@missweber requested NHL!Bitty dealing with Hockey RPF. This got a little longer than expected, with a side pairing of Jack/philly-cheesesteak. Takes place a few months into Bitty’s second season with the Schooners.
The most annoying thing is that for all of the ‘Jack/Parse’, ‘Jack/Tater’, ‘Jack/Sid’, ‘Jack/fucking-every-player-on-the-east-coast’ fic, there are a whopping SIX ‘Jack/Eric’ fics on Ao3. Six.
On one hand, Eric’s proud they’ve hidden their relationship so well, on the other, Eric is insulted. But really, with their disappointing portmanteau of ‘Jeric’ or ‘Zittle’, it’s not surprising they’re horribly under-appreciated.
“I just wish my fans were more creative.”
Over Skype, Eric watches Jack plow through a Philly cheesesteak with no small measure of jealousy. He’s lonely and hungry, and his asshole boyfriend is doing this on purpose.
“You know,” Jack says, talking out of the side of his half-full mouth, “if you let the Schoons call you ‘Bitty’ our name could have been ‘Zimbits’. That’s kinda on you.”
can we take a sec to think about 1) how over the top Jack Zimmermann's early 2000's bar mitzvah would have been 2) how the poor bab probably just wanted to go to gettysburg
ooooh my god you KNOW alicia and bob went all out. the whole zimmerclan(n) getting drunk and dancing very very poorly. small chubby jack in his designer suit doing his torah portion wishing desperately that he wasnt the center of attention right now, thanks. i dont even know what his parshah was but i Do know his d’var torah related that shit to hockey. someone else take over im too emotional abt this!!!
jack white was born in d-town, where he grew up being catholic, holding candles n’ shit. got in a movie once, being catholic and holding a candle. as a teen he found that he enjoyed beating things with sticks (drumming), a lot. so much so that in his 20′s he found a girl to do it for him (meg white). jack played guitar, they got married (also divorced yo), and formed a band called the white stripes in 1997.
they got big and made lots of music and videos. even a video about liking girls and legos. they traveled and wore lots of red. lots of red. seriously why did they like red so much.
in the mid 2000′s jack also formed two other bands: the racontors. the raccoon toots THE RACONTUERS, and the dead weather. the difference in those two is the racs color scheme was chili and copper colored, while the dead weather was mostly black and sweat. seriously everyone sweated so much.
in this time jack had facial hair got really muscular and married a model named karen. they made two smaller humans together. he also worked with lots of famous old country people. loretta lynn was the most most important. she and jack are level 9000 friends. she made bread for him once.
in 2009 he opened hipster disney world (aka third man records). it’s color scheme was inspired by jerry seinfeild’s 2007 hit film ‘bee movie.’
in 2011 the universe was all like, “hey, you know what would be fun? make the white stripes break up.” and then they broke up. meg disappeared, but she’s probably okay. seriously meg are you even alive…
in 2012 jack went solo and changed his color scheme to a nursery shade of blue. he released an album and named it after a gun and it was great.
then in 2014 he went to a darker blue. like ocean on a rotating globe blue. he released an album named after some shit from the black plague. it was louder and he threw shade at black licorice (kind of racist tbh) and talks about ladies. he toured a lot and drank tons of champagne. also fucked up his ankle (fukin loser).
in 2015 the dead weather came back, less sweaty this time, and released an album. it was purple and kind of ok. he also opened a second bee movie store.(seriously as i’m writing this i don’t remember much of what happened to him in 2k15 ok don’t tell me what i missed)
it’s 2016 now and he was on the muppets, he rode in a car with a depressed frog with relationship issues and sang songs.
so if overwatch takes place in 2076, and people are theorizing that soldier: 76 is called soldier: 76 bc he’s 76 years old, that means jack would be born in 1999 or 2000. jack morrison probably made shitty vines and made memes and did all the weird and stupid shit teens do now. and by extension reyes did too if we’re theorizing he’s around the same age as morrison.