Jelly-Sandwich

BTS as things I have said at 4AM

Jin: …And that’s how I ended up humping a bottle of German mustard.

Yoongi: I’m asleep inside because I’m sleeping about the sleep.

Hoseok: OMG GUYYYYYYYS. THE SUN IS RISING. OMG I LOVE YOU ALL.

Namjoon: I’d prefer to sit down over there in that corner and reconsider my life choices and attempt answering the question as to what the goal of life is, okay.

Jimin: Does someone have a Peanutbutter Jelly sandwich for me? Wait, fuck, that’s too unhealthy, I mean does someone have a salad or something? You know what fuck it, doES ANYONE CASUALLY HAVE A CHEESEBURGER FOR ME? I NEED ONE.

Taehyung: I think the Illuminati exist, but they’re all aliens. I’m 100% sure of it.

Jungkook: Jesus Christ, I’m way too young to be awake right now.

AU where instead of going to Samwell, Jack starts a widely successful Publicly Broadcast show for children.

Jack learns that he is great with kids after coaching them for a little over two years. Moreover, kids are good with Jack. There is no pressure to be anything other than who he is.


It all starts with a local news program doing a fluff piece on Jack Zimmermann’s coaching ability. But then it turned into something completely different when Jack skated onto camera and started to introduce every single one of his kids and what was special about them. He was…really enchanting actually. He didn’t ever really talk down to them. Jack just treated them as a tiny friend. 

They ARE his tiny friends, but that’s not the point. 

The footage they got of “snack time” was really the best. Imagine a good 16 kids piled around this massive man teaching them the best way to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

 It should have been obvious that a local channel would contact him. It still surprises Jack. They want him to host a show? Why? Everyone always teased him about how impersonable he was during interviews. Is it because he’s Jack Zimmermann’s son? Or Alicia’s? 

Jack asks all of these questions to his mother and she just laughs. “You made a PB&J interesting to 16 kids just by being you”

Jack figures it wouldn’t hurt to give it a shot. 

Keep reading

A Scarecrow For God

by reddit user survivalprocedure

“Can I take your picture?” Larissa sat a few feet away from me on the grey velvet sofa as I aimed my iPhone towards her. I stared at the screen intently for a moment before shifting my focus, looking over the brim of the phone at her defeated, hopeless state portrayed by bloodshot eyes.

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“Before we were shooting the season, our diet was very strict during training, Dom and I went to the same restaurant every night because we knew we could get meat and vegetables, so we became regulars at this restaurant in Toronto. And thankfully, our craft team was really good this year on the set. We could ask for protein shakes whenever we wanted, and every morning when I got to my trailer, there was a coconut water, green tea with lemon and honey, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich waiting for me. It’s a very solid breakfast—although not the healthiest.”

  • me before i started watching food network: i made you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
  • me now: what i've made for you today is a rustic-style raspberry reduction, garnished with a smooth roasted peanut spread, spread across a thick slice of white bread with another slice of bread holding the flavors in place. really, what i'm doing this for is my dad...he was always a chef, he's the reason i started cooking, and i know (sniff) i know if he was alive he'd want to see me win Chopped so i could continue working for the local urban garden café for sad children
Babysitter-Ashton Irwin

Originally posted by loserxhemmo96

Warning: obviously smut and language

Rating: R


Your phone buzzed next to you on your bedside table. Groaning, you rolled over in your bed and unplugged your phone. Your phone read 8:30am which made you whimper in exhaustion. Below the time was a text from your only babysitting client at the time, Ms. Irwin. You had only acquired the job because your mom had been childhood friends with her, but she was a kind woman nonetheless.

Ms. Irwin was probably the sweetest woman to have ever walked the earth, despite the hardships she had overcame such as her husband leaving her with three kids a couple years ago. But what puzzled you to no extent was the fact that such a kind woman could have the literal spawn on satan as her eldest child.

Ashton Irwin, also known as Hades by yourself and your best friend (Y/BFF/N), was probably the rude human being you have encountered. Despite his stunning looks and musical talent, he was probably the one person you admittedly hated. Although he was a kind child when the two of you where in lower school, right when he hit his teens he pushed you away and never explained his reasons for doing so.

Now, in high school, he never even spared you a glance. It wasn’t as if you were still mad at him, he had pushed you away so long ago but he only angered you when you were babysitting his two younger siblings, Lauren and Harry. It seemed funny how Ms. Irwin always had you babysit even though Ashton was right upstairs in his room playing on his drums, but you both knew he wasn’t capable of taking care of two young children. 

From: Ms. Irwin-8:30am

Hey (Y/n), I’m so sorry to be an inconvenience to you but I was wondering if you can possibly watch the kids starting from 11am today to 7pm tomorrow? Sorry my boss just told me I have to come for a conference this weekend.

You groaned and sat up, running your hand through your hair before responding.

To: Ms. Irwin-8:34am

I’d be happy to (: I’ll see you at 11.

Since you had already woken up you knew attempting to go back to sleep was going to be useless. Hesitantly, you placed your bare feet on the cold wooden floor and quickly scampered to the bathroom to brush your teeth and you went to your kitchen to eat something for breakfast.

Time seemed to fly by and before you knew it you were approaching the front door of the Irwin household with your small overnight bag by your side.

You knocked once and the door flew open seconds later. Instead of the bright and smiling face of Ms. Irwin, you were greeted by the irritated look on Ashton’s face. “Hey Ash,” you smiled, despite the uncomfortable look on his face.

He closed the door behind you, “Don’t call me that,” he mumbled before walking past you to climb up his stairs and probably sulk in his room.

“(Y/n)!” Lauren yelled before wrapping her arms around your legs, followed by Harry.

“Hey guys! Are you excited about this weekend?” you asked, ruffling Harry’s hair.

They nodded in unison and you detached yourself from them to find Ms. Irwin who was in the kitchen making them their lunch. “Hi Ms. Irwin, how are you?” you asked, leaning against the counter.

She jumped in surprise, “Oh hi dear! I’m great, how are you?”

“I’m okay,” you responded.

“Thank you so much for coming on short notice. I really appreciate it.”

You smiled, grabbing the plates from her that held the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she had made for them. “Of course, anytime. And don’t you have a plane to catch?” I asked.

Her eyes widened, “You’re right!” she rushed to grab her bags, “Again, thank you and I hope Ashton isn’t too much of a bother. He probably won’t leave his room anyways. Text me if there’s an emergency!” she yelled before running out to her car.

You let out a long breath before turning back to the two kids standing behind me. “So, what do you two wanna do?”

—————–

“That movie was so good!” Lauren yelled from the backseat of your car. The three of you had just went to the theater to see Moana and the kids were ecstatic about it.

You nodded and smiled, “Yeah it was great! What do you guys say? Ice cream when we get home?” They all nodded in excitement at your offer and practically bounced in their chairs until you arrived home.

Once you parked your car in the driveway they ran out of the car towards the house and flung themselves on the couch, awaiting their ice cream. You smiled at their excitement and went into the kitchen and pulled out the chocolate ice cream. 

You groaned when you realized the bowls where just about five centimeters from your reach even while you were on your toes. Suddenly, a body was pressed flush against yours. “You’re too damn short,” a voice said gruffly from behind you. You turned your head slightly to see Ashton’s bare, broad chest.

Before you knew it he had pulled down three bowls and placed them in front of you. “Thank you,” you whispered for no apparent reason, just because of the close proximity. 

His body lingered behind you for only a couple of seconds before he disappeared. You felt your face heat up but you quickly dismissed any thoughts of Ashton before scooping ice cream into the bowls.

“Who wants ice cream?” you asked, walking into the living room but you stopped in your tracks when the two toddlers were passed out on the couch. A soft smile spread across your face at the two softly sleeping. You set the bowls on the coffee table and picked up Harry to bring him to his room. 

After tucking both of them in you started walking down the hall to get to the stairs but you stopped in your tracks when you heard All Time Low blasting loudly from Ashton’s room.

You approached his door and opened it slightly, “Ashton can you please turn down your music? The kids are sleep-oh my god what are you doing!” you screeched when you saw Ashton laying naked on his bed, slowing pumping his length.

His face morphed into his signature angry expression and he pulled on his boxers before slamming the door in your face. You stood in front of his door, shell shocked for minutes until you finally processed what had actually happened and you ran downstairs to grab your bag and you shut the door to the guestroom down stairs.

Trying to get what you saw out of your head, you pulled out the book you brought with you and started to read. As you flipped through the pages you couldn’t seem to focus on what the story was telling you but rather on how hot Ashton looked, panting and grabbing his thick length in his hand.

A hard knock on your door interrupted your thoughts and you stood up from your bed, expecting one of the kids to be asking for the ice cream you promised them earlier.

But instead of the faces of one of the kids, when you opened the door you were faced with Ashton, and he looked more pissed then ever.

“Hey Ashton, I’m really sorry, I should’ve knocked-” your sentence was cut short yet again when Ashton flipped the two of you around and pushed you up against the door. 

You gasped when you felt his hot lips press hard kisses down the base of your throat. “Do you know what I was thinking about when I was jerking off?” he asked as he brought his face up to yours.

“What?” you asked.

His breath fanned against your face in uneven pants. “You,” he said before pressing his lips against yours.

It took you less than a minute to respond and you started moving your lips in sync with his. “Fuck I need you so bad,” he mumbled against your lips. All you could do was whimper in desperation.

“Where did this come from?” you panted, tangling your hands in his sandy curls.

He groaned when you tugged at his hair, “Fuck, I’ve liked you since we were crib mates.” With that his pressed his lips feverishly to yours again. You moaned when he shoved his tongue in your mouth.

His fingers slowly crept from your hips to your butt. He squeezed it lightly and pulled your body closer to his hips. He ground his rock hard erection against your clothed heat. “Fuck,” he drawled out. “I want to taste you so bad princess,” he mumbled against your lips.

He didn’t give you time to respond before he swiftly picked you up and sat down on the bed. With you straddling him, you pushed his chest back so you were on top of him. You tugged at his shirt, indicating you wanted it removed and he soon lifted it over his head. As he removed his shirt, you pulled yours over your head as well and you reached to unclasp your bra.

As soon as you had no clothes remaining on your top half, Ashton flipped you over so he hovered over you. “What do you want baby girl?” he asked, latching himself to one of your breasts. His tongue flicked over the sensitive bud and he grazed his teeth over it causing you to tug at his hair. 

“Anything, Ash. Please, I’m so wet.” 

A whimper escaped his lips as he left a trail of kisses down in between the valley of your breasts and he stopped right at the band of your sweatpants. He looked up at you for approval you merely nodded in response to his silent question.

Quickly, he pulled down your pants and continued kissing up your thighs from your knees. He kept stopping right where you needed him most so eventually you sighed in frustration, “Ash, please don’t tease-oh motherfucking shit!” you yelled wen he licked a long strip up your clothed heat.

He pulled down your underwear and left a kiss on your clit. “I love it when you call me that,” he mumbled before completely diving in.

His lips wrapped around your clit, sucking harshly causing your back to arch. When he added two fingers you almost lost it, “A-Ash, I c-can’t hold on much longer,” you whimpered, pulling his head closer.

He hummed against you sending vibrations that sent you over the edge. You let out a long moan as the knot inside of you exploded and you chanted his name repeatedly.

When he finally came up for air you pulled towards you and attached your lips to his. A hint of you could be tasted on his tongue which only made you more excited.

You dropped one of your hands down and slid it beneath his boxers. Grabbing his length, you slowly pumped it and with your thumb, you spread his precum around his tip.

He shivered, “As hot as you are doing this, can you please save this for next time because I’m literally about to burst and I really want to be inside of you when I do so.”

You didn’t stop pumping him which caused him to growl and grab both of your hands in one of his and he held them above your head. “Fuck you’re such a bad girl,” he groaned, pulling down his boxers with his other hand.

Out of anticipation, you rubbed your thighs together to try and create friction but he placed a hand in between them and spread them so wide you already knew walking would be an issue in the morning.

You felt his pulsing tip at your entrance and your mouth opened wide when he pushed his length all the way in. “Oh my-holy shit Ash,” you moaned, struggling against his grip because you ached to touch him.

“You’re so tight, princess,” he let out shakily.

You begged him to move and when he finally brought his length out and snapped his hips back into yours you could’ve sworn you saw stars. “Ashton, you’re so thick-fuck!” you arched your chest into his when he hit your g-spot.

He finally released your hands from his and brought his hand down to rub your clit. Instantly you brought your nails to his back and slowly dragged them down his soft skin. “Faster,” you moaned and tugged his lips down to yours.

He obeyed your wish and started snapping his hips harder and faster against yours. When he hit you g-spot again you clenched around him and he let out a strangled moan. “Fuck princess, please do that again.”

You clenched around him and without warning, he shot his load into you, making you cum around him as well. “(Y/n)!” he chanted as his thrusts got sloppy as he milked out both of your orgasms. 

Once the two of you had come down from your highs he turned and slowly pulled out and leaned on his side to face you. “I meant what I said.”

“And what was that?” you asked with a raised eyebrow.

“That I actually have really like you since we were crib buddies,” he laughed lightly. “I just didn’t know how to talk to a girl I really like and I didn’t wanna fuck it up.”

You smiled and pressed your lips to his. “I like you too.”

A wide smile spread across his face as he pulled you closer so that your head was resting on his chest. He turned off the bedside table lamp next to him and he left a kiss on your forehead. “Goodnight princess.”

Cute Couple Asks

THE BASICS
1. When did you both get together?
2. Who made the first move?
3. How long have you been a couple?
4. How did you first meet?
5. Were you already close friends before going out as a couple?
6. Are you/Were you ever in the same class at school?
7. Are you long-distance?
8. Are you in an open, regular or committed relationship?
9. Do you live together?
10. Are you engaged? If yes, describe your proposal. If no, what ring would you like?
11. Are you married? If yes, describe your wedding. If no, would you consider marriage?
12. Which one of you is older? What is the age difference?
13. Which one of you is taller? What is the height difference?
14. Do you share any of the same hobbies/interests/passions?
15. What fictional couples would you compare yourselves to?
16. Sum up your relationship in 6 words or less.
17. Doodle a little picture of you both as a couple.
18. Describe your relationship using only emoticons.
19. Share a cute photo of you both together.
ATTRACTION
20. Top 5 fav things about your partner.
21. Your partner’s top 5 fav things about you.
22. What physical traits do you find most attractive about your partner?
23. What physical traits does your partner find most attractive about you?
24. What personality traits do you find most attractive about your partner?
25. What personality traits does your partner find most attractive about you?
26. Do you hold hands in public? Any other public displays of affection?
27. List your top 3 turn-ons about your partner.
28. List your partner’s top 3 turn-ons about you.
29. How would you seduce your partner? How would they seduce you?
30. Innocently or not, where do you like your partner to touch you?
31. Describe your partner’s eyes.
32. Describe your partner’s hair.
33. Describe your partner’s smile.
34. What is your partner’s voice like?
35. What is your partner’s scent like?
36. How does your partner impress you? How do you impress them?
37. What outfit would you like to see your partner in? What would they like to see you wear?
38. Show your fav picture of your partner that they’ve posted online.
ROMANCE
39. Do you have cute pet names for each other?
40. What’s one of your favourite memories as a couple?
41. Describe your favourite date so far?
42. What’s the sweetest thing that your partner’s ever done for you?
43. Do either of you get jealous?
44. Is one of you protective of the other?
45. How do you both like to kiss?
46. How do you both like to cuddle?
47. What’s a gift that you’ve given to your partner? And one they’ve given to you?
48. Are you an openly mushy couple or a reserved couple?
49. Does one of you like to cook for the other?
50. Do you have unique ringtones/images for each other on your phones?
51. Have you ever had your initials written on a tree or in the sand?
52. What’s “your song”?
53. Do you own any items that are a special symbol of your relationship?
54. What did you both do for Valentine’s Day?
55. Do you express your love lavishly or discreetly?
56. What’s the funniest thing you can remember your partner doing?
57. Does thinking about your partner still give you butterflies?
58. What’s the weirdest part of your relationship?
BEING TOGETHER
59. Fav things to do together on a rainy day?
60. Fav things to do together on a sunny day?
61. Got any plans together for next week?
62. What’s your favourite thing to share together?
63. What did you do for your partner’s latest birthday? What did they do for yours?
64. Where would you like to go on holiday together?
65. You have a whole weekend to yourselves and 500 in cash- what do you do?
66. How would you comfort your partner on a bad day? How would they comfort you?
67. Where would you both get takeout together?
68. What’s the longest time you’ve been apart?
69. What things remind you of your partner? What things remind them of you?
70. Has your relationship changed at all since it first started?
71. Have you ever worked on a project together?
72. Have you both influenced each other in any way?
73. Have either of you made sacrifices for this relationship?
74. Has you discovered anything surprising about your partner?
75. How have you both made a positive impact on each other’s lives?
76. What do you both mutually agree is the most important part of your relationship?
EVERYDAY LIFE
77. What are the everyday things you both do to show you care about each other?
78. Do you follow each other’s blogs/twitter/instagram?
79. Is there a favourite place that you both frequently go to together?
80. What TV shows do you like to watch together?
81. How do you relax together?
82. What sleep positions do you tend to sleep together in?
83. Do you borrow each other’s clothes or other items?
84. Do you ever share the bathroom together?
85. How do you both keep in touch when you’re away from each other?
86. Do you share secrets between each other?
87. Do you rotate house chores or do you each have assigned chore duties?
88. Do you remember how your partner takes their coffee/tea/bar drinks?
89. What does your partner think of your Tumblr?
90. What characters do you play as together when playing multiplayer games?
COMPATABILITY
91. Are you both introverted/extroverted or opposites?
92. Who is the more dominant/submissive one?
93. What are some major differences between you both?
94. When are you both “in your element” together?
95. Who would win in an arm-wrestling contest?
96. What are each of your zodiac signs and how do they compare?
97. What are each of your MBTI types and how do they compare?
98. What are each of your Hogwarts houses and how do they compare?
99. If you were both in a dating sim, what character tropes would each of you be?
100. If you were both animals what would you be? Would you be the same animal?
101. How does your partner’s wardrobe differ from yours?
102. Have you ever both said something at the exact same time?
103. Rate your relationship on a scale of basic vanilla (1) to extremely kinky (10)
104. Mix your fav colour with your partner’s fav colour- what is the result?
105. If you were both ingredients, what would each of you be and what would be the resulting recipe? (e.g. PB & jelly sandwich)
106. Which of you would win in a Pokemon battle? Assign yourself and your partner a fitting Pokemon type (e.g. water, grass, poison etc). Are either of you super effective against the other?
CONFLICT
107. What happens when you argue with each other? How do you both make up?
108. What’s something that your partner does that annoys you? How do you annoy them?
109. What are some imperfections that you love about your partner?
110. What are some imperfections that your partner loves about you?
111. Has your partner ever accidentally hurt you? Have you accidentally hurt them?
112. Is there anything about you that your partner just doesn’t understand?
113. Is there anything about your partner that you just don’t understand?
114. When was the last time you cried about your relationship and why?
115. What is something you love that your partner hates?
116. What is something you hate that your partner loves?
117. When was the last time you had to apologise to your partner and why?
118. Do either of you get too clingy?
119. Do you have any insecurities about your relationship?
120. When was a time that your relationship was put to the test?
121. What would your partner have to do to make you end the relationship?
RELATIONS
122. Does your family approve of your relationship?
123. What do your friends think of your relationship?
124. How do you both act together around others as opposed to when you’re alone together?
125. How did you first reveal to people that you were going out?
126. Do you think you and your partner look similar to each other?
127. How does your partner treat you special compared to everyone else in their life?
128. Do you both have a mutual friend group, or only separate friendship groups?
129. What’s a common misconception about your relationship?
130. Has your relationship affected any of your relations with others?
131. Has anyone tried to sabotage your relationship?
132. Quote something somebody has said about your relationship.
133. Quote something somebody has said about your partner.
FUTURE
134. What do you hope for the future of your relationship?
135. If you both got married, what would you want your wedding to be like?
136. Can you imagine what your ideal home would look like?
137. Do you have kids/want to have kids? What would they be like?
138. If you could do anything for your partner what would you do?
139. Do you think you’ll still be together when you’re old and wrinkly?
140. Got any relationship advice?

The Signs as ỵ̴̢̡̺̥͎͂̓͗̃̅͊o̝̭͉̖͓ͨ̿ͣ͑̀͒͗͂̌̓̄́̐͐̂̕͡u̧̨̡̥̫̭̗̮͖̯̼̮͎̳͂ͬͣ̉̐͑ͅ?

Aries: You are the zulu spear in a telemarketers neck. Unexpected, and mercifully quick.

Taurus: You are the fistfight in the chuck-e-cheese. Far more fun than you have any right to be, honestly.

Gemini: You are the creepy mannequin at the target. Equal parts pretty and unsettling. 

Cancer: You are the blood spattered harmonica. There is a strange story behind you.

Leo: You are peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut with a hatchet. Fashioned of the same stuff, but in a more interesting way.

Virgo: You are the substitute teachers broken collar bone. Mysterious, a source of gossip perhaps?

Libra: You are the Druid at Disneyland. Having a lot of fun under your terrifying mask.

Scorpio: You are the newest drug sweeping the nation. A source of panic for good christian mothers.

Sagittarius: You are the exposed nipple at the PTA meeting. Unintentionally the most fascinating thing in the room.

Capricorn: You are distant booming laughter. Foreboding, but quite the nice time.

Aquarius: You are a hijacked forklift. A tiny, yet gleeful, force of destruction. 

Pisces: You are the barrel of antlers at the antique shop. Full of the prettiest parts of many dead things.

anonymous asked:

What would happen if someone who was not diabetic was injected with insulin? Could a high dosage kill them and what would the consequences be if they were injected with too little to be fatal?

Hey nonny! Hoo boy howdy, yes, this could be fatal indeed!

So here’s the sitch with insulin. It’s a natural hormone, secreted by the beta cells in the pancreas. What it does is it pushes sugar from the bloodstream into the cells, where it will get burned for energy.

Diabetics use insulin because the beta cells stop making (enough/any) insulin, and without insulin, the sugar builds up in their blood, but because it can’t get into the cells, the cells start to metabolize muscle and fat for energy. This is, once things get bad, called diabetic ketoacidosis, or DKA.

That’s what happens when there’s no insulin. What happens when there’s too much insulin?

Essentially, the amount of sugar in the bloodstream drops to zero. The sugar is all pushed into the cells, but there’s none available in the bloodstream. The problem with this end of the blood sugar spectrum is that the brain runs preferentially on sugars, and it needs a steady supply. And when the blood is devoid of sugar, the brain can’t get any, and it will quickly burn through the supply it has.

This basically causes the brain to shut down / lose consciousness, though this is more a sliding-toward-unconsciousness than it is a lightswitch; characters who are hypoglycemic might develop slow, lethargic affects (the way they comport themselves), they may become very sleepy, or they may even lapse into a coma.

And this can indeed be fatal if left untreated. A significant insulin overdose could cause death, though of course it doesn’t have to!

If it doesn’t, the character could come out just fine – if it’s caught early, or medical staff arrive and quickly/correctly diagnose the problem, it’s easy to fix; any medical problem you can fix with a peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich is aces in my book. More severe cases where the person is too comatose to defend their airway (ie not to choke on water) will get an IV and a nice big blast of sugar water (D50; 50% dextrose in water; literal sugar-water), and will keep getting sugar until the sugar outweighs the effects of the insulin, and the character regains consciousness.

So your character could just get disoriented, dizzy, and very hungry, and instinctively drink a pint of juice and be fine. You could even have someone else – perhaps a diabetic character (hint hint!) who knows what hypoglycemia looks like – induces them to eat/drink/be merry.

Hope this helped and was useful/interesting!!

xoxo, Aunt Scripty

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1. Sidney Crosby

Sidney Crosby is one of the most superstitious hockey players to ever touch the ice. Unlike most players who only have one or two superstitions, Crosby has a laundry list of activities he both must do and must avoid.

Crosby will never walk past the visiting team’s locker room before games. He will take a special route around the stadium just to avoid passing their door.

He will only use the home team’s tape on his stick, and no one is allowed to touch it after he tapes it.

He makes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches each game with specific brands of peanut butter and jelly.

He will not call his mother on game days.

When his team is on the road and going over railroad tracks, he will lift his feet against the window.

He is also always second to last in line when going onto the ice (last is always Evgeni Malkin). The two also have a special handshake they do before leaving the locker room.

—  Erin Bradley, “Top 13 Most Superstitious Hockey Players”, The Pink Puck, 9/22/2014