Out of Something

Nothing’s quite as easy

as pouring coffee into your cup.

‘till you realize it’s gone cold

even though its been “kept warm” by the pot.

How out of luck I am 

or better yet, how out of sorts.

I’m dizzy in this dreary weather

but I’m happy for my new autumn sweater.

I walked along the tourist shops.

I read the paper for a while.

I watched as kids played along

and chased another with sweet smiles.

Nothing’s quite as easy

when trying in this worn skin

‘till you realize bones can break and

nothing that grows older still

runs faster than the wind.

I ache but it’s okay.

Perhaps, it’s all in my head anyway.

I turn around the little bend

and whisper softly,

“Tomorrow. I guess. I’ll try again.”

As if it’s a question…

This room that I call a house has seen a lot
The porch the stage for my most dramatic tragedy
The heat of the moment followed by the hollow cold of being forgotten
The porch where you first kissed me and where you last kissed me
The porch where we sat for hours, long into the night
Talking about why it all happened
Why we broke
Why we were broken from the beginning
This room that I call a house has seen too much
Innocent nights plagued by uninnocent thoughts
The other night I read back into our old conversations
Please do not ask me why I did this
But for whatever reason sometimes I like to poke at old wounds
Just to make sure the nerves there are still firing
And It was so surreal
Looking back on the words that I wrote
That I typed out with my frozen fingers
Did I mean them?
I don’t really know for sure, even now
Did I love you?
I think so…
I think I did in some way
I think I did in the way I fall for most of my friends
I don’t know if you were really my moon and stars and all the beautiful metaphors I filled my emptiness with but I think I did
How strange that after all this time I can’t even really answer that
All I know is that sometimes I’m looking into another pair of brown eyes and I forget for a whole millisecond that it’s not you
I can’t really explain it
Because of course I know that it’s not you
But for one single heartbeat I forget
How many times can I write this same poem?
As many times as it takes, I guess.
—  Nerve endings

▪️Shoutout to people who have lost a loved one
▪️To kids who are told their grief “isn’t as bad” because they didn’t lose a parent
▪️To older people who are expected to not grieve as much/“have it together”
▪️To people who receive comments like “(person who passed away) is in a better place now” and “man I’m glad I don’t have to go through that”
▪️To people who are pitied/treated differently after others hearing about the loss
▪️To people who can’t remember much about their loved one
▪️To people who are told “I know how it feels,” when it’s different for everybody and nobody can truly understand
▪️To people who still grieve long after the loss

I love you all and I want you to know that it’s ok to grieve. It’s ok to be sad, angry, or anything that you feel. You deserve the best.

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