If pairs of Bleach characters had to take care of an egg...
As requested by anon. :)
You know that high school activity where partners have to take care of an egg? It’s supposed to simulate taking care of a kid or something. So what if pairs of Bleach characters had to do that? How would they do?
1. Grimmjow & Ulquiorra
Grimmjow: Hey! I was just tryin’ to make the egg feel loved! Isn’t that the point?
Ulquiorra: You punched our egg.
Grimmjow: That’s how I show affection!
Ulquiorra: It’s broken, Grimmjow. Our egg baby is dead.
Grimmjow: Well, nobody told me it was a WEAK egg!
2. Ulquiorra & Orihime
Orihime: You, um, made our egg a tiny espada uniform.
Ulquiorra: Now I will lock it in this room until feeding time.
Ulquiorra: Let us hope that this egg doesn’t refuse to eat. I would hate to have to force feed it.
Orihime: M-maybe I’ll watch the egg for a while, Ulquiorra-kun!
3. Orihime & Ichigo
Ichigo: Wow! What’s all that stuff, Inoue?
Orihime: I-I wanted the egg to get the full Karakura Town experience! So we went to my bakery, and to my favorite donut shop, and to the movies, and to an ice cream store!
Ichigo: So….my plan was to put the egg in a cardboard box….
Ichigo: B-but I can do something else!
Orihime: Oh no, I’m sure the egg needs a nap!
4. Ichigo & Chad
Chad: Why are you staring at our egg, Ichigo?
Ichigo: Well….my only model of fatherhood is my dad.
Ichigo: And I just don’t think the egg will stand up very well to a surprise attack!
Ichigo: Unless I’m selling my poor child short??
Chad: Don’t attack the egg, Ichigo.
Ichigo: You’re sure?
Chad: It doesn’t have arms, Ichigo.
Ichigo: Oh, right.
5. Chad & Nanao
Nanao: Sado, I came to pick up our egg.
Nanao: …and where is it, exactly?
Chad: Over there.
Nanao: All I see is a giant pile of stuffed animals.
Nanano: Did you buy our egg a pile of stuffed animals?
Chad: I wanted to make sure it didn’t feel lonely.
6. Nanao & Kyoraku
Nanao: Captain, I made a list of instructions for our egg care!
Kyoraku: So thorough, Nanao-chan!
Nanao: No napping with the egg! You’ll probably smash it. No giving the egg sake. If the teacher smells it on our egg, we’ll fail for sure. No using the egg for one of your fancy entrances! It’ll probably end up broken. Here’s the other 19 rules.
Kyoraku: I will definitely follow these from now on, Nanao-chan!
Nanao: ….from now on?
Nanao: WHERE’S OUR EGG?
Kyoraku: Napping with it seemed like such a cute idea…
Nanao: CAPTAIN NO
Kyoraku: So….can we get another one?
7. Kyoraku & Ukitake
Kyoraku: You made a tiny sling to carry around the egg?
Ukitake: Yes! On my front, so that if I faint, the egg will not be smashed!
Kyoraku: You’re so ready to be a father, aren’t you, Ukitake?
Ukitake: I only wish it could eat candy!
8. Ukitake & Rukia
Rukia: And remember, captain. Even if the egg seems to WANT to sacrifice itself, we really need to keep it “alive.”
Ukitake: And you remember that eggs do not like to be stabbed, so matter how powerless it seems.
Rukia: I’ll remember that!
Ukitake: I feel like we’ll do fine.
9. Rukia & Renji
Rukia: THE EGG DIDN’T WANT TO SLEEP IN A TREE, RENJI
Renji: YOU DON’T KNOW THAT
Rukia: IT FELL ON KIRA’S HEAD, RENJI
Renji: SO WE AGREE THAT THIS IS ALL KIRA’S FAULT, THEN
Kira: Guys, I really want to go wash my hair.
10. Renji & Byakuya
Renji: Um…are you gluing tiny hairpieces on that egg, captain?
Byakuya: My clan was concerned that this egg had peasant origins. This is to reassure them.
Renji: You asked your clan about the egg?
Byakuya: They can be very fussy, Renji.
11. Byakuya & Yoruichi
Yoruichi: Byakuya-boy, catch!
Byakuya: DEMON CAT NO
Byakuya: ….this is a ball.
Yoruichi: Like I’d throw our egg baby at you from a hundred feet away, Byakuya-boy!
Byakuya: But you…I….
Yoruichi: This is gonna be fun for sure!
12. Yoruichi & Soi Fon
Soi Fon: So anyway, I thought our egg had potential as a ninja.
Soi Fon: So I strapped a tiny camera to its head and hid it in the snow. It blends in really well! Just like a NINJA
Yoruichi: You lost our egg, didn’t you?
Soi Fon: M-my ninjas will find it!
Soi Fon: You should be proud it’s so good at hiding!
Yoruichi: Soi Fon…
13. Soi Fon & Urahara
Urahara: Soi Fon, look!
Urahara: Tessai made our egg a tiny hat that looks just like mine!
Soi Fon: …
Soi Fon: BANKAI
Urahara: SOI FON NO
14. Urahara & Aizen
Aizen: Oops I smashed our egg with my massive, massive spiritual pressure.
Urahara: Oh, don’t worry! That’s not our REAL egg!
Urahara: Our real egg is hidden in a very secret place, so you don’t smash it to spite me!
Aizen: It’s inside Kuchiki Rukia, isn’t it?
15. Aizen & Shinji
Shinji: Aizen, I got this. The egg is totally fine.
Shinji: You don’t have to follow me everywhere.
Aizen: I’m not following you.
Shinji: He says from directly behind me.
16. Shinji & Hiyori
Shinji: It was just a pun, Hiyori.
Hiyori: “If we lose, we’ll have egg on our face” is a stupid pun!!
Shinji: It shouldn’t have made you so mad!
Hiyori: It was a REALLY stupid pun!
Shinji: Well, I think that shouting, “HAVE SOME EGG ON YOUR FACE, BALDY” was a bit much, especially the part where you SMASHED OUR EGG INTO MY FACE
Hiyori: I’m telling the teacher you broke it. With your head.
(The actual request was for the arrancar speaking only Spanish *and* the Quincy speaking only German but, well, that turned out to be way too much for a single list. So I’m just doing the arrancar - forgive me! )
The arrancar may be based in Spanish motifs and the Quincy in German, but in actual practice everybody in Bleach speaks the same language. It’s simpler that way. But what if the arrancar actually spoke nothing but Spanish? How would Bleach be different then?
And a BIG, BIG THANK-YOU to quierosernauha, who helped this non-Spanish speaking blogger craft some actual Spanish for this list! Forgive me if there are still errors - I tried to incorporate all of her advice, but as a layman myself, I probably still managed to mess it up!
1. Ichigo would be way more confused when the espada first showed up.
The espada first showed up during a - difficult time in Ichigo’s life. He’d just come back from Soul Society. He was having inner hollow problems. He was turning super emo. And then Ulquiorra and Yammy showed up and Ichigo did not know how to deal with giant monsters who were hollow but carried zanpakuto. This confusion and despair would only be multiplied if they also spoke some strange language he did not understand.
Ulquiorra: Hola, yo soy Ulquiorra y este es Yammy.
Ichigo: S-since when do the bad guys speak French?? Chad (weakly, from the ground): Actually, Ichigo…
2. Chad would be the only one who could communicate.
Chad went to Mexico at a young age, and was partially raised by his grandfather. It seems highly likely that Chad at least can speak Spanish.
Chad: Ichigo! I can help fight!
Ichigo: Chad, no! You’re still injured from the last time! You should go home and -
Ichigo: Actually wait can you come and tell me what the hell these arrancar guys are saying?
Chad: You want me to be your…translator?
Ichigo: Have I made it weird?
3. Ulquiorra’s ultimatum speech would fall flat.
Because it’s hard to threaten and intimidate the woman you’re trying to kidnap if she cannot, in fact, understand that you are giving her an ultimatum.
Ulquiorra: No haga ninguna pregunta, no tiene ningún derecho. Lo que tiene en sus manos es la cuerda que sostiene guillotina sobre el cuello de sus amigos, nada más. Comprenda mujer. Esta no es una negociación, es una orden.
Orihime: Um….can you use pictures or gestures or something?
Ulquiorra: Definitivamente le voy a enseñar español.
4. Ulquiorra would teach Orihime Spanish.
Because not being able to ask her all of his nagging heart questions and/or psychologically torment her would just drive him nuts.
Ulquiorra (points at his head): La cabeza.
Orihime: La cabeza.
Ulquiorra (holds up his hand): La mano.
Orihime: La mano.
Ulquiorra (throws up hands in existential despair): El corazón?????
Orihime: Um…..you lost me there.
Ulquiorra: Ya sé, ¿no?
5. Aizen would speak Spanish; Tosen and Gin less so.
Aizen, of course, would want to communicate with his employees. So he would speak perfect Spanish. Gin would learn only as much Spanish as it took to speak brokenly with Luppi. Tosen, on the third (?) hand…
Tosen: I believe that justice is the universal language.
Tosen: Watch as I use justice to communicate.
Tosen: [cuts off Grimmjow’s arm and burns it in front of him]
Grimmjow: ¡Te destruiré!
Tosen: I believe he understands.
6. Nel and Ichigo would still travel together.
I like to think that, despite Nel and Ichigo not being able to communicate very well, that she would still decide that he’s awesome and travel with him. And he, although confused, would naturally choose to protect the tiny hollow child that has fallen into his life.
Ichigo: Guys! Guys! The tiny French-speaking hollow kid is following us!
Chad: Ichigo, seriously.
7. Ulquiorra’s final speech.
Would, at the very least, be understood by Orihime, who has since learned at least some Spanish. Ichigo and Ishida, though, would remain confused.
Ulquiorra: El corazón está aquí, en mi mano.
Ichigo: Why was he looking at his hand? Did he lose a contact lens?
Ichigo: I just never know what’s going on here!
8. Nobody would understand what the espada represent.
A lot of the fake Karakura Town fight was taken up with shinigam and espada chatting - at least in canon Bleach. The espada made threats, introduced themselves, and of course explained the aspects of death they represented. That would all be lost due to translation difficulties.
Barragan: No entiendes, cada uno de Los Esapda representa un aspecto de la muerte.
Omaeda: What is he saying, Captain?? Is he threatening us????
Soi Fon: What does it matter? We are here to kill him, no matter what he says.
Aizen: All my hard work assigning each espada an aspect of death. Wasted.
9. Except for Kyoraku.
I don’t exactly know why, but I like to think Kyoraku would be the one guy in the Gotei-13 who knows Spanish. Mainly because he’s surprising that way.
Starrk: Es solitario pelear con alguien que no habla español.
Kyoraku: ¿Ah, si? ¿Prefieres hablar que pelear?
Starrk: Usted es un hombre sorprendente.
10. Fights would involve a lot of body language.
Sure nobody but Chad and Kyoraku (and Orihime, post lessons) would be able to actually understand what the arrancar were saying, so Ichigo and the others would have to go solely by body language. Which, for the most case, would not make fights all that different.
Bleach characters tend to save their tears for the most dramatic of moments. Often hands and knees are involved. Rain too, sometimes. But for this list, we will imagine something more mundane - the lieutenants have begun to cry in front of their captains. How will their captains respond?
Sasakibe: [is crying]
Yamamoto: I will go put some tea on.
2. Soi Fon
Omaeda: [is crying]
Soi Fon: We do not cry in Squad 2, Omaeda.
Soi Fon: Remove your leaking bodily fluids from my vicinity immediately.
Soi Fon: Before I do it for you.
Kira: [is crying]
Rose: Yes, Izuru, let it out! My guitar often weeps in just this way! Raw emotion is a thing to be embraced, not shunned!
Rose: Your tears are poetry!
Rose: N-not that I like your tears, of course!
Rose: Although, I mean, if you wanted to express your feelings in verse form, we could talk later about musical accompaniment.
Rose: But for now maybe I’ll just give you this tissue and hope you’ll stop glaring at me.
Isane: [is crying]
Unohana: [sits down next to Isane]
Unohana: [puts arm around]
Isane: T-thank you…
Hinamori: [is crying]
Shinji: So you’re crying, huh?
Shinji: H-hey, did you ever hear the one about the hollow that wanted to be a saxophone player??
Hinamori: [is crying harder]
Shinji: Not the time, huh.
Byakuya: [opens mouth]
Byakuya: [closes mouth]
Byakuya: Would throwing my scarf at you help in any way?
Iba: [is crying]
Komamura: Iba, please forgive me! I…I….
Komamura: I AM A SYMPATHETIC CRIER
Komamura: [begins to howl]
Nanao: [is crying]
Kyoraku: Nanao-chan! Are you hurt? Are you stressed? Are you mad? Is this a hugging situation?
Nanao: [glares while crying]
Kyoraku: T-that’s a fierce look, Nanao-chan!
9. Kensei (with Mashiro)
Mashiro: [is crying]
Kensei: ENOUGH WITH THE TANTRUMS ALREADY
Kensei: YOU ARE A LIEUTENANT NOT AN OVER-SUGARED THREE-YEAR-OLD
10. Kensei (with Hisagi)
Hisagi: [is crying]
Kensei: Deja vu.
Matsumoto: [is crying]
Hitsugaya: I’ll come back later.
Hitsugaya: Wait what are you doing?
Hitsugaya: NO STOP HUGGING ME
Yachiru: [is crying]
Kenpachi: Hey. What is this? Are you hurt?
Kenpachi: Who do you need me to kill?
Nemu: [is crying]
Kurotsuchi: Stop crying, you dolt.
Kurotsuchi: I made you better than this.
Rukia: [is crying]
Ukitake: [returns with a box of tissues, a fuzzy blanket, hot chocolate, and some candy]