Kevin Sounds Fantastic Murphy

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Rifftrax: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982/2014)

From Rifftrax

And the 80s said, “let there be fantasy movies,” and there were fantasy movies, and they were good. Well, they weren’t really. But lo, raise thy flagon to the 80s, for through the mists of legendry* (*actual phrase from the movie) they bring us The Sword and the Sorcerer!

Before George R.R. Martin ever Gamed a Throne,The Sword and the Sorcererhad a witch bringing forth a hideous monster, a noble family of good guys getting wiped out, and even a Red Wedding! Or at least a Magenta Wedding. It also has a three-bladed sword that shoots blades, the kind of idea that seems like it could only have been pitched by an 8 year old boy right after the phrase “You know what would be COOL?”

Follow the adventures of our hero, Talon, a rogue/warrior/buccaneer/general/upholsterer/freelance architect/hooker with a heart of gold, as he gets vengeance and shoots his sword and swings on ropes and whatnot, y’know, hero stuff.

It’s high fantasy, just like the blacklight posters and pewter figurines at Spencer’s Gifts envisioned! Join The Mike and The Bill and The Kevin forThe Sword and the Sorcerer!

Note: contains some scary stuff and brief incidental harem nudity.

Any number of thoughts are likely to occur to you in the brief lulls between riffs while watching this. For instance:

1. This film is much better than I remember.

2. This film is worse than anything I can remember.

3. Kathleen Beller is cute. I must watch that TV movie where she plays a babysitter tormented by Dennis Quaid again sometime.

4. I cannot believe my parents let me watch this.

5. Oh, Manimal is in this.

I remember watching this when I was about nine, and enjoying it so much that I referred to all subsequent fantasy films as “Sword and Sorcerer” films. I do not recall it having so much groin-kneeing and dismemberment, so many naked breasts (about twelve, but you’d have to check with Joe Bob Briggs),  and quite as much sexual assault-based humour as it does.

Relive the shattering of your own innocent childhood today by going to Rifftrax and downloading or instantly streaming this confusing action spectacular, and then quietly wonder what else you’ve edited out of your early years while eating a cold spring roll and watching the rain gently speckle the kitchen window.

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Rifftrax: Jack the Giant Killer (1962/2014)

“The cheesy 1962 fantasy epic Jack the Giant Killer is back, in newly recorded studio form! This one’s got it all: stop motion dragons, a leprechaun who lives in a bottle, a Viking who turns into a dog… it’s like if your hyper little brother wrote and directed Game of Thrones.

Not to be confused with the recent Jack the Giant Slayer (just kidding, we know you weren’t confused and likely forgot that remake existed until this very moment) this movie keeps it old school, and answers the question “what would Ray Harryhausen style special effects look like if you didn’t hire Ray Harryhausen?” It also answers the question “would it be funny if a leprechaun in a bottle kept yelling ‘SEIZE A BONE’?” with a resounding yes, yes that would be very funny.

Originally riffed live in Nashville, now updated and recorded fresh and extra Giant-Killing-y, say “Be right there!” to Mike, Kevin, and Bill and join them in mourning Herla the Wizard (poor, sweet Herla) for the fun of Jack the Giant Killer!”

The live version is fun, but now you can enjoy Jack the Giant Killer with brand-new riffs and without the disgusting sound of innocent human laughter. Just go to Rifftrax where you can download it in a variety of digital formats, or, if you simply cannot wait to seize a bone, watch it instantly online. 

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 Rifftrax: Batman & Robin - Batman vs. Wizard (1949/2014)

From Rifftrax:

In episode 182* of the Batman serial, The World’s Greatest Detective, star of Detective Comics, is forced to do some actual Detective Work! The Wizard has been shot in the hand and in a twist that would make the writers of even the worst Scooby-Doo episodes, the ones with Scooby-Dum, shake their heads in disgust, every other suspect in Gotham has also suffered a mysterious hand wound!

Oh, they all have their excuses: “I caught it on barbed wire.” “I snagged it on one of my mantraps.” “Gabe challenged me to Mumbly Peg.” “I hit the ‘stop’ button on my remote so emphatically duringEpisode 13that it exploded, causing the injury.” So it’s up to Batman to do the trademark detective work that only he is capable of, namely, attempting to tell the difference between a barbed wire wound and a bullet hole.

Will Batman be able to make this distinction? We have our doubts. We’re frankly not sure he’s been able to see a damn thing out of that mask throughout the entire serial. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the penultimate entry in the Batman serial saga:Batman Vs. The Wizard!

*I’m sorry, we’re being told this is actually just episode 14. We apologize for the entirely reasonable mistake.

Available now from Rifftrax, as are all the previous 13 installments, for the insultingly low price of $1.99 each! 

5

Rifftrax: The Flying Saucer Mystery (1950/2014)

If you’ve ever wondered what people in the 1950s thought about flying saucers before they had the advantage of the History Channel’s valuable research into ancient Egyptian flight technology AND you enjoy fuzzy footage of dark circles in the sky AND you’ve always wondered what it would look like if a man who looks exactly like Mickey Spillane fluffed some weird line about UFOs being souls not gathered in by Adam and Eve, THEN The Flying Saucer Mystery is for you. Fans of military stock footage and Zelig-like interviews with bewildered oddballs will probably not be disappointed either, I expect.

The truth is out there, and when I say ‘out there’ I mean over at Rifftrax, where you can download this or stream it instantly for the smallest amount of money you can possibly imagine (approx).

*Callback to the historically significant but excessively whimsical A Trip to the Moon.

10

Rifftrax: Attack of the Puppet People (1958/2014)

From Rifftrax:

When a dollmaker’s wife leaves him, which of the following does he do?

A) Reflects inward on his failed marriage, seizes the opportunity for self-improvement, starts working out, embraces meditation, and emerges a better man.

B) Starts putting away a twelve pack before noon every day, eating week old Chinese takeout, and getting really into English Premier League soccer as a means of ignoring his sorrows.

C) Starts shrinking people down into a collection of miniature doll-people for no real reason.

If you guessed C, then congratulations, you’re clearly a madman bent on ill-fated schemes of varying degrees of lunacy. And no you can’t borrow our shrinking ray.

Attack of the Puppet People tells the story of such a madman, and the unfortunate woman who stumbles across his scheme while working as a secretary at his doll factory. That’s right, he makes dolls, and turns people into dolls, and dolls are probably found in a section of the toy store close to puppets, hence: Attack of the Puppet People. There is a puppet show in the movie, but it isn’t a result of the madman. It’s the result of another madman, it supposedly played on Broadway, and you will not believe your eyes when you see it.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Attack of the Puppet People, classic 60s B movie cheese that is almost as scary as that Roberto Benigni version of Pinocchio!

Attack of the Puppet People is not the best science fiction film in the world. It’s not even the best Bert I. Gordon film about people dramatically changing size in the world. But it is kind of enjoyable in itself, in a peculiar way, and perfect riff-fodder, not only because if its outlandish plot and creepy/avuncular villain, but because of the wobbly heroics of its protagonists (John Agar is in particularly charmless form here) and the weird subplot about the puppeteer from the generic European nameless Old Country who seems to have taken 42nd street by storm with his troupe of soiled, distressed and disreputable-looking marionettes. 

If your long-cherished dream has always been to watch a tiny John Agar escape from a plastic tube, go to Rifftrax, where you can watch it online immediately or download to enjoy later when you have peace and quiet and YOUR NEIGHBOURS’ CHILDREN HAVE STOPPED CALLING AT THE DOOR TO ASK IF THEY CAN PET YOUR CAT for instance.

*A callback to Rifftrax: Buying Food.

10

Rifftrax: The City of the Dead (1960/2014)

“Visit the scenic City of the Dead! Just up the road from the Village of the Damned and a hop, skip and a jump away from the Municipality of the Mildly Bloated. This is vintage horror stuff. A sleepy northeastern town, still under the shadow of the witchcraft trials it once held, a town that’s now somehow completely forgotten by the world despite existing in the middle of New England in the 1960s. Get out your vintage horror bingo card and prepare to check off things like “elderly gas station attendant who warns people not to go up that road.” Yes, all your favorite cliches are here!

Speaking of vintage horror cliches: Christopher Lee! Before he was Saruman, before he was…*sigh*…Dooku, he was a professor of the occult with a penchant for sending pretty young female students off to dangerous, devil-worshipping towns. Might he turn out to be secretly evil? For your answer, we remind you again that this is Christopher Lee.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for a road trip to the City of the Dead! Because hey, it’s still gotta be better than Fort Worth.”

Available from Rifftrax.com, where, once you’ve paid whatever footling amount they’re charging, you can stream the VOD or download it in a variety of digital formats. Also worth your attention are: 1. Every other Rifftrax commentary ever; and 2. the comments at the bottom of the City of the Dead page, where someone seems to be amusingly upset that the Rifftrax team have grown no fonder of the Star Wars prequels over the years.

10

Rifftrax: The Galaxy Invader (1985/2011)

“When a spaceship crash lands in a rural community, the locals flock to the scene. Well one local really, a kid who calls his former professor, who fields the call from his bed without a shirt on. Once he confirms that a UFO has actually been sighted on Earth, he springs into action, instructing his former student to sit by the side of the road for six hours, since it will take him a while to get there and he has some phone calls to make first. That’s when The Galaxy Invader really turns the thrills up to eleven!

The brainchild of visionary* director Don Dohler, The Galaxy Invader chronicles the struggle faced by the alien when he lands in a new world and discovers that the inhabitants are hostile and fearful of those who are different. Mainly because he kills the first two people he meets and shows no remorse as he repeatedly kills again. Fortunately he’s landed in a hideous backwoods town full of rednecks where hygiene has been outlawed and the mayor has recently been impeached and a can of Skoal elected in his stead, so the deaths are chalked up to the ill effects of that durn book learnin’.

Our hero is Joe Montague, a mean, unemployed drunk who threatens his family at gunpoint, slaps his children and enjoys compiling a list of differences between various translations of Dostoyevsky novels (one of those three things isn’t true.) Throughout the entire movie he also sports a costume sure to be the hottest Halloween costume this year: a filthy t-shirt with an enormous hole in the center of it. Our team of experts have yet to determine whether or not the actor portraying Joe even knew he was in a movie.

It’s intergalactic cheese at its very ripest and Mike, Kevin and Bill are here to ensure that no moment of the invasion goes unriffed. Join them for: The Galaxy Invader! (In about six hours, they have some phone calls to make.)

*possessing the capability to breathe”

____________________________________________

Let Don Dohler invade your galaxy by going to Rifftrax, where you can download this peculiar shambles, or if you lack the ability to restrain your enthusiasm, you can instantly stream it, instantly, right away. Don Dohler is also the director of The Alien Factor, riffed by Cinematic Titanic, which looks like it was made by the same people, in the same location, on the same long bank holiday weekend as The Galaxy Invader,but supposedly they were made several (I can’t be bothered to look it up) years apart.

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From Rifftrax:

Beast of the Yellow Night!No, it’s not a cleverly-named Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment, it’s a movie! A movie about a man named Langdon and his deal with the devil. Langdon’s deal doesn’t involve a fiddle made of gold, it’s more about turning into a monster with a face straight out of the mask section at Spencer’s Gifts. Also the devil is not so much the traditional “pitchfork and horns” type, he’s more of a fat ghost with a bad hairline who travels with his own fog machine. And the fog machine seems to break down a lot. But hey, are you a fan of “yellow nights”??? Because the movie doesn’t actually have any of those.

As far as we can tell, Langdon is some kind of undead murder spirit, sent by the fat devil ghost to do evil stuff at different points in history. Like Quantum Leap, but with slightly more cannibalism. This incarnation finds him in a beautiful home, with a beautiful wife, but rather than asking himself “how did I get here?” or just enjoying this luxurious life, he gets mad and ruins it all. If none of this is making sense, keep in mind the filmmakers didn’t even bother to specify a setting for their movie more clearly than “A Country in Southeast Asia.”

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill in going completely mad trying to figure out what exactly is supposed to be happening inBeast of the Yellow Night!

Available now from Rifftrax!

10

Rifftrax: The Wicker Man (2006/2007)

“This RiffTrax was made for the UNRATED version of the movie!  

Horror has a new name – and that name is "wicker”. Once used almost exclusively in the construction of baskets and attractive outdoor furniture, wicker will now and forever after be synonymous with a terror that will chill your blood and torment your mind!

(Though admittedly a certain small percentage of people, rather than associating it with terror, will continue to think of their grandma’s patio set. There’s nothing you can do about these intractable folks but throw your hands in the air and just give up trying to change their minds where wicker is concerned.)

Yes, “Wicker Man” dares to depict a nightmarish world in which Nicolas Cage punches a woman in the face so that he can steal her bear costume. And this after having stolen at gunpoint a bike belonging to a woman dressed as a magpie and then going on to knock out Leelee Sobieski by kicking her in the breadbasket.

If this doesn’t sound scary, may I remind you that there’s WICKER! Neil LaBute has done the impossible by making the most unintentionally funny movie since “The Lake House”. With such rich fare it would be unthinkable not to let Kevin Murphy in on the fun. And so we did! Kevin and Mike couldn’t have had a better time with “The Wicker Man” if he’d been made of rattan!“

You can get your riff for this quite silly remake of an extremely silly film from Rifftrax and then, I don’t know, rent the DVD? Can you still do that? Do they still have those? I think so. I’m sure you can stream it from somewhere. I assume so, anyhow. Whatever you do, make sure you’re watching the unrated version, which should run 1:41:51 from logo to logo. If you get the wrong version, don’t blame me. Blaming me won’t bring back your goddam bees.

10

Rifftrax: Fist of Fury (1972/2014)

“Fist of Fury! The 1972 Bruce Lee classic! Not to be confused with Fists of Fury, or Jackie Chan’s New Fists of Fury, or Fist of Fury II starring Bruce Li (who himself is not to be confused with Bruce Lee). Oh and also, Fist of Fury is known by a couple other names, The Chinese Connection and The Iron Hand, don’t let that confuse you either! Here’s a good way to keep all these movies straight: this is the one where a guy named Bruce takes on a bunch of corrupt bad guys and kicks everyone’s butt real good. There, that clears it up, right?

It’s a good old-fashioned Hong Kong revenge story. Bruce’s martial arts teacher is killed by members of a rival martial arts school (spoiler: Bruce roars “TEACHERRRR!” at the thundering heavens quite a bit when he hears about this) and, wouldn’t you know it, decides to undertake a one-man mission of vengeance, pitting his Chinese school against their Japanese enemies. It’s kinda like the “slobs vs. snobs” setup of Caddyshack, except with a lot less gopher dancing and a lot more deep ethnic animosity. Fun!

So tense your whole body, make some strange bird sounds, punch a guy to death while you’re not even looking at him, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Fist of Fury!”

Get it now from Rifftrax.com, where you can stream it instantly online or download it in a variety of handy-dandy formats. Personally I prefer to watch films the way the pioneers of cinema intended, gazing blankly at them on my mobile phone with heavy-lidded eyes while I lie on my side in bed with my free hand between my knees.

10

Rifftrax: Zindy, the Swamp Boy (1973/2014)

From Rifftrax:

Riding the tail end of the great Swamp Boy movie craze of the early 70s (see: Columbo the Swamp Boy, McCloud the Swamp Boy, Maude the Swamp Boy) Zindy the Swamp Boy effectively ended the genre. And for good reason: it violated one of the sacred tenets of the swamp boy genre: do not cast the annoying little kid who played Zindy as your swamp boy.

Unfortunately, Zindy was cast in the movie because the director is his father, Rene Cardona Jr, who also made the previously RiffTrax-’d The Bermuda Triangle and Treasure of The Amazon. Unlike those movies, Zindy does not have a killer doll or a nazi hunting Donald Pleasance. It does however have a chimp that does the dishes, gator wrestling, and the world’s most deadly two square feet of quicksand.

When Zindy’s grandfather discovers his son and daughter-in-law have been hospitalized, he does what we’d all do: flee the premises leaving them to die and guns down the man he believes is responsible. Then he gathers up their infant grandson and moves in with a chimp named Toribio. They move into the swamp, right? WRONG. Turns out Zindy the Swamp Boy is actually forbidden from entering the swamp, or more specifically the swamp zone. Yep, it’s that kind of movie. Sadly, Zindy also plays the flute, so you quickly begin to root for a quick outbreak of malaria to sweep through the swamp and all attached zones.

Fortunately, the movie has an ending so wonderful that you’ll want to start the movie over as soon as it’s done, just to relive everything you just saw with the knowledge of where it’s leading. To say any more would be a disservice to you. Please watch, and experience Zindy The Swamp Boy for the first time.

It’s true, Rene Cardona Jr. did direct the weirdly depressing Treasure of the Amazon and The Bermuda Triangle, but he also did a couple of pretty good films, like the Jaws knock-off Tintorera (1977) and the Santo films Operacion 67 (1967) and El Tesoro del Moctezuma (1968). Then again he did make Beaks: The Movie (1984) too. I don’t know what my point is. 

Jump on the Zindy bandwagon now by going to Rifftrax, where you can choose the usual variety of formats, as well as the option of getting the HD version, in which you can actually count the pores on Rene Cardona Sr.’s nose. At least I assume so, I just watched it on my phone as usual, partly because I’m extremely lazy and partly to spite David Lynch.

10

Rifftrax: The Bride and the Beast (1958/2014)

From Rifftrax:

We’ve seen so many big screen weddings that they’ve begun to feel a touch cliched. Yes yes, the handsome husband sweeps the beautiful bride off her feet. Blah blah, he carries her over the threshold. Yada yada yada, he takes her down to the basement to meet the gorilla named Spanky that he keeps in a cage down there that he had never mentioned owning until that very moment. Etc etc, the chimp escapes and attacks the bride, triggering a relapse to a previous life when she lived as a gorilla herself, interrupted only when the husband guns Spanky down in cold blood. And then they return three of the extra fondue pots they got as wedding gifts.

This is the plot of The Bride and the Beast as written by one Ed Wood. This time around, instead of balling it up in Albuquerque, our characters go on on a honeymoon in Africa. You might think that since a main character has revealed that she was a gorilla in a previous life, this might affect the plot in some way. At least they spend the majority of the movie around gorillas in some capacity. Clearly you have never seen an Ed Wood movie before. No my friend, the plot revolves around deadly tigers, which we think were the alien’s Plan 10. The tigers are played by Fake Bela Lugosi.

The Bride and the Beast is full of bad gorilla suits, absurd stock footage, and last minute realizations that “Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about gorillas, wasn’t it?” Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax of The Bride and the Beast.

This, for me, is a practically perfect Rifftrax, not least because it’s the kind of film I’d like to watch anyway, as opposed to all the films I could never have been compelled by any power earthly or celestial to watch had they not had a Rifftrax commentary (like all those bloody awful Harry Potter things). It doesn’t hurt that it’s based on a screenplay by Ed Wood, or that it has a man in a gorilla suit in it. Also, there’s something about riffing black-and-white exploitation movies that’s very MST3Kish, which is always a nice thing.

You too can enjoy the shameful love of a woman for her husband’s gorilla and revel in the abominable repudiation of God’s every law by going to Rifftrax now and either downloading a digital version that you can watch on practically any device, or if you [something to do with monkeys and Spanky - fix this later] right away, you can instantly stream it onto your computer or computer-like video streaming device.

10

Rifftrax: The Last Slumber Party (1988/2014)

“Slumber parties! What could be more terrifying?? Thrill as a rented movie is watched! Chill as a boy someone likes is called and hung up on!! Squirm as ice cream is devoured directly from the container!!!

OK, maybe slumber parties are not actually that terrifying. The one featured in The Last Slumber Party, despite the presence of a scalpel toting psychopath is no exception to this rule. This is because any hint of terror that might arise from the idea of high schoolers being murdered is completely negated by the VHS video quality, amateur sound, and baffling dialogue such as “Who’d you think it was, Shelley Hack?”

It’s the last day of school, and one thing is on everyone’s mind: whether or not they are talking to Shelley Hack. In order to solve this problem, they gather at a friend’s house, where the oblivious parents fail to notice that the boys sneaking in and out of the house are in fact d-bags. All is good and stupid until an escaped lobotomy patient shows up and instantly becomes the most intelligent, well-mannered character in the movie.

The fashion is 80s, the soundtrack is hair metal, the poster on the wall is inexplicably of Sesame Street, and the Shelley Hack references are more abundant than every other RiffTrax we’ve ever done combined. Slip into your footie pajamas and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Last Slumber Party!”

You can get it now from Rifftrax as a digital download, or if you have no impulse control you can instantly stream it online, and then you can tell me what the hell Science was doing in that room doing that thing.

10

Rifftrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964/2014)

From Rifftrax:

Many have forgotten (or choose to forget) the Santa/Martian wars of 1964: Santa Claus Conquers the Martiansbravely attempts to set the record straight. Martian parents Kimar and Momar become concerned that their children Bomar and Girmar (are you picking up the “mar” theme? BECAUSE IT’S VERY SUBTLE!) have become too attached to television programs from earth. Their solution is brilliant, if a bit of a non sequitur – they launch a plan to kidnap Santa Claus!

The nasty Martian villain Voldar (his face is coated in green oil and he has a huge mustache, therefore he’s evil) captures two earth children, Billy and Betty, who don’t hold out for even a minute but rat out our fattest, jolliest elf without a struggle. Voldar takes Santa and the children prisoner and heads off for Mars. Only the bravery of Billy and Betty and the bumbling of a stowaway and “the laziest man on Mars”, Droppo, can foil Voldar’s evil plans!

Throw into the mix an insane short featuring a pixie named Snoopy, a horrific life size Jack in the Box, and a lion who is oh so proud of his candy eating ability, and you’ve got one of our funniest live shows to date. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill forRiffTrax Live: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!

If Santa Claus Conquers the Martians seems a tad familiar, you’ve probably seen it riffed before, either on MST3K 321 (currently available as part of this box set) or Cinematic Titanic’s fifth project (available here). Now you can see it get the Rifftrax Live treatment, accompanied by a bizarre short about a German fairy snow queen and her friends, one of whom is a candy-eating lion. It’s truly odd.

You can watch it instantly or download it and hoard it away until Christmas like some kind of weirdo if you like by going to Rifftrax, where you can choose between standard definition (for losers) or splash out on the HD version like a baller, like I didn’t.

10

Rifftrax: The Crater Lake Monster (1977/2011)

“Are you a giant, cheaply-made monster looking for a nice place to terrorize? Your search is over: Crater Lake is the spot for you! Get your limp rubbery body down here, you’ll be feasting on mustachioed creeps quicker than you can say “AaaUUurgghh, I’m a monster!!” This small, sleepy community has everything you’re looking for. A sheriff who will refuse to believe in you until it’s too late. Uptight scientists that DO believe in you, for the sheriff to ignore. A pair of drunken hicks to provide aimless, misguided comic relief, and also be ignored by the sheriff. All this, and random unlikable tourists for you to snack on along the way! Just avoid choking to death on all the hideous 1970s facial hair, and you’ll have the time of your life.

Mike, Kevin, and Bill became the laughingstock of the scientific community for their fervent belief in The Crater Lake Monster. But they’ll show them, yes, soon they’ll show them all!!”

- Rifftrax