🌚 why you should not be friends with any of the types 🌚
DISCLAIMER: i feed on stereotypes so pls do not be hurt of the feelings
ALSO DISCLAIMER: salt
isfj: every cookie they bake is laced with unspeakable sorrow. you are obese. dudley dursley looks waifish next to you. you cannot move except to raise cookies to your mouth. they emerge from the kitchen with more. they smile.
esfj: they have too many other friends who adore them too much. you are reduced to fighting in the hunger games with all the esfj’s other friends.
istj: they are fluffy friends who care about you. you plan a dinner to thank them. you ask them, “saturday sound okay?” crossing a slot off their planner, they reply, “for 1 hour, 42 minutes, and 17 seconds, i will be at your leisure.”
estj: like an amoeba they absorb you. at first you protest, but soon you find yourself getting brainwashed and drawn, fibre by slow fibre, into their army of mindless minions.
infp: they are super nice lil worms, but have you ever thought to ask them why they always wear that one oversized extra-baggy jacket? the pockets are full of knives. and old grudges
enfp: they become like a sister to you then they leave you and move to singapore with two weeks’ notice. 0/10 would not recommend
infj: they wear so much black eyeliner that you’re never really sure what they’re thinking. which is probably good, because you probably don’t want to know what they’re thinking. (psst they’re reading your mind)
enfj: do you really want to be suffocated with hugs? cause that’s how you get suffocated with hugs
istp: you see them leaning on a graffiti-ridden wall. you say “hey howve you been–” silence. behind their sunglasses you detect a flicker as of some long-sleeping dragon awakening to spit a first tentative lick of flame. you back away.
estp: you are reduced to a sidekick and a wingman, watching with tears in your eyes as the estp takes everything you love. you can never be cooler than them. you will be a footnote in the annals of coolness.
isfp: they wish to understand the meaning of life, and that is a quest upon which they must embark alone.
esfp: you’re not good enough for them. you are not worthy to share the space on the yoga mat which is their sole possession in the whole wide world. that’s it. that’s the only reason
intp: at 2 AM your phone buzzes. you pick it up groggily. the notification from the intp reads: “Remember the Alamo!” you text back “what the fuck”. there is no reply. only silence. only the void.
entp: they trick you into telling them your deepest, darkest secret. then they make puns about it. layers upon layers of puns. onion puns. save me im drowning
intj: like diogenes, they prefer you to not approach them lest you stand in the way of their
sunlight complete solitude. unlike diogenes, they live in a fortified stronghold with a crocodile-filled moat.
entj: their laugh is just really creepy. like, on a scale of one to megalomaniac, RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN