and turn into mini dive-bombers comprised of talons, feathers and spite. It’s not fun. I bled heavily after a particularly vicious swoop when I was a kid, and I’m definitely not the only one.

But here’s the thing: swooping is not an innate behaviour. It’s a learned one. I realised this the moment I moved out of home and began my decade long (entirely unintentional) habit of moving to a different suburb every two years. 

I’ve met a lot of wildlife, walking everywhere as I do. And I’ve met a lot of magpies - hella intelligent creatures that are probably thinking “what the fuck is this chick doing” every time I say hi to them as I walk past.

When I first moved out of home, I automatically started taking notes on areas I saw magpies in preparation for swooping season. It was just the done thing. It wasn’t until September came and went and the magpies in my area continued their quizzical but otherwise completely non-aggressive behaviour that it started to twig with me.

The next few years of moving around solidified my suspicions.

Anytime I lived close to a school or in an area with a high concentration of families with young kids, the magpies would swoop. Any suburb (usually inner city) with a high concentration of childless households and/or share-houses: no swooping to be seen.

And it’s any goddamn wonder.

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve yelled at kids for messing with wildlife. I grew up in the outer suburbs, so there was no shortage of mini-assholes with an empathy shortage. Australian kids will poke anything they can reach with a stick, and throw rocks at everything else. Including birds nests.

Magpies are intelligent as hell, and they remember shit for GENERATIONS. Some human-shaped fucker throwing rocks at them and their nests? That’s something that’d stick.

So anytime you read one of those “lol the birds try to kill us here” posts, remember: it’s not the birds that started that shit - it was the asshole humans.