Jody-Foster

7 Celebrities Who Would Not Show My Grandmother Physical Intimacy One Final Time

1. Ben Stiller

Ben was the first to deny carnal affection to my amazing grandmother, and I don’t know why. I tried to explain the situation to him. I told him that my grandma was a very lovely woman and a good American who, back in her youth, had helped out with the war effort. She isn’t a pervert, just a lonely widow with one foot in the grave who would appreciate some erotic companionship. But Mr. Hollywood wouldn’t hear of it. Too good for a kindly old war hero, I suppose.

2. Cedric the Entertainer

Grandma knows about Cedric the Entertainer because he used to host Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? She thought he was handsome. But that man couldn’t be bothered to take 15 minutes out of his week to ream a feeble old fan’s bouquet. All he did was send over an autographed headshot, and he didn’t even spell her name right. There is no “i” in Evelyn, sir.

3. Robert Duvall

Mr. Duvall had no excuse for refusing to lie with my sweet granny. He’s over the hill and so is she. So why not just bed the old gal?

More

I love going to Merengue’s. it makes me feel like a 1970s pre-teen, listening to her KK Stroll record and hanging out in her retro dotted kitchen with flowers in my hair. Merengue’s mom makes us Rice Krispie treats while we argue Brady Bunch vs. Partridge Family. we stay up giggling over a copy of Tiger Beat: Merengue thinks Donny Osmond is dreamy, but I secretly think Jodie Foster is dreamier.