I’m so. What is the Passengers trailer even going to show. WHAT IS IT EVEN GOING TO SHOW.

ARE WE GOING TO SEE AURORA AND HER SLEEPING BEAUTY SELF ALL UP IN THAT HIBERNATION POD? ARE WE GOING TO SEE THE GRAVITY GIVE OUT AND AURORA GET STUCK IN THE HUGE WATER BLOB THAT USED TO BE THE POOL? ARE WE GOING TO SEE HER JUMP ACROSS THE TABLE AND SUCK FACES WITH JIM??? 

THE NEXT FEW DAYS IS GOING TO BE THE LONGEST WAIT EVER

Misogyny Guide

Hey there!  Want to hate on women, but don’t want to lose followers?  Never worry about your public perception again with the help of this handy dandy guide to acceptable misogyny!

1. Choose your target.  In order for your misogyny to be acceptable, this woman must be successful, in the public eye, and preferably a member of one or more privileged groups (straight, white, etc.)

Examples:

  • Anne Hathaway
  • Jennifer Lawrence
  • Lady Gaga
  • Taylor Swift

2. Pick your method of attack.  Remember, in order for your misogyny to be acceptable, it has to be disguised behind some sort of social justice excuse.

Examples:

  • Fake
  • White
  • Undeserving of success 
  • Promiscuous
  • Straight
  • Liar

3. If possible, use more than one method of attack.  It’s always best to have multiple excuses for why a bitch needs to get taken down a peg.

Examples:

  • Anne Hathaway: Fake, white, undeserving of success
  • Jennifer Lawrence: Fake, white, undeserving of success
  • Lady Gaga: Fake, white, undeserving of success, straight, liar*
  • Taylor Swift: Fake, white, undeserving of success, straight, promiscuous, liar

*Remember, your point of attack does not have to be true to be effective.  Lady Gaga isn’t straight, but who the hell cares?

4. Make accusations aimed at the woman’s integrity or likability.  These can be derived from your main points of attack, or unrelated.

Examples:

  • “Anne Hathaway should just shut her giant mouth instead of pretending to care about rape culture.  She’s just acting like she gives a damn so she can win the Oscar.”
  • “Jennifer Lawrence fell on purpose when she went to accept the Oscar because she thought it would make her seem ‘just like us.’  She’s so fake.”
  • “Lady Gaga’s straight and just using the LGBT community to make money!  When she asked everyone to contact their senators and urge them to repeal DADT, it was a publicity stunt.”
  • “If Taylor Swift lived in 1916 instead of 2016, she’d have Kanye West lynched.”

5. Cheerlead anything negative that happens to this woman, no matter how immoral or even illegal.  If you are called on this behavior, fall back on your previous attack points and accusations.

Examples:

  • “Anne Hathway was too stupid to wear panties and now she’s pissed that the paparazzi got a shot of her vag lol”
  • “Jennifer Lawrence nudes got leaked fucking awesome serves her right”
  • “Gaga’s pretending to have lupus when everyone knows she just got fat what a loser”
  • “Kanye and Kim are heroes for secretly recording a phone call with that snake, her career is over forever”

This has been the first edition of the Acceptable Tumblr Misogyny Guide!  Tune in next time when we discuss using Jill Stein as a shield so that you can claim you’re not sexist, it’s just that Shillary Cuntlin is the literal devil.