Amy. Who is this goodra? That was one of the many things that Weather had been thinking of the last few days. The dragonite felt like Amy could be connected to what was the source of his amnesia, and some answers about what Project Weather Report was. It would also do well to know if there were any other enemies out there would try to hurt him. Was Amy connected somehow? Not knowing was eating away at him.
In the living room, Freddy was sitting on the couch, desperately trying to relax after several days of stress and chaos, and saw Weather come out of his room. The toxicroak was taken aback by how troubled he looked. While he always had a stoic and composed demeanor, there was something different. His eyes looked more glassy like something was on his mind. “You got something on your mind?” Freddy had a guess on what it was about. After what Patton told everyone when interrogated, he knew Weather would have some questions.
“It’s about my memories and what Patton mentioned about Project Weather Report. Just…who am I? Patton talked about me like I was some kind of weapon. I cannot just sit by not knowing who I am.” The dragonite clenched his stubby fist. “I have been lollygagging instead of actually trying to search for any leads. I want to try to learn more about this Amy pokemon. She seems to be important to me. Plus there could be some people that might try to hurt me that I think I should be concerned about.”
Freddy could not help but empathize with his colleague’s plight. Even though there was the risk of him leaving after discovering his past, there was also the risk of someone coming for Weather and not knowing why or how to stop it. “I get your point. It would probably do some good to look into your past. Better to know than not know.”
Freddy turned a sharp gaze towards Weather. “I do have a condition. I will give you three months leave. After that, I need you back here. Not trying to enslave you, just cannot have my flier gone for too long.”
That was a valid point. Freddy had a company to run and Weather did have some obligations to him as an employee. “I understand. I will report back to you every so often in order to give you an update as to where I am or what I am doing.”
“I can accept those terms. Wish you luck.”
For all of Freddy’s business-mindedness, he is quite compassionate at times, Weather thought to himself. “Thanks Freddy.” This put the dragon type in an awkward position: where should he start? “I do not know where I should even start.”
“Seek out a psychic type or any pokemon that could possibly help restore your memories. I don’t know any in particular that could help with memory retrieval, but I know they are around. If I find any leads, I’ll message you.”
There’s no real way to explain this week’s photo shoot, so I’m just going to repeat Cory’s bizarre explanation verbatim: “In the future, scientists believe that ethnicities will eventually mesh into one. Scientists also believe that artificial intelligence will merge with human beings and the two will become one. So today you will be falling in love with a robot."
Got it? Of course not. But bring on the artificial intelligence! For some of these models, the future can’t come soon enough! For others who are already smart, they’ll probably become unstoppable. Can you imagine how high Adam’s SAT scores will be once he "merges” with a computer?!
Cory will be playing the robot of everyone’s affections because Tyra is still obsessed with turning Cory into a non-human entity. (At least it’s a better look than a domestic abuser.) Additionally, the models will be wearing accessories that represent their newfound heritages. Apparently, in the future when the concept of race has been all but eliminated and humans have fled the planet to avoid the consequences of global warming, it’ll be important for people to wear green sashes to indicate that they are 2% Irish.
Not all of the styling is offensive, but come on with this choice. How many models need to be called out for inappropriate appropriation before the fashion world stops using headdresses. It’s a culture, not a costume!
Just because Raelia finds out she is some small percentage Native American doesn’t suddenly make it okay for her to put on a bunch of feathers. At least give her a chance to become more familiar with her background before dressing her up as a caricature. “How,” Raelia. Not as in “hello,” but “How could you?”
Elsewhere, Yu Tsai hopes he can get Adam to loosen up by “punching him in the stomach,” even though it looks more like he’s poking him in the dick. Hey, whatever works.
To whatever strange fetish blog this GIF ends up on… you’re welcome. Again, whatever works.
A lot is made of the fact that Matthew is “open-minded” and therefore more comfortable with posing intimately with Cory. (Keith seems to suggest that Matthew’s gonna fuck Cory on set.) Too bad they choose one of Matthew’s non-romantic shots so they have an excuse to send him home instead!
Besides, if anyone really goes for it, it’s eliminated contestant Ben. This photo basically looks like they’re having intercourse. Somebody knows how to fish for good social media scores!
This sexual liberation stops at Denzel, who is clearly uncomfortable sitting on Cory’s lap. When the photographer asks Denzel to move an inch closer to Cory, Denzel tenses up, presumably thinking that giving another inch might result in Cory giving, oh, five to seven inches back.
Still, we can’t fault Denzel for having a photo that isn’t gay enough when they make the actual gay model, Will, do nothing more than hold hands with Cory. Weak! I can’t help but chuckle at how strange this photo is. It’s like, “We love each other, but we love the sight of our own reflections even more."
Lenox is such a queen model that she even shows up Will on the hand-holding front. There’s something oddly affectionate about the way she squeezes Cory’s robot hands (and funnier still that the editors throw in a gratuitous close-up of it.) In the future, everyone will be pansexual and giving a hand job will mean literally stroking a robot’s fingers to completion. Just avoid hooking up with a robot in a bathtub, okay? That’s a recipe for short-circuiting.
The DNA tests are in… Matthew, you are NOT the father!
Some genealogy dude shows up and asks the models if they remember spitting into tubes a few weeks ago. Tyra helpfully acts out “spitting” in case they aren’t familiar with the word.
“Ohhhh! Spitting! Yes, now I remember!"
Mirjana, Lenox, and Raelia learn that they all have some Asian ancestory. Mirjana says she’s excited to be in the house with two other Asians. Of course, in saying that, she’s excluding the two actual Asians. Oh, but wait, they aren’t Asian - both Adam and Shei are Irish, apparently!
Oh, Adam. Sometimes you make it difficult to hate you.
Next, Matthew and Keith are both pegged as Spanish. Matthew refers to himself as a "Latin lover” with a terrible accent. I’m just glad the stereotypical accents stop there before getting too offensive.
Last but not least, Denzel and Will are told they have something in common. I keep hoping the screen says: “You’re both gay!” to give Denzel a heart attack, but instead:
Damn, those are some specific things, especially compared to the generic “Asian” label used for the three girls earlier. Denzel goes overboard with his feigned excitement at having common ancestry with Will in the hopes that he’ll no longer come across as a jerk. He even shares the news with his beard weave groomer (man, I hope she doesn’t have to put beard weave groomer on her resume):
Her face is all, “Oh, how nice… like I give a fuck.” She’s not alone: no one but Denzel cares about this revelation. When Tyra asks Denzel how he feels about the connection, he calls it “poetic.”
I got a poem for Denzel:
There once was a man named Denzel Who didn’t like gay men too well. He thought losing to one would be a disgrace All the while having fake hair glued to his face. I hope they make him wear high heels in hell.
Tyra also asks Mirjana about her lineage, but she words it in a funny way.
With that reaction to the question, you’d think Mirjana’s response is about to be something like, “Oh, Denzel’s condom fell off, but I fished it out.” In reality, Mirjana says she’s owning the fact that she’s Asian now. Then Tyra immediately plays a clip of an Asian woman dissing Mirjana’s picture:
Ouch! You just don’t expect that coming from family!
Anyway, enough about the other models. This was never about them anyway. This was an excuse for Tyra to discuss herself; since she doesn’t have a talk show anymore, she had to finagle it into Top Model so it would get airtime.
She does a funny walking-and-talking segment on her way to get her results. “People have been asking me my entire life, like, what’s my family history? What’s my this?” Can you imagine what it’s like to have people approach you with personal questions? That would probably suck if “Tyra Banks’s life” wasn’t coincidentally Tyra Banks’s favorite topic of conversation.
I have no doubt about what’s running through Tyra’s veins: drugs. Don’t believe me? Look at how she reacts before she opens the door:
In addition to spitting in a tube, I hope someone made her pee in a cup.
Tyra sits in a strange room with lots of candles and envelopes on a table. She opens the first envelope and learns that she’s 6% Native American. According to the DNA guy, only 1% of people are even 5% Native American, which makes Tyra “very rare.” Quick, someone hide that headdress! I’m surprised that Tyra appears to be zero percent Indonesian. You’d think they’d at least lie and say she was so that she could scream about Bali choosing her all over again.
Then the DNA guy starts revealing information about Tyra’s direct ancestors. Her great great grandfather was a freed slave who owned land. Look at her excitement at seeing that business runs in her blood:
They’re obviously using a family tree rather than spit to look this up though, right? I mean, here they’re naming Tyra’s relatives, whereas Lenox is “some amount of Asian.”
Also, Tyra’s great great great great grandfather fought in the Civil War and was shot twice. After recovering, “he went back and fought some more.”
Let’s give it up for the real hero, though: Tyra Banks. It takes a lot of courage to share intimate details about your background on national television, so I’m sure this must have been a difficult decision for her. It’s reassuring to know that she’s 79% African, 12% British, and 100% Narcissistic.
ANTMFunny: All right, Stiffy Doo… may I call you Stiffy Doo?
Adam “Stiffy-Doo” Smith: That was the critique I got all season, but I was like whatever. It’s Tyra - she can nickname me whatever she wants! I didn’t think I was stiff, I guess that’s just my demeanor.
ANTMFunny: I never really understood how you were supposedly so drunk and so stiff at the same time.
Adam: I was never actually drunk for the photo shoots. That was one of the only things I was actually pissed about [watching the show.] They edited it like, “Oh, now that Adam’s sobered up, his pictures are better,” but I only ever drank in the house.
ANTMFunny: Got it.
Adam: Well, actually I drank before one shoot. Getting back to your point about Keith trying to sabotage me, Keith got me to drink before one shoot where they had hinted that we’d have to be naked. Keith was nervous about getting naked [ANTMFunny: I see no reason for Keith to be nervous about getting naked] so we each did a shot. The cameramen tried to get it on camera, but we hid it from them.
ANTMFunny: Which shoot was that?
Adam: The No Glove/No Love shoot.
ANTMFunny: Oh yeah, that one made a lot of sense.
Adam: It was such a weird time. We walk in and there’s a fishbowl full of condoms, and then there’s Miss J and Yu Tsai talking about AIDS. Next, we’re wearing feathered gloves. I was like, man, this is fucking bizarre.
ANTMFunny: What’s not to get? You’re putting on metaphorical condoms and then having “self-love.”
Adam: [laughs] That was the biggest joke photo shoot. The Cory-bot shoot was ridiculous, too - those two are probably the easiest to make fun of.
Adam: [laughs] Yeah, okay, I’ll tell you the Romeo story. It’s his birthday, and everyone was pretty drunk, he was probably the drunkest. He claims he was blacked out, I don’t if we’ll ever know the true answer to that. He was being pretty ridiculous, he was in the bedroom and trying to grab Keith’s dick. He was just joking around, but he was out of control. [Adam then recaps a lot of what we saw on the show.] The producers were trying to get me to walk away to my room. I actually did walk away to my room, and was like, “All right, we’ll handle this tomorrow,” but then Romeo said something like, “That’s right, you walk away, you pussy!” and I was like “Why did you have to say that? I’m not going to have you out here looking like a tough guy on camera while I walk away.”
Adam: I don’t think he ever actually meant to hit me. They’re very clear on the zero tolerance violence policy. I think since I was not reacting to him at all and kind of laughing in his face, he didn’t think I was taking him seriously enough, and then he just head-butted me. I was so shocked that he did it!… Everyone was very happy when he went home. We actually weren’t sure what would happen – would they actually stick to the rules? I think [otherwise] they would have kept him around for a while just for the sake of drama.
ANTMFunny: Yeah I don’t think they wanted to get rid of him yet.
Adam: Yeah, but they had to; they were very upfront with the no violence thing at the start of the competition.
ANTMFunny: Next question:
Adam: This is from when Mirjana was coming at me for being too drunk. This is when I really didn’t know her and really didn’t like her at all.
ANTMFunny: How drunk would you have to be for Mirjana to beat you at an athletic competition?
Adam: I don’t think she ever could. Mirjana’s not an athletic girl. I think I could be blackout drunk and still win.
ANTMFunny: There’s no event she could beat you at?
Adam: No, there’s no decathlon event where she could beat me.
ANTMFunny: You got flack for not being tall enough to model, did you ever consider borrowing Will’s heels?
Adam: Haha, I don’t think I could have pulled off heels like Will can. I could have used some inches though for sure. I was taller than all of the girls barely… wait, sorry, I’m not taller than Raelia. Raelia’s huge. But when the girls wore heels, I was the shortest one in the competition.
ANTMFunny: We saw you bark and jump around a lot on the show, do you do that in real life, too?
Adam: [The producers] always want high energy. When we’re coming off the bus or we’re coming into the room to be greeted by the judges, production would be like, “Oh no, cut cut! Do that again with more energy!” So the joke was that I’d freak out and go, “OOOAAHH! [does a primal scream] and production would have to say, “Do that again with less energy.”
ANTMFunny: Did any of the girls think they actually had a chance of winning or was it discussed that Tyra would probably choose a guy?
Adam: That was never a point of discussion, but in my head even from just watching the last season, I think most people would think she’s going to pick a guy to win this season no matter what. When I made the house, I thought I had a 1 in 7 chance of winning. But yeah, I never heard the girls really say that or complain or anything. Maybe there was a chance if, like last season, someone like Jourdan is head and shoulders above the competition.
ANTMFunny: Yeah, I don’t think Tyra wanted to give it to her, but then she was like, “Damn, Jourdan has to win.”
Adam: Yeah, she had six best photos. I mean, Lenox had three best photos. If they had continued to give Lenox best photos, they kind of saw the direction it was going in. I’m a novice, but in my eyes, Lenox is an awesome model and after three best photos, they were like, “Uh oh, can’t do that anymore or we’re going to have to let Lenox win.”
Adam: No, not yet, but I am going to blow up the photo of me and Tyra and put that somewhere in my house.
ANTMFunny: Maybe you should put it in your bedroom. Are you concerned that Tyra thought you might be awful in bed during your Fierce Fantasy Headroll lesson?
Adam: I don’t think I was doing that bad at the fierce headroll whatever! The producers also took a shot at me during casting week for my ideal day. I think they said “10:01 sex, 10:03 breakfast.”
ANTMFunny: It was underreported, but it also made it seem like you had sex for six and a half hours between 3:30 and 10.
Adam: [ignoring my tantric sex reference, and probably rightfully so] I was pretty scared of my mom watching that first episode. My parents are pretty good sports, though. They obviously know me, they know I’m fucking around a lot. [ANTMFunny: You’ll have to ask Adam whether “fucking around” means joking or sexing.]
ANTMFunny: Was there really a romance with you and Shei? And is she a better kisser than Soy the bulldog?
Adam: Haha, I think [the producers] wanted there to be a romance since Mirjana and Denzel was all they got, but no. I kissed Shei in the confessional twice, just making out drunk for the camera. There was nothing more. I figure I’m not going to have sex with any of the girls, but I will make out with them. I got Shei, I got Lenox if you count the acting challenge, I got Mirjana also at the end of the [stilt] runway, but they cut that out. [ANTMFunny: With a lamp shade over his face?! I should have asked about that.] Only three of the girls were over 21. I just turned 27. I got family watching: grandparents and aunts and uncles. I don’t need to be banging any 18 year olds on national TV. [ANTMFunny: Cough cough, Denzel.]
ANTMFunny: Did you get “gorgeous porn star” Jamie Rae’s phone number at least?
Adam: You know, I really wish I would have! I got her Instagram though. All of the girls I was laying the groundwork with [in semifinals] were cut before the house. They didn’t show this girl Amanda who was smoking hot and another girl Emily. I think I was on the same page as most of the guys. We were all upset when they cut this girl Kate Up… what was her name? Kate Compton, I almost said Kate Upton. I thought that maybe it’s a blessing in disguise since I won’t be distracted.
ANTMFunny: What’s Miss J like?
Adam: She’s weird… I guess she can be funny sometimes? You know, for the first runway show, I had only watched cycle 20, so when everyone was freaking out at the big unveiling of Miss J, I didn’t know what was going on. I had no idea who Miss J was. Maybe if I had seen past seasons I would have warmed to her character more. There was one point where I didn’t even know what she preferred to be called. I was talking to the camera and I stopped to ask about pronouns. I was like, “Wait is she a he or she? I’m being serious!” and the camera guy was just laughing at me.
Adam: Is she a transsexual or is he just going by “Miss J”?
ANTMFunny: He actually got that nickname from someone on the first season.
Adam: There was a Mr. Jay, right?
ANTMFunny: Yeah, well there were two Jays, so then this uptight Christian girl – well woman, I suppose, she was pretty old [ANTMFunny: Sorry/notsorry, Robyn!] – called one Mr. Jay and one Miss Jay just to differentiate them and it stuck.
Adam: The funny thing is he doesn’t come across as gay really to me! Especially at first, just in his demeanor or speech or the way he dresses. I didn’t know if he was gay or transsexual.
ANTMFunny: I don’t think we still know if it’s a genuine identity or just a character after 21 cycles, to be honest! But I would agree that he used to be funnier back when the show wasn’t entirely a joke, he added levity to the situation. Whereas now, you don’t need as much levity, I guess, unless it’s Franco.
Adam: Yeah, I agree, Franco is definitely the funniest of all the judges.
Adam: Oh man, I share your view on Franco, I think he’s an incredible character, like a gay Arnold Schwarzenegger. He should be a staple on the show.
ANTMFunny: Is he similar to how he comes across on the show?
Adam: He is exactly like that. I was cracking up the first night we were introduced to him. Maybe he’s acting for a reality show, but I’m pretty sure that’s him. If Tyra were smart, she’d bring him back for Yu Tsai’s job next season.
Adam: I didn’t know until someone pointed it out, and then once I did see them kind of… I never saw them kiss, but some people say they did, but I did notice them canoodling. Good for him. Banging Tyra Banks on the side! Classic. He’s the man.
ANTMFunny: All right, what was the single funniest moment of the show for you?
Adam: The hardest I laughed while on the show… can I say something that wasn’t on TV?
Adam: At some points when we’re drinking, they’re just like, “All right, we got enough footage for tonight, we’re not going to show you binge drinking on tv, just go have fun.” So we weren’t on camera and we were playing Never Have I Ever. It was “never have I ever sucked a dick” and the girls put down their fingers. Raelia puts down her finger and she goes, screaming of course, ‘cause she’s loud, “I sucked a penis before, I love sucking penis! I sucked a penis before and I’ll suck it again!” Then, from behind the walls, you hear a producer yell out [in a deep voice] “OH YEAHHHHHHHH!” She got embarrassed because you forget that they’re even there, but they’re always watching. Everyone just died laughing.
ANTMFunny: Is that how we missed the Will/Matthew kiss?
Adam: I wasn’t actually there, but this is the story I was told after: Matt was saying, “I’ve got no filter, I’ll say whatever, I’ll do whatever, I don’t give a fuck!” And Raelia said, “All right, I dare you to whip your dick out.” And he just did it. And then Romeo’s like, all right, I dare you to kiss Will, and he just went over and kissed Will. The next morning, they turned it into a bisexual thing. That was kind of weird. I’ve chilled with Matt a lot here in LA - he parties on my level – and from what I can tell, I don’t think he’s bisexual. But yeah, for whatever reason, they didn’t have it on camera. There’s usually only one camera guy working late at night and if he’s on break or in a different room… If they did get it on camera, they 100% would have shown it.
ANTMFunny: I think so, too.
Adam: There was a lot of stuff like that on camera, though, and I guess they had to cut it out. They could have made a quality show if it didn’t have to be on the CW network.
ANTMFunny: And if they gave up the pretense of it being a modeling show, maybe…
Adam: Yeah. The cast was great, everyone was funny. Watching the show, I was like, man, we had better footage – they could have made this so much better.
ANTMFunny: All right, Adam, thanks for being so generous with your time. Komsayameda!
(This interview has been condensed and edited.)
If any other people from the ANTM universe want to shoot the shit with me at some point, drop me a line: Kevinbabbles@gmail.com