i feel so bad right now
i still can’t sleep because … Idk
i accidentally deleted all data on my smartphone, also all whatsappmemos i’ve ever made or got.
this was all i had of the last months, espescially of us & it feels a bit like something died in my mind & heart
i also have huge problems with my body as well, can’t look at the mirror instead sitting here & hatin’ myself & don’t wanna eat anymore it’s all too much for now, i can’t stand this situation, ich hate myself for being so sensitive & uncontrollable for weeks now, for all thoughts about death & wanting to fall asleep forever & that that this one situation back then, when i lay in bed next to you feeling my mind leaving my body while youre crying still rumbles around in my head…
at day i’m displacing all this surprisingly successful but now, at night, it is all i can think about
about the only thing i want to allow myself to give my body is tea or some soup, about all pain that still tears my heart into pieces, about the guy at trainstation i saw partly in january ; the guy with the heartwarming “hey you beautiful, stop staring into nothing like life’s a huge hole of pain, life can be nice & so you are” - smile i still want to see again.
i really want to stay strong but it’s so hard trying to keep myself alive. you now, you don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, i swear.
and i also know there are a lot of things which send positive vibes, good grades in school, sounds of guitar as well as heartpeople tryin’ to be there for me, and seriously i’m so thankful for all those guys & girls & i’ll keep you’ll in my heart till the very end 💜.
Idk why but i had to let all this thoughts out of my head (& it’s better now, even tough i still feel shitty & sad & too much of body..), however at least i haven’t no longer the feeling of nearly exploding inside, that’s one good thing
I’ll try to sleep. It’s 3:53, omg
reading a bit of j.k.rowling will help a lot i think
have a good night/day/morning/evening
stay strong. i’ll try