Long Reads

There were two customers together, I’ll call them 1 and 2. 1 was buying beer so I asked for his ID. 

 1: “What, you don’t think I’m old enough?" 

Me: (internally rolling my eyes) "I just have to ask if you look under 40." 

1: "Oh okay. You can’t be more than… what, 16?" 

Me, a 25 year old who gets mistaken for a teenager like every day: *smiles and shakes head no*

1: "Well you’re too pretty to be 17." 

Having just looked at his ID, I know this guy is 34. So this 34 year old is hitting on me, thinking that I’m 16 or 17. Then his like 50 year old friend comes up and says:

2: "Hey, that’s my daughter you’re talking to.” (No this guy was not my dad, I didn’t even know this guy.)

1: “Well, she’s pretty” 

2. “Yeah she’s gorgeous isn’t she? I like her eyes.”

Me: *internally screaming*

Now some people might be thinking, “what’s the problem, they were just complementing you?” No. They were being super creepy, first of all, and second, they were hitting on me thinking that I was a teenager. This is not okay. And male customers are creepy like this all the time with me. It’s not flattering, it just makes me uncomfortable.

Now I have realized that all the things I did for you, I should have done it for myself. But how could I understand it back then, I was so deeply and madly in love with you or maybe I was in love with the idea of you.

And I tried, believe me I tried to not love you, but oh god the way made you feel, the way my heart fluttered when you looked at me, it was all I ever wanted.

—  Me
You can run from the truth, hide from it, even ignore it. But you can’t avoid facing it forever, anymore than you can avoid acknowledging your own reflection in a mirror. But you do get to choose whether what’s staring back at you is something terrible, or something great.
—  The Mighty
Even if you find
someone new,
to talk to every night,
to hang out with every day,
to share the giggles and
laughter at some
secret jokes,
to walk with and tell
wonderful stories,
I am still here,
waiting for you
to knock at my door
and sit beside me,
like we never missed
each other,
I am still here,
even if you’re not asking.
I am still here,
even if you weren’t
going to be there
for me anymore.
—  ma.c.a // A Promise
Long Distance

If hands
could reach
right through
this screen

I’d rest
your head
my knees

I’d stroke
your hair
‘til you

That we’ll
our hopes
and dreams

This year
like those
now too
shall pass

And though
at times
it won’t
be fast

We’ll close
the distance
our words

Which now
the world
will all
have heard


If hands
that write
could bring
you close

I’d write
to bear
us both

I’d write
until my

You must
you’re all
I need

// A.S
I looked in a stranger’s eyes and I saw a chance for something beautiful. I saw a smile and a shy response. I saw a first date and a first walk home. I saw a first kiss and a first embrace. I saw midnight musings and late-night texts. I saw tears and a hand to wipe them. I saw fears and a voice to calm them. I saw the beautiful things. I saw a chance for love. And it saddened me, because that is all it’ll ever be. A glimpse of what could’ve been.
—  Me (JNH). And I whispered goodbye as I walked away.
He sees her again on a December night. The soft light of street lamps and chistmas lights makes everything look slightly vague, the trees, the buildings - the people. Their faces are all blurred around the edges. But hers isn’t.
Her cheeks are flushed from the cold and her eyes are glowing - those brilliant eyes of hers that once made him feel things he’d never felt before and were the perfect place to get lost in. She doesn’t notice him at first. Her arm is slung around her friend’s shoulder and she’s laughing, loud and over the top and exaggerated, not caring what anyone nearby thinks. Like she used to laugh with him. But then her gaze locks on his and he thinks how idiotic he must look: standing on the corner of the street, staring at her as though she’s the brightest star in the sky, letting other people shove past him and shoot him glares for standing in their paths.
But she is the brightest thing to look at. She is and she always was and he didn’t see it before and he let her go, he let her slip through his fingers when he should have held on, when he should have fought for her to stay. Now all he can do is stare, stare at her smile and her messy hair and the way the corner of her lips turn up when she nods at him. All he can do is commit the sight of her being so happy to memory and to hold on to it. To accept that he’ll never get more than this again, randomly running into her and being glad that she noticed him. Being glad that she found a way to laugh without him. Because it’s all his fault. He let her get away. More than once he let her go when he should have been her reason to stay.
—  The one that got away

I looked through our conversations when we used to be on cloud nine and in love, these were the times you told me how lucky you are to have a girl like me, how thankful you are because you never received such love I was giving to you and whatever happens, you will never let me go. The words you said mean everything to me and it stabs my heart, realizing that these words mean nothing anymore. I can’t help myself but to cry my heart out till the sun has set. The pain is too heavy to bear, the love I believed to be true and different was gone. We used to be over the moon, but the present tells the opposite. This is stupid of me to say but, I won’t deny the fact that I miss you so much. I love you, I still do. But somehow, I’ve come with the thought that I can’t do anything anymore, I need to let you go because it’s the right thing to do. I’ve decided to finally move on and this would be the last time I would cry over you because there was nothing left to hold on to and I can’t hold on to something that doesn’t want to be held.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I was the reason why you let things end. I’m sorry for the terrible mistake I made, I never blamed you for deciding to end this because you were hurt and I understand. I only have myself to blame. But, I was hoping you would’ve understood, that I did it for us. I always feared the day would come, the day you will finally won’t take back the words you’ve said. I’m sorry for the other things that have hurt you, for the things that made you cry, jealous and mad. 

Thank you. I’m thankful that I met you because you have given me a temporary bliss. I laughed and smiled because of you. Somehow, you made me feel loved and beautiful in a short period of time. Thank you for the good days: the days we felt unstoppable like we’re flying high, when holding your hand felt like home, leaning on your shoulders made me feel secure and hearing your voice sound like the angels are singing. It was worth it, being loved and loving you. Thank you for making me realize how capable I am to love someone. You proved forever within a number of days. You were the greatest and worst thing ever happen to me. 

Goodbye. This will be the last time that I will write you a message, I’ll accept the fact that some things are meant to end, even though I used to believe that you won’t let that happen. I did everything I could to make you stay, but I guess your life no longer includes me because, you’re happy now and I can see that clearly. You already found a love that’s all the things ours couldn’t be. I hope you find overwhelming joy by her side, I hope she won’t hurt you and make you cry. I hope for the best for the both of you. It hurts but I’ve accepted the painful truth that I am just a distant memory now. I don’t regret loving you, but what I regret is that I let myself believe that this would last.

I won’t forget you and the memories, I will always keep you alive in my heart. I’ll just get used to not having you in my life anymore. Deep within my heart knows getting over you won’t be simple. I need to stop loving you so I can start loving myself again. You were a painful blessing, but you were also a great lesson. I guess you’re just another chapter of my life needed to end. I still and will pray for your safety and happiness even though I’m in pain right now, I still believe you deserve the best. I hope you find everything in her that you couldn’t find in me. You will always be my greatest love.

—  S.L // unsent last message

I constantly waited for a text, I waited for a call. Maybe even a knock on my door. I waited for a long time, longer then I should’ve. But it never came. Why didn’t you ever come?“ she asked. Finally working up the courage to give him a piece of her mind.

Looking down at his hands he answers, “I wanted to, I wanted to so bad. To tell you how sorry I was and that I’d change and we could work it out. I wanted you back. It killed me to not do anything but I knew you would be better off. You couldn’t last forever with me. I wanted you to be happy, and I knew that couldn’t be with me.”

“You don’t get to decide if I was happy. It wasn’t up to you to decide if you could’ve made me happy. You were my happiness then you were gone. You broke me and you never even said sorry.”

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he whispered.

“Well you did, and it’s to late to fix what you did.”

I do not like this sad state of mind.

I do not like being presented with such nice things, such nice people, such nice opportunities and not be able to appreciate them just because somehow I always feel that something’s missing. I don’t want to keep thinking about what I’ve been missing when I already have an awfully nice lot. I have been living better than half of the world, never starved nor beaten nor bruised. And yet I am sad. I do not want to be but I am. Because I’ve been given the things I need to live but I’ve been missing the things I need to feel alive.
—  Me (JNH). Live, Love, Enjoy. Simple.
Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It is for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It is for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough.
There’s nothing okay with heartbreak. There’s nothing fine with the feeling that brought you the most loneliest and sleepless night. There’s nothing good with those tears you keep on wiping away from your eyes at 3am when no one is around. Feeling your own heart collapsing and falling piece by piece was never a wonderful thing. Do you know what’s okay? What’s fine? And what’s good? Heartbreak doesn’t feel like flying with colorful butterflies, but sometimes it’s okay to walk alone and cherish your own company—for you to be able to know yourself even more. It doesn’t make you love the morning and the sun, but sometimes it’s fine to watch the moon while everyone has gone to sleep. It doesn’t look like bright little stars on the night sky, but sometimes instead of hating the rain, you should listen to what it has to say not with your ears but with your heart and mind. Heartbreak hurts, but it’s always up to you if you’re going to let it destroy you or make you a stronger person. When it’s about your own heart, you always have a choice.
—  ma.c.a // Choose What’s Best For You