If I Fought This MCR Member, Would I Win?
(I SAID in the tags of that post I was gonna do it. I SAID.)
So: here goes. All members of MCR, past and present.
end fight probability: there is a 50% chance that Frank Iero knocks you out.
Yeah, he’s short. That just means he can duck underneath you and you’re left with no idea where he went before BAM! POW! He can hide in small spaces and ambush you. All his rage is stored in a very small space.
He can drag a 6’1” Ray Toro (who has at least an extra foot in hair) into a fight. There is video evidence. You couldn’t do that. Look at him. He’s got knuckle tattoos. That’s aggro as fuck. He’s dying to fight and you’re waving the metaphorical red flag in front of the metaphorical bull.
Your only hope is appealing to his better nature. He has kids and dogs to take care of. It’s not worth it, man. Right? He’s a pretty chill guy. He’d probably agree. But should you attempt to ambush him…dude’s broken like every bone in his body. That means they grow back stronger. Watch it. Don’t fight Frank Iero.
end fight probability: there is a 26% chance that Mikey Way knocks you out.
Whaaaaat? You’re saying. That skinny kid?? With the glasses??? I can take him.. Easy.
Sure. Go ahead. Dude’s got legs for miles. You could be standing on the next block and he could still kick you in the head. He’s probably about fifty feet taller than you. He’s been obsessed with wrestlers since childhood. He always wears sunglasses so you can’t see what he’s thinking or where he’s gonna strike next. He could knock you out cold. Just do it. Fight Mikey Way. I wanna see you try.
end fight probability: there is a 67% chance that Bob Bryar knocks you out.
He’s one of the few not from Jersey. He’s from Chicago, which is also the home of short people like Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump. This weakens him slightly.
BUT he also is pretty built. In every picture taken with My Chemical Romance he looks like the bodyguard to a bunch of wayward emo mafia children. He has the patience to live for years with Frank Iero intruding into his personal space at every opportunity. If you fight him, you’re in it for the long haul.
So while I understand the urge to fight Bob Bryar, don’t do it. Just don’t fight him.
end fight probability: ???????
We know next to nothing about this dude. It’s possible he set stuff on fire. Don’t fight him. Don’t fight Matt Pelissier.
end fight probability: there is a -12% change Mike Pedicone knocks you out
Yeah, okay, he’s muscular. He’s shady as fuck. But he’s also an asshole. Do it. Fight Mike Pedicone. Get a friend to steal his stuff and distract him and you’re all set.
end fight probability: there is a 70% chance that James Dewees knocks you out.
I mean, not only is the dude tall and pretty built, all he needs to do is play the first few notes of Welcome to the Black Parade and you’re crying. Boom, he’s got you down. Preserve your eyeliner. Don’t fight James Dewees.
end fight probability: there is a 60% chance that Matthew Cortez knocks you out.
Dude threw a bike off a roof once. Don’t fight him.
Revenge!Era Gerard Way:
end fight probability: there’s a -51% chance that Revenge!Era Gerard Way knocks you out.
Okay, so there’s a low probability Revenge!Era Gerard knocks you out, but only because that’s not his style. He worked hard smearing the blood on his hands in an artful way. He’s not gonna go and knock you out and mess all that up. It just ain’t worth it to him.
But still. Don’t fight him.
See that dude? That’s a dude that doesn’t give a shit. That’s a dude in touch with some goddamn dark arts. He’s probably gonna cast a spell on your crops and bite your neck. He’ll rip your throat out, he doesn’t give a fuck. Don’t fight Revenge!Era Gerard Way.
Pancake Twitter Dad!Era Gerard Way:
end fight probability: there is -100% chance that Pancake Twitter Dad!Era Gerard Way knocks you out.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO FIGHT PANCAKE TWITTER DAD!ERA GERARD WAY?????? What are you gonna do, take the plate of pancakes he’s offering and knock it to the ground???? What the FUCK. I can’t take you anywhere.
I lied up there. If you fight Pancake Twitter Dad!Era Gerard Way, there is a 100% chance you are getting knocked out, because I will fight you myself.
end fight probability: there is a 70% chance that Ray Toro knocks you out.
DON’T FIGHT RAY TORO. Dude works out daily. EVEN ON TOUR. Have you seen his arms? he could probably knock you out with his glorious head of hair alone.
More importantly: why? Why would you fight Ray Toro? Do you fight rays of sunshine as they fall gently to the ground? Do you fight the first blooming daffodil of spring? Do you fight the delicious cinnamon in your cinnamon buns? If you do, sure, go ahead, fight Ray Toro, but you’re gonna get pounded, jerkface, and I hate you.