Brief: Chanyeol is
in the state of ruins after you had gone. He reads your letter to
him, written the night before you passed.
scrunched his unkempt hair in his fists, yelling, screaming, kicking
as he entered the room that you both shared. He roughly loosened his
black tie and undid the first few buttons of his black shirt,
throwing himself on the bed. Black circles down to his chin, sad,
tired eyes, dry, chapped lips and tear stains on his face…
Chanyeol’s appearance told the story. In his hands – the memorial
card and a white, enclosed envelope with his name written neatly on
the front. His breaths increased in instability and frequency as he
tore the envelope, taking out a hand-written letter with his
Chanyeol, if you’re
in the position where you are sitting on our bed, in endless floods
of tears, attempting to read this, I must firstly and foremostly
apologise. I apologise for the pain you’re currently being pounded by
and for the upcoming pain that I have learnt from experience,
destroys those close the most. But please, I beg of you, rest
assured. I am in a better place now.
I am happier than I
ever would have been, had I still been living and breathing, walking
and talking. Know that I love, appreciate and truly cherish you, and
have from the first day our eyes met across the cafe. I’ll treasure
our memories together and guard them with all I have, just like how
you did with me. I cannot thank you enough. For making me happy,
caring for me, laughing with me, crying with me and most of all,
loving me. I hope the memories I have had the time of my life
creating with you will be enough to pull you through this. I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for being
so selfish; I left you alone in this world when we promised that we’d
always be there for each other, no matter what. I’m sorry you had to
let me go this way.
Please smile. And
continue doing so. Your smile lit up my world and I would feel
terrible if anyone was deprived of your spark. I know you’re in agony
and I know you won’t know how to accept this or how to handle it but
if you want to make me happy in return, I only ask of one, final
thing from you.
Move on. Keep your
head held high and your chin up and move on. Forget about me. Forget
I ever existed and move on. Find someone who wouldn’t put you in a
position like this and cherish them with all you have. Find someone
who can make you truly happy, someone who lives to see you smile and
hear you laugh. Be the shining happy virus you have always been.
I’ll always be with
you, whether you know it or not and I’ll always love you. Please.
Don’t ever forget that you’re loved. So when you’re forced to go
through my belongings and pictures of us, don’t cry… smile that
smile I love so dearly. I wish you all the best. I know you will come
to be a great husband and father.
I’ll always love
How could Chanyeol smile now that you were gone? He hasn’t smiled for
days, refusing to meet people, go out or even talk to his own members
and family. All he had been doing was lying in the bed that you both
shared. Your side of the bed still smelt like you and he was not
ready to let you go yet. Given the choice, he would never let you go.
He didn’t want to move on or forget you. The time he spent with you
was the happiest he had ever been. He wouldn’t trade his time with
you for anything the world had to offer.
did you know, Chanyeol blamed himself for your death. Failing to
realise how you were truly feeling and unable to talk to you due to
his schedule, he assumed you were doing fine. He kept beating himself
up, telling himself ‘if you paid more attention, she wouldn’t be
gone. She would still be here. You are the one who is responsible for
her death. You couldn’t even look after the love of your life and you
have the nerve to be crying.’ You had never once blamed him for
the way you felt. It wasn’t his fault. Even if you could tell him
that now, he would be blinded by his rage and frustration with
cries and sobs grew louder as he zoned out of reality, memories of
the pair of you flashing before his very eyes. 'Would it be better
if I joined her?’ The dates you went on, songs you wrote
together, jokes you shared… they all replayed in his mind, one
after the other on repeat.
tried. He tried to force the corners of his lips up into a smile. All
he ever wanted to do was to make you happy and he had failed that.
This was his last attempt in doing so. To show you how much he really
loved you, just in case you were in any doubt. 'She told me to be
happy. To smile. Fulfilling that is the least I can do on her
mouth form a weak crescent, before falling almost immediately as more
tears fell like waterfalls down his face.
know, your smile can light up anyone’s life. You should really smile
more!” Your words echoed in his mind.
//I’m back! Thank you all for sticking with me - revision is really an ass, I’m beat. T_T Sorry for this super freaking angsty scenario ahaha:) -RGY.\\
soooo uh it turns out our leaseholder for our place is a raging alcoholic and has been lying to us about our room mate’s payments and loses our payment slips/forgets and accuses us of not paying…..we’re working out trying to find another place but right now we can’t afford an actual move…..if you can donate to firstname.lastname@example.org, please do, we have to avoid being at our own home now because of how bad he’s gotten and we are so tired
I want to cry and scream until my lungs hurt or I run out of tears. I want to throw things until they break and punch walls until I can no longer feel my hands. I want to kick down my door or throw myself onto the floor until my body stops shaking. I have so many pent up emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, betrayal. I want to hurt everything because everything is hurting me.
but all i’m going to do is pretend that everything is fine ( 11:15 )
Funny story: I promised myself this go ‘round that I was under no circumstances going to analyze the Holby City: Winter Trailer. At all. I was going to be very mature and watch the Trailer one time like all the normal people in the GA general audience who have watched it the way it was meant to be viewed. Once. And that was going to to be that.
Apparently the actual, literal translation of I’m not going to analyze the Holby City Winter Trailer this time around is: Imma gonna watch that sucker 75 times, backwards and forwards, in slow motion, frame by frame, screenshot Serena’s scenes, catalogue and label blouses, earrings, hair-line and makeup, cross reference with spoilers and official synopses and a preview video to come up with some ideas. Forget one theory. I’ve got six. I could blame @nicolaruth27 because she tagged me this morning and asked for some CSI level investigation, but that would be unfair as we all know I would have done this anyway. In any case I’m shoving it all under a read-more, mostly to save my six, I can’t believe you’re hanging in you precious people followers who don’t watch Holby City and obsess over Serena and Bernie and anyone else in the tag who simply like to watch the pretty gifs and have no use for the rambling prognostications of the obsessed theories.
And quite suddenly I miss you like hell. This is ridiculous, I say, because a few mere moments ago you were hardly even a memory, forgotten entirely- almost, maybe, perhaps. And yet here you are, dragging words, kicking and screaming from me in the middle of the night.