NHL Players As John Mulaney Quotes

Tyler Seguin: Anyone who’s seen my dick and met my parents needs to die; I can’t have them roaming around!  

Johnny Gaudreau: I was hoping by now that I would look older, but that didn’t happen.

Milan Lucic: I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

Andre Burakovsky: Look at that high-waisted man! He’s got feminine hips! 

Matthew Tkachuk: I’m standing in the basement and I’m holding a red cup, you’ve seen movies. And I’m standing there holding a red cup and I’m starting to black out and I guess someone said, like, something something police

Jonathan Toews:  I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die.

Dylan Strome: Whoah, that tall child looks terrible! Get some rest, tall child!

Jack Johnson: I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand. I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, “Oh, what’s it going to be like when relatives ask to borrow money?”

John Tavares: I look like I was just sitting in a chair eating Saltines for like 28 years, and then I walked right out here. 

Tom Wilson: I’m really sorry about last night, it’s just that I’m mean and loud - it probably will happen again.

Brooks Orpik: I’m like an iPhone, there’s going to be worse versions of this every year. 

Sidney Crosby: I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

Tyson Barrie: I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.