4 Ways We’re Programmed to Think Women Aren’t Funny

#4. Girls Are Nurtured to Not Tell Jokes

In a landmark study, one researcher found that women make the same number of jokes as men – when they’re children. But around age 6, something changes; the number of jokes girls make decreases, and it never evens out again. That’s because, around the time girls start school, society gives them a joking lobotomy, so to speak. Think back to elementary school. You probably had a class clown, and it was almost certainly a boy. Boys are allowed to be loud and funny and play practical jokes and be annoying little shits, and girls are encouraged to act like little ladies. … Which sucks, because it’s just about that age that kids start to practice and understand wordplay and more advanced humor. 

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I started pitching here six years ago, with zero writing credits to my name and no professional experience whatsoever. I was a college drop-out working a minimum-wage job when I made the fateful decision to join the Cracked writer’s workshop, which is just a private message board where people like you submit article ideas and the editors work with you to get them published on the site.

Today I work for Cracked full-time. Last month, I signed my first book deal, with Plume Publishing. And I’m far from the only Cracked writer who started out pitching articles and eventually used my work here as a springboard to a stack of cash and my very own ISBN number: David Wong, Kathy Benjamin, Robert Brockway, Asher Cantrell, Dan O'freaking Brien, Jacopo Della Quercia, C. Coville, Wayne Gladstone, and Winston Rowntree have all signed book deals over the last few years. Some of them multiple times.

Activate Your Brain’s Writing Lobe (for Money and Fun!)

wolverinedoctorwho  asked:

Do you know if any other Cracked columnists have Tumblr? Does Cracked have a Tumblr? I would follow the shot out of that.

Yar! The Cracked Tumblr is, oddly enough, Cracked.Tumblr.com

That includes a list of columnists, but not all of them. Other columnists include Kaffy Benhamin, May-swell Yet-fits-a-lot, Racin’ Eyes Are Lonely, and PROBABLY OTHERS THAT I AM FORGETTING SORRY EVERYONE.

anonymous asked:

do the other cracked writers have tumblrs, and if so, what are their blogs called?

Here are all the ones I know and I apologize if I miss a few. I don’t know why anyone chose the names that they chose, I just work with weird people.

Robert Brockway, “Brockback Mantown

Kristi Harrison, “Yung Money Lova

Abe Epperson, “I Don’t Care About Space

Cody Johnston, “Magic School Bus Parody Account

John Cheese, “Robert Brockway’s Science Butt

Michael Swaim, “Chocolate Skittles

Kathy Benjamin, “Fart Noise Fart Noise Actual Fart

Randall Maynard, “Ace of Bass Official Fanpage

Tom Reimann, “Flo From the Progressive Auto Insurance Commercials, Naked On Top of a Horse?*”

Cyriaque Lamar, “The Black Oprah

Adam Tod Brown, “Adam Todd Brown

Soren Bowie, “No One is Jewish

*It’s my longstanding suspicion that Tom Reimann thought he was using Google when he was creating his Tumblr title.

If you had a weapons research budget and all the latitude in the world, you’d build robot-killin’ lasers too.

5 Sci-Fi Weapons (That Already Exist)

#5. Lasers on Everything

The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) is experimenting with mounting laser cannons on planes, if for no other reason than to give those awful people who shine laser pointers at airborne planes a taste of their own medicine. But then again, when you think about it, pilots are such a thing of the past. Drones are the future. We’ve already put bombs and machine guns on them, why not lasers? Recently U.S. Air Force captain and drone pilot Michael Byrnes explained in a military magazine how unmanned laser drones could be the future of aerial dogfighting. So, soon every air battle will be like Top Gun, but if Maverick was a robot and the planes burned up mysteriously because technically you won’t even be able to see the laser.

But what if we create this technology and it falls into enemy hands? Simple: Just equip Hummers with anti-drone lasers. That way when our creation comes back to kill us like some Frankenstein monster made out of pure energy, we can take it out with EVEN MORE LASERS.

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anonymous asked:

Hi Dan, I really liked your book and the Cracked videos you've been writing/creating lately, but I miss your Friday columns. Are you ever going to go back to being a regular Cracked columnist or are you just too busy with other projects? P.S. You are awesome.

Thanks for the kind words! Unfortunately, my other responsibilities at Cracked make it impossible to keep up a weekly column-writing schedule. That column was a fun little playground for me and I loved having a regular spot, but I won’t say that it was the BEST thing for my general anxiety. I miss it, but if I still had to do a weekly column on top of all other responsibilities I’m pretty sure my brain would leak out of my butt.

The BEST thing about me not having a weekly column is that we’ve been able to bring a bunch new columnists into the fold and I’m super stoked to watch them all grow and challenge themselves. There’s an energy and hunger inherent to being a new columnist (Kathy Benjamin, Cezary Jan Struciewiscz, JF Sargent, Winston Rowntree, Pauli Poisuo, C. Coville, Luis Prada and an even larger list of roving columnists like Jason Iannone and Mark Hill) that’s really exciting to me. Keep an eye on ‘em, because they’re all doing some pretty cool stuff.

P.S. YOU are awesome.

Above: business as usual.

4 Reasons We Were Right Not to Boycott the Olympics

#3. It’s Not a Badass Statement; It’s a Boring Tradition

At the fourth official games, held in London in 1908, the Irish refused to show up. … After that, countries or individual athletes boycotted the 1936 and 1956 games, followed by every single Olympics between 1960 and 1992. Boycotts were seriously threatened in 2008 due to China’s human rights violations. India almost stayed away from London in 2012 over a chemical spill that happened in 1984. So boycotting the Sochi Games would have been less of a dramatic statement that would have changed history and more of a boring return to form.

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Watch on cracked.tumblr.com

This fantastic Kathy Benjamin article got featured on today's The View! (Context: some doucherocket went on to say women aren’t funny, and believe it or not, Whoopi Goldberg disagreed.)

“You may not realize this, but Cracked.com is all about getting you laid. Sometimes this is pretty obvious – like when we give explicit dating advice or explain the mystical forces that secretly govern our libidos – but even when we’re talking about the horrible ways sex can go wrong, we’re still hoping you can use the information we’re sharing as an icebreaker to convince an attractive colleague to come back to your humble apartment and get freaky with kitchen utensils (we’re not judging). And in this #CrackedClassic, we continue that noble tradition by reminding our male readers that some of their trusty "moves” are secretly sabotaging their bone-tential.“ 

6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off

Don’t spend your Boxing Day with her.

5 Reasons Christmas Is the Most Dangerous Time of the Year

#3. Weight Gain and High Blood Pressure

One study in Britain found that people eat their daily recommended calorie intake by 2 p.m. on Christmas Day. You might recognize 2 p.m. as before you even really start eating. By the end of the day, expect to consume 7,000 calories. … And that doesn’t even begin to include the leftovers … or the alcohol. Drinking increases over 40 percent in the U.K. and almost 30 percent in the U.S. over the holidays. All this unhealthy food and drink can increase your blood pressure, and the added stress can combine to make the perfect storm for a heart attack – the number of heart-related deaths increases by 5 percent over the holidays.

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