The Top Ten Softest Net Artists in the Game

Above image via   Everybody knows and loves the fake Ghostface Killah blog where the author annually lists the “Top Ten Softest Rappers in the Game.” While the rap game is certainly tough, it pales in comparison to the dark underbelly of the internet art community. When net artists leave the safety of the web, they get drunk, take copious amounts of drugs, get into fights, and fuck each others’ girlfriends and boyfriends like it’s a Bret Easton Ellis novel. So, to pay tribute to whoever writes that brilliant Ghostface blog, and to illuminate some of the politics of the net art world to the general public (who likes paintings and/or ceramics), I present to you:    Top Ten Softest Net Artists in the Game   

  Image via    10. Jogging The Jogging’s Tumblr is like some indoor kid’s delusional projection fantasy about what sports probably feel like. Besides that, it’s filled with images of zebras wearing pizzas, Crocs, houseplants, and mirrors. Even its name is like the softest exercise that somebody can do besides a 3K Fun Run/Walk. The people who run it have names that look like the guest list for a screening of The Graduate on Tommy Fucking Hilfiger’s yacht: Artie and Brad and Haley and Jesse and Joshua and Lauren and Norm and Rachel and Spencer.  

  Image via   09. Brenna Murphy Murphy’s also in this batshit crazy noise project called MSHR with Birch Cooper, and that shit isn’t soft at all, which is why she’s only at #9. Her weird three-dimensional digital collages and shit are totally psychedelic, but they still feel like a book of my aunt’s wallpaper samples fed through a seapunk filter that I’m checking out while trying to get laid in Second Life. I do like to look at her work because it makes me feel like I’m on drugs, but it’s like I’m on drugs that make me soft (weed, psychedelics) not drugs that make me hard (coke, Beezin’).   

  Image via Andrew Birk’s Facebook account    08. Andrew Birk + Debora Delmar Corp  I don’t even think these two motherfuckers count as net artists because Birk paints and Delmar is a corporation, but it’s like I look at Facebook for about two seconds and suddenly I’m the third in their relationship. Do they live in Mexico City? Paris? Brussels? Nobody fucking knows because it’s just an unending slideshow of travel pics which are 100% the softest kind of pics that exist. The hardest pics are obviously selfies, doge, and that stoner alpaca.  

  Image via Opening Ceremony    07. Jeanette Hayes If there’s anything softer than Anime, it’s art history. In Hayes’ work, these two ostensibly disparate worlds collide and it’s even less brutal than that Powerman 5000 song (I’m saying that they’re not a very tough heavy metal band). Don’t get me wrong, I like Jeanette Hayes personally. But if I were in a burning building on the tenth floor and had to leap out of the window, I’d pray to the heavens that there was a pile of her paintings to land on in the street below (I’m saying that her paintings are soft and I’d be safer if I landed on them). 


JEANETTE HAYES Press ESC to Escape, 2013
oil on chromogenic print on canvas 

“I bet Rembrandt would’ve loved taking selfies.” - JEANETTE HAYES

Jeanette Hayes is equally influenced by pop culture, the Internet’s ephemerality, and the canon of art history, often merging these subjects in a humorous way that reflects a contemporary sensibility. Using social media as her sketchpad, Hayes communicates through animated GIFs, jpegs, videos, and text, experimenting with various media to work through ideas before bringing them back to the canvas. Her celebratory and playful tone resonates with an emerging generation of artists working online for whom digital technologies aren’t necessarily the final medium. (Text by Paddles ON! curator Lindsay Howard)

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This Is Not an Error asks seven artists and internet personas – LaTurbo Avedon, Terrell Davis, Jeanette Hayes, Adam J. Kurtz, Jon Satrom, Molly Soda and So Sad Today – to redefine the idea of the boring 404 page and reconceptualize what an error means. Can a glitch be the art itself: a portal to a new experience? Where would these artists like to spend time while they wait?

jeanette hayes stole my photo and put it on her Instagram . When I said I wanted it removed she blocked me from her account and left my photo on it . What a hack