Kiora Atua and Why I Don't Like Her

Merfolk are smug.  I’m not being racist!  If there’s one thing that pisses me off in this multiverse it’s these races that decide that the others are blights on their eyes and start killing everyone, or they enslave others because they’re just so much smarter than everyone else…  But smugness is a minor atrocity that the vast majority of Merfolk I’ve encountered have been committing for most of their lives.

This girl, Kiora Atua?  No exception!  The reason you pretty much never hear about her is because MOST apocalyptic situations are completely beneath her.  We’re always like, “Hey, Kiora, some ancient evil is tearing up Vesuva!” and she’ll be all, “Is the ocean in danger?”  It pretty much never is.  "Not interested.“

Surprisingly enough…  This rarely comes up.  But when it does, you better not ask her any questions.  Y'know…  It’s not as if we live on land and underwater culture is completely foreign to us or anything.  She always takes on this condescending tone.  "Oh, you don’t know how to address Cephalids at breakfast time?”  It doesn’t help that underwater culture is EXTREMELY confusing!

Ms. Atua hung out with us once.  And only once.  Right after she snarkily helped us stop some completely unfathomable leviathan that defied ALL Reason down on New Alara(n waters), she accepted our invitation to check out the Festival of the Guildpact that year.  Sorin, Elspeth and I are huge fans of the inter-guild Theatrical Presentations.  Nearly all of them are so bizarre and masturbatory that it’s ridiculous.

The Boros show, “The Law is Your Friend,” went on right before the charming Cult of Rakdos’s production of, “Bloodfuck Cuntsplosion: Shit Orgy’s Rapevenge”  Which, frankly was one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen in my entire career as a Planeswalking superwizard.  But during practically every show, Kiora would be mumbling about how terrible everyone on land does stuff, criticizing practically everything that would happen onstage.  Even during the Golgari show, “Lifedied” which she CLEARLY didn’t understand.

I wanted to be polite, but apparently she was disturbing Sorin enough for him to shush her.  This set her off.  "YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW DARK MY DREAMS ARE!“  The local Ravnicans shushed her too.  "NO!  YOU SHUSH!  SHHHHHHH!  SHHHHHHH!”  she responded.  Of course she had to interrupt the Azorious production of, “The Greatest Riddle,” during the climax.  I never learned the answer and it bothers me to this day.

The next time we asked her if she wanted to do stuff with us, she just made some snide comment about how land-dwellers are uncultured or something.  God, what a bitch!


I figured since she was like…  The only other person I’ve heard of who deals with both Blue and Green mana that she’d be nice and we’d get along…  No such luck.  Ridiculous mean.  We’re pretty lucky Chandra can’t really help us underwater because with her self-esteem issues?  Whoo!  We’d be in for a drama llama…

Whatever.  It happens.  Not everyone can be cool…