Long Reads

I slip on my black dress and the silky sleeve drips off my shoulder

I paint my lips cherry red, that was always your favorite shade

I dip my mascara brush into a sea of black, and brush it slowly on my delicate lashes

Sip some wine, carful not to smudge my perfectly painted lips

I drink the poison slow because I know there are things inside of me that need to die

Finally I dab your favorite perfume on my neck

Breathe in the scent like its a cure

I look in the mirror at my blue eyes, see the tears in them and say goodbye

You alway loved the way I put myself together

& so I wash it all away

Take a steaming hot shower because you don’t own me anymore

My eyes are still blue, lips still red

But it’s no longer for you

Although there are still words left unsaid

I should have known not to get closer to you.
Your flame, though to her, very little, was a forest fire to me.
I should have known that I would get burnt.
But what do I do?
I ignore all logic and reasoning.
Why did I get attached so easily?
But oh why can’t I be yours?
All I wanted was to feel a little love from you but you don’t care.
And now you’re sleeping soundly, dreaming of her,
And I’m here feeling like my heart was just ripped out of my chest.
Cliché I know, but I finally understand why they say that.
There’s a hole where my heart used to be.
You took it without knowing.
And honestly?
You can keep it.
It beats for you anyway.
- Happy fucking birthday (May 6th)


12 rounds in the Poison Oasis

The actors at ringside lay witness to a bloodless, soulless, third-rate blockbuster script played out in the ring, with two A-list talents content to phone in their roles. The audience has gambled more money to view this vapid spectacle of a gross mismatch than they did at the Super Bowl, and Mayweather preens with the spiteful satisfaction, knowing that only he alone in this arena could gain so much risking so little.

Read the rest from fight week in Las Vegas

Dear incoming freshmen

This is advice from a soon to be high school graduate.
1. Join clubs, sports or anything and everything else possible.
Even if you haven’t played a sport, try going to conditionings and try out. Don’t be afraid to do something you’ve always wanted to do. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
^ oh and if you’re good at a sport you already play and make varsity STFU and just play. Don’t gloat. Don’t run around acting like a hard ass. Yes, be proud, but more importantly be humble. Show everyone why you deserved it. Also expect hate. You will be an upset. Especially when they’re are juniors on JV watching a freshman play varsity. 2. CARE ABOUT YOUR GRADES AND GPA.
Don’t sit around with a 1.0 GPA because you’ll regret it your senior year when you had 3.0 sophomore and junior year and you’re cumulative GPA Is only a. 2.4 because you fucked up freshmen year.
3. Have fun but not too much fun.
No one wants to be known as the girl who lost her virginity in a foursome in a tent because she was drunk or “president bush” because she didn’t shave her vag and sent nudes. (Both of these happened to girls at my school)
4. You don’t run anything.
The thing about being a freshmen is EVERYONE HAS TIME ON YOU. Even the sophomores. Seniors will not hesitate to put you in your place.

5. Yes you will have some of the friends you do now in three years but don’t be surprised if you don’t. People change. A lot in high school. 6. You will do things in high school you thought you’d never do. But don’t be fucking stupid about it. Don’t show up to football games drunk or high. Or leave any house like that. You’ll be the talk of the school and it won’t be good. 7. speaking of football games, go to all the games. Football, basketball, fuck go to the sports that don’t have fans. You don’t know whose day you’ll make when you show up to a softball or soccer game that usually doesn’t have a student section. 8. Speak enough but not too much, people will say you’ve said things that you never did. 9. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t do anything. You wanna be a fucking doctor? Go for it. Wanna be the starting shortstop for the varsity baseball team? Go for it. DO NOT LET ANYONE CRUSH YOUR DREAMS. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU THAT YOU CANT. the best feeling in the world is accomplishing something no one expected you to. (I was told I wasn’t good enough to play varsity softball in high school and next year I’m a starting 2nd basemen for a college team). 10. You don’t need alcohol & drugs to have a good time. 11. Friends who only want to hang out with you when you have drugs and alcohol aren’t you’re friends. 12. ^ Go to parties. Make memories. But again, be smart about it. You’re parents will be disappointed if they have to pick you up from the police station for any reason. 13. Make friends. Talk to people you never gave a chance to. You might be surprised. 14. High school is full of fake people. Not everyone your friends with are actually your friends. 15. Have fun. Go out. Make memories. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
The difference a year can make:

I’m not sure how many of you will read this, or if it’s even relevant. I know this is a super long post but I just want to tell you guys a personal story of the difference a year can make.

A year ago today, I was jolted awake by the sound of banging and someone calling my name. As everything started to come back into focus, I found myself lying on the ground staring at the ceiling in a Chipotle bathroom.

 I had been working there for two years at this point. Long hours and exhaustion were no strangers to me as I was training for management in a greatly understaffed, busy restaurant. Often times I would have to sneak away just to have a few minutes to breathe, but this time was very different. I opened the door to find my manager and another crewmember standing there. Their reaction at the first glance of me was enough to know I couldn’t play this cool. She turned me around to the mirror and I was pale as a ghost, my eyes were sunken in and everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. She told me I had been in there for at least fifteen minutes. It felt like five, I realized I had been unconscious that entire time. (I wish I could tell you that this was the first time this had happened, but it wasn’t, it was more like the fifth. Yet, all the other times I was able to snap out of it before completely blacking out.) I drove myself to the hospital that same morning (a terrible judgment call) where they took blood and made me an appointment to see a heart doctor the next day. I have a preexisting condition called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Which okay, it may sound like a big deal and to some people it can be, but not to me, honestly it just makes my bones ache in the winter (kind of like arthritis). Anyways, this condition can cause irregularities to the heart so they plugged me up with this B-MO looking heart monitor that records abnormal heartbeats. During the process of the doctor showing me how it works in the instance I were to pass out again, I did just that. Five minutes later I woke up to a mob of doctors and a frantic mother, and just as quick as it all happened I felt fine again.

 Within the next few hours of getting home after being hooked up to this little machine, I got a call from the nurse with my blood work results. She informed me my hemoglobin was severely low and I needed to get to the hospital immediately for an emergency blood transfusion.

The next 24 hours would soon be the most terrifying hours of my life. I am no fan of shots, IVs, getting my blood drawn, or just the all around essence of a hospital so my nerves were entirely shot by the time I had even checked in. That night I was hooked up to two bags of blood, each one felt like a little more life was being pumped into me. It was a bizarre feeling to be able to feel blood that was colder than my own slowly being introduced to my veins. I was woken up every 30 minutes to be sure everything was going okay.

 The following morning I met two doctors and neither of them has news I wanted to hear. They sat down next to me and Ill never forget the words “You know, Kelsey, you’re a bit of a mystery to us. You’re the kind of patient who stumps us.”
“You see, it’s not just the fact your hemoglobin (iron) is low, it’s the fact you only have about 30% of your blood… And we’re not sure where it’s going.”
“We honestly do not have any idea how you were able to get up out of bed in the morning, much less all the other things you do” (i.e. I went hiking in the mountains a few days before.)
You know those scenes in movies when someone is told bad news and everything else just fades into this mumbled white noise? Well it turns out that can actually happen. The doctor was going over different possibilities, and none of them were easy to take. He predicted I had a virus that was literally making my blood ells destroy each other, he predicted I had Crohn’s Disease, and then there was the big one… Cancer. After dropping these bombs on me with no real sort of explanation or probability (actually maybe he did, again, it was all white noise) he left.

I was sent home for a week before they could begin testing because they realized the new healthy blood contaminated my blood. I wasn’t allowed to drive or work for the next few months and I spent the next couple of weeks on a mostly liquid diet. I underwent a colonoscopy and endoscopy in search of the possibility of internal bleeding. Everything was fine. Then I went through a capsule study where I was basically turned into a cyborg for a day and had to swallow a camera. Everything was fine. Next I was sent to a Cancer studies doctor where they tool 12 vials of blood (I think this brings it up to a total of like 17 total this entire experience). The blood work showed that my blood contained signs of Celiac but tested negative for Celiac. Most importantly, I was caner free. I think I cried tears of joy for the next 4 hours.

At this point the doctors had no idea what to do next. They decided to do the only thing left to do: Nothing. They sent me home with a heavy Iron diet and Iron supplements to keep me stable. I was so overwhelmed by the amount of love and concern everyone had been giving me. I had people who were sending me messages offering to donate their blood to me if I needed it and people offering to drive me to places while I couldn’t; some of these people I hardly knew. It was all very overwhelming in the best way.

 I know you were probably looking for a story with a dramatic finish, or were expecting one of those horrible diseases was actually the cause, sorry to disappoint if it did. There is something even scarier about not having an answer. This is still something that could very well all happen again.  But I am here to say that now I am here a year later healthier than ever. It’s amazing how you don’t even notice how bad you feel until you start to fix it. I changed my diet, spent more time outside and took the time to not push myself has hard as I did before. Once my body started to feel better so did my mind. I went from feeling so cold, lifeless and emotionless to feeling like I was actually seeing the world in color again. I am in a completely different place. I am happy, in a school I love working towards my dream, I have an awesome, fun job and a such loving family and friends. I wake up everyday feeling truly lucky for what I have.
Anyways, this is really long so I’ll wrap this up. The moral to this story is that when things get really tough and sometimes the closure you expect isn’t given to you, maybe that closure is just to remind yourself of all the good. To take care of your body and mind, take time for yourself, show those who support you you’re gratitude. If this isn’t a testimony of “Time will heal all” then I don’t know what is.

She’s the one. She’s the girl who reads tons of books and loves sunsets. She’s the girl who drinks tea after a big meal so that she can go to sleep nicely. She’s the girl who writes all the time but never shares her thoughts to people. She’s the girl you can tell anything to and know she truly cares about what you have to say. She’s the girl who isn’t afraid of thunderstorms or spiders. She’s the girl that will blast her music so loud even she couldn’t scream high enough to compete with the volume. She’s the one who could sit on a rooftop all night and watch the city lights for hours. Hearing every car go by and wondering where they are going. She’s the one. Don’t let her go.
—  paxadisee
When your fingers traced my skin it would tingle
And to this day I can feel your lips on mine and your hands on my hips
But dammit now your hands are on her hips and your lips are no longer trailing kisses down my spine but whispering sweet things in her ear
And I hope she catches on before it’s too late
That your soul is broken and its like a black hole that sucks out all the happiness after its done
And that your hands are ropes that end up so tight you can’t breathe
And that you are the sun
And that you fucking burn
—  l.k