Kill or be killed

  • Me: *writes one line in a supposedly 6 page essay*
  • Me: "yep that's good enough, I've worked hard. I deserve chocolate, a scroll through tumblr and a read through a new fan fiction"
Our DM regrets everything

So our level 7 party was hired by a king to get an object from a dragon’s lair in exchange for an items that was part of one of our party member’s personal story quest. We got into the blue dragon’s lair, killed it’s children, then waited ambush style for it to get home. The fight basically went like this:

DM: The blue dragon flies into its lair

Party: Surprise Round!

DM: Yup… Surprise Round

Sorcerer: Hey, do you two want 150ish hitpoints and to hit like a fighter twice your level?

Bard: Sure

Fighter: Sure

Sorcerer: I use twin spell to cast polymorph on both of them. They’re both giant apes now

The party proceeded to beat down the dragon while one giant ape beat on it and the other grappled it to the ground. We then leveled, got 100,000gp each, and got magic item loot from the dragon’s hoard. Our dual-classed Arcane Archer Kensai Monk (basically Zen archer for 5e) got the Oathbow.

A few encounters later, our party is now level 8. As a level 8 party of 7 characters we decide to fight the Pit Fiend in front of us instead of run away. Here’s how that fight went:

DM: The Pit Fiend hasn’t noticed you yet.

Party: Surprise Round!

DM: Yup… Surprise Round

Sorcerer: Who wants to be giant apes?

Bard: Sure

Fighter: Sure

Sorcerer: I do the thing.

The party then proceeds to fight the Pit Fiend. The Pit Fiend knocks the bard out of giant ape form and knocks him unconscious, and the fight is getting pretty rough. That’s when our SuperArcher decided this had gone on for too long…

Archer: So it’s taken 5 rounds of great apes, paladin smites, chromatic orbs, and oathbow shots right?

DM: Yup

Archer: Alright. This combat is taking too long. Action Surge, Sharpshooter on all four attacks, that’s 22, 23, 21, and 21 to hit?

DM: They all hit

Archer: That’s 1d8+3d6+15 four times… 

DM: *proceeds to close his Monster Manual and start folding up his DM screen*

Archer: That’s 112 magical piercing damage total.

DM: You all triple level… yay…

Isn’t Isak a great friend? He reaches out to Sana because he knows something’s up. He sees Sana looking at Sara and the girls, so he tells her something that makes Sana know she’s been right about Sara all along – but without pushing. And then when he feels the conversation won’t go anywhere like that, he asks her a safe question about biology, tells a joke and leaves with a warm smile on his face. He’s the nicest guy.

Our session have one human, a elf and a orc, the human is a jerk, the female elf and the orc are bffs.

The god of chaos cursed the party orc and human with a “soulmate spell” that makes one get damaged when the other do, but they hate each other and in the middle of a mission where we need the elf to try to be cute to lure a cult of fanatics of the bealty god and get a item to summon the god of chaos to take of the curse they do it.

Human: You are the most bealtiful elf of the ugly ones.

Elf: If it wasn’t for the spell I would have already punched you.

Orc: I will revenge my friend! I roll to punch the human.

DM: you know you receive damaged when he is attacked, right?

Orc: I ROLL TO PUNCH THE HUMAN.

Human: *don’t manage to dodge*

Orc: *roll nat 20*

DM: The orc punches the human with all his rage and fury, instantly killing him and also dying.

but can we talk about holt for a second

this is his son - he literally thinks of jake as a son. and that son, whom he’s mentored and nurtured for four full seasons, through defiance over ties and even a stint in witness protection, has been unfairly convicted of a crime holt *knows* he didn’t commit because he was trying to help him make the bust. now that son, a damn good cop according to everyone who knows him, is going to prison. his prize mentee is in love with his son, and they’ve just been sentenced to a 15 year separation. and holt has to watch, knowing that the police system he fought to make better is still deeply flawed and having to come to terms with the fact that as a cop, he just couldn’t do enough to stop this. 

anyways come find me dead on the floor

2

@makaylamashelle

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Context: We just finished fighting six animated suits of armor and began to inspect them.

Wood Elf(OOC): Can we wear the armor?
DM: I… need to check the players handbook.
Half-Orc(OOC): I mean those things were really hard to hit they had an 18 AC
Wood Elf(OOC): oh hey can we just wear the dead corpses of these things we just killed